My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "Almost Lover"All of my poems of release.
9 total reviews
Comment from October21
Jaq, I really loved this poem. It's written with powerful emotion that bursts through. Loved the ending- after what happened to her, she SHOULD deserve a better life, full of happiness and peace. Xx
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2013
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Jaq, I really loved this poem. It's written with powerful emotion that bursts through. Loved the ending- after what happened to her, she SHOULD deserve a better life, full of happiness and peace. Xx
Comment Written 15-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2013
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Shenel once again I thank you for your very insightful review. You always see the deeper emotions. Thanks again my wee friend, Jaq xxx
Comment from closetpoetjester
Hey there JC, this is lament at its finest over the one you put that faith and trust in and of course who threw you completely under the bus. This flowed like butter down a hot griddle but there were just two spots I think I could help you improve the scan.
Might I make just a couple of small suggestions to keep that beaut ebb and flow going, btw your punctuation helps the reader pause perfectly.
You're a lover, just like me,
(romantic, hopeless) too,
but parallel reality
has masked what's right and true.
It was not even me per se,
you (had to) clear your clouds,
some lover just to salve the pain
which loneliness enshrouds.
and here:
Today's the day I save myself
from () heartache and more sorrow, (I struck out "the")
to give myself what I deserve,
a bright and brisk tomorrow
I also found the "bright and brisk" didn't seem to fit with the emotional standpoint...How about:
"a genuine tomorrow"
or
"an honest, true tomorrow"
"an honest, new tomorrow"
Just a thought, don't want to change your ending if it IS "bright and brisk" you're getting JC...only my 32c worth, for what it's worth.
Geez I wish I had a sixer to give you but I'm out. I love the depth of honest and feeling here. Raw real and very palpable too. I think many have experienced a relationship like this.
Cheers P
xx
PS Please take any or all suggestions with a grain of salt or a stiff brandy. My take only on it and what I get from the scan.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Hey there JC, this is lament at its finest over the one you put that faith and trust in and of course who threw you completely under the bus. This flowed like butter down a hot griddle but there were just two spots I think I could help you improve the scan.
Might I make just a couple of small suggestions to keep that beaut ebb and flow going, btw your punctuation helps the reader pause perfectly.
You're a lover, just like me,
(romantic, hopeless) too,
but parallel reality
has masked what's right and true.
It was not even me per se,
you (had to) clear your clouds,
some lover just to salve the pain
which loneliness enshrouds.
and here:
Today's the day I save myself
from () heartache and more sorrow, (I struck out "the")
to give myself what I deserve,
a bright and brisk tomorrow
I also found the "bright and brisk" didn't seem to fit with the emotional standpoint...How about:
"a genuine tomorrow"
or
"an honest, true tomorrow"
"an honest, new tomorrow"
Just a thought, don't want to change your ending if it IS "bright and brisk" you're getting JC...only my 32c worth, for what it's worth.
Geez I wish I had a sixer to give you but I'm out. I love the depth of honest and feeling here. Raw real and very palpable too. I think many have experienced a relationship like this.
Cheers P
xx
PS Please take any or all suggestions with a grain of salt or a stiff brandy. My take only on it and what I get from the scan.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Pip will check this out when I get up...lol. Hungover xx
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Thanks for your help girlie, much appreciated :) Jaq xx
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LOL Cool
Comment from adewpearl
excellent use of abcb rhyming
nice alliteration in phrases like surface stuff and sown the seeds
excellent use of enjambment to enhance the poem's flow
soulful expression of honest emotion
Brooke
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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excellent use of abcb rhyming
nice alliteration in phrases like surface stuff and sown the seeds
excellent use of enjambment to enhance the poem's flow
soulful expression of honest emotion
Brooke
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Thank you as always Brooke xx
Comment from MM lives on :)
WOW, stifled again for the dreaded sixer as this was so well deserved my dearest friend..the song does reflect the relationship doubts and enshrouds us like a boa constrictor :)
BRAVO!
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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WOW, stifled again for the dreaded sixer as this was so well deserved my dearest friend..the song does reflect the relationship doubts and enshrouds us like a boa constrictor :)
BRAVO!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much my friend your words mean so very much you know xxx
Comment from lorijean
Unhappiness because of a lost love, always left feeling foolish, but that it life, it happened to us all at one time, nice little poem...
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Unhappiness because of a lost love, always left feeling foolish, but that it life, it happened to us all at one time, nice little poem...
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much lorijean as always your words are appreciated xx
Comment from Joy Graham
Hi! I enjoyed this one. I love the cartoon picture. It has that cutesy effect on me and made me want to read on. Your message reads smoothly with a bit of a lilting rhythm. I like rhythm in poetry. It's my thing, I guess. You kept it within reason. I don't like it when the jilted lover gets over the top with anger and revenge. Your jcharacter is one I can care about and hope she finds a better guy soon.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Hi! I enjoyed this one. I love the cartoon picture. It has that cutesy effect on me and made me want to read on. Your message reads smoothly with a bit of a lilting rhythm. I like rhythm in poetry. It's my thing, I guess. You kept it within reason. I don't like it when the jilted lover gets over the top with anger and revenge. Your jcharacter is one I can care about and hope she finds a better guy soon.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much Joy your review is much appreciated as alwaus. I hope you are well. Jaq xx
Comment from speakup
Great rhyming all the way through, nice art work and color design and the message was a good one also. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Great rhyming all the way through, nice art work and color design and the message was a good one also. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Thank you so very much your words mean a lot xx
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this well written my friend it is so sad when a relationship is like this this has so much feeling again well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Yes this well written my friend it is so sad when a relationship is like this this has so much feeling again well done regards Jill
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Thanks once again Jill, today I just to need to get things off of my chest. Cheers for your review again. :) Jaq xx
Comment from Rondeno
A crisp, tart condemnation of an unfit lover, this poem combines cool anger, a dash of sadness and excellent, tight rhyme and rhythm to make a first-class piece of literature.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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A crisp, tart condemnation of an unfit lover, this poem combines cool anger, a dash of sadness and excellent, tight rhyme and rhythm to make a first-class piece of literature.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Thanks for your wee help too Michael. It encompasses a lot of people who flit in and out of our lives. :) Jacqueline xxx
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answer you pm's please xx