The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Heritage Rental and Repair "A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
9 total reviews
Comment from RJFunston
Nice writing...
First the bad... A couple of longgggg sentences, maybe try for something a little shorter. Couple spelling errors, and wrong words "know--I think should be no"
The good... Your chapter was well thought out, I will have to go back and see where all this came from. Your descriptions were easy to follow and allows the reader to visualize where they are, really nicely done. I love the characters, I could see Seth, smell the gin and feel his hangover. Really great! One part that I was cracking up on was the poem, way funny and well put.
Overall I think you did a great job, I look forward to starting from the beginning.
Robert
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Nice writing...
First the bad... A couple of longgggg sentences, maybe try for something a little shorter. Couple spelling errors, and wrong words "know--I think should be no"
The good... Your chapter was well thought out, I will have to go back and see where all this came from. Your descriptions were easy to follow and allows the reader to visualize where they are, really nicely done. I love the characters, I could see Seth, smell the gin and feel his hangover. Really great! One part that I was cracking up on was the poem, way funny and well put.
Overall I think you did a great job, I look forward to starting from the beginning.
Robert
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Hi i changed a spelling error or two and the Know to No... and will look again for long sentences... and I think I may redo the poem as that is one part I wrote awhile back.... just a tweek
This is the 1st chapter where I felt like I was beginning to have a 'voice' for these characters and found the past tense present tense thing, which I've struggled with, easier to understand, picking out correction myself...
It's a hoot to write this and have been going slowly over past stuff [chapters] picking apart everything i see... i am open for suggestions of any kind... I have another 10 chapters already written which I will slowly release... If you start from the beginning please over weak spots or whatever... good luck
side-note: you know I found this great tool which I love called Ivona which read the text to you in a English accent and it is Sweet... its free for a month and even has a app for my phone....
Anyway, thanks again for reading.... Bill
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After reading your work, I'm sure you will not have a problem.. Really nice. The app for the English accent.. That is so awesome! I use Google translate a lot for stuff that I write.
Continue with the great writing.
Robert
Comment from Mastery
Well, well. Long time no hear from, my friend! Good to see you back. I have been away myself for some time from the site,but be back stronger after new year begins. I like your chapter but have a few suggestions if you don't mind:
"Seth squints as the bright" (Suggest since you just used the proper name "Seth" in the previous line...you Use the pronoun "he" here instead of "Seth"
Be careful using your "tenses" You are switching from past to present in these paragraphs for instance:
"Oh me aching arse," groaned Seth as the door inched upwards.
Seth squints as the bright morning sun fills his bloodshot eyes with light sabers dripping with gin. A tall shadowy figure strolled between the bright sun and Seth's short frame as a good morning greeting is given.
"Hi Mr Ferret."
Good job on your dialogue, Bill.
Good job overall.....Bob
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Well, well. Long time no hear from, my friend! Good to see you back. I have been away myself for some time from the site,but be back stronger after new year begins. I like your chapter but have a few suggestions if you don't mind:
"Seth squints as the bright" (Suggest since you just used the proper name "Seth" in the previous line...you Use the pronoun "he" here instead of "Seth"
Be careful using your "tenses" You are switching from past to present in these paragraphs for instance:
"Oh me aching arse," groaned Seth as the door inched upwards.
Seth squints as the bright morning sun fills his bloodshot eyes with light sabers dripping with gin. A tall shadowy figure strolled between the bright sun and Seth's short frame as a good morning greeting is given.
"Hi Mr Ferret."
Good job on your dialogue, Bill.
Good job overall.....Bob
Comment Written 31-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Bob you Handsome man you....always love your correction, I am back for awhile... hope all is good ... take care .... Bill
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:) Hi, Bill. Bob
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Hi Again
Comment from Ulysses
The thing I really liked about this was the dialog. Even without the introduction it would have been easy to guess where this takes place. the language is quite colorful and that lends a sort of realism to the situation forcing the question "Did this really happen?"
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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The thing I really liked about this was the dialog. Even without the introduction it would have been easy to guess where this takes place. the language is quite colorful and that lends a sort of realism to the situation forcing the question "Did this really happen?"
Comment Written 30-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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yes it did really happen.... i think.... or so I been lead to believe in me brain.... its been rolling around in there for years... dialog.... sometimes its a Real struggle as you well know as one tends to have conversation with, against and supporting these list of characters without going nuts... well a bit is ok i guess.... Thanks for the nice review... bill
Comment from WadUK
What can I say. Spelling errors, punctuation thrown out of the window. Grammar, what's grammar?
But I loved every single word of it. I wouldn't dream of being a nitpicker and start telling about the errors (I hate that in my work,too).
There is a style here that is unique. It should be treasured and allowed to develop (probably quietly in a darkened room) but it must develop.
Can we have more, please>
Pat (WadUK)
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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What can I say. Spelling errors, punctuation thrown out of the window. Grammar, what's grammar?
But I loved every single word of it. I wouldn't dream of being a nitpicker and start telling about the errors (I hate that in my work,too).
There is a style here that is unique. It should be treasured and allowed to develop (probably quietly in a darkened room) but it must develop.
Can we have more, please>
Pat (WadUK)
Comment Written 30-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Spelling errors, me? Noway
Punctuation,, I always double check things
Loved your review... it's created inside a shed
wrote this years ago... have not posted here as well for years...
and Yes more is coming... thank you for the nice review.... hager
Comment from WORDSOFTHEHEART
Very intriguing chapter, I will have to read more of your book. I appreciated your style choice in narrative prose.
I enjoyed the setting in London. You had good dialog as well.
Best of luck on your book.
Cheryl
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Very intriguing chapter, I will have to read more of your book. I appreciated your style choice in narrative prose.
I enjoyed the setting in London. You had good dialog as well.
Best of luck on your book.
Cheryl
Comment Written 30-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Thanks Cheryl for the nice review and kind words, its nice to hear, have not written in a long time... Happy New Year... bill
Comment from Dan Diego
This chapter is just under 2500 words. I'm afraid I have not read any of the previous chapters but still may be able to offer some feedback.
First, this is very good storytelling. It flows from scene to scene without pause and held my interest from top to bottom (I usually pass on the longer posts if I'm not smitten by the story).
Second, there are no glaring spelling errors. I did pause on a few words inside the quotes, but felt they were okay as spoken words (and probably British beyond my vocabulary).
Third, the dialogue is genuine. I easily pictured these two characters in the setting and easily followed the banter and interaction. This is how people talk.
And finally, the strength of the writing (to me) is the small humorous asides. These are character builders and speak well of the narrator/author.
Should you pursue publishing outside of FS, there were less than ten grammar and punctuation errors that I noticed but glossed over in the interest of the story telling.
Very nice.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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This chapter is just under 2500 words. I'm afraid I have not read any of the previous chapters but still may be able to offer some feedback.
First, this is very good storytelling. It flows from scene to scene without pause and held my interest from top to bottom (I usually pass on the longer posts if I'm not smitten by the story).
Second, there are no glaring spelling errors. I did pause on a few words inside the quotes, but felt they were okay as spoken words (and probably British beyond my vocabulary).
Third, the dialogue is genuine. I easily pictured these two characters in the setting and easily followed the banter and interaction. This is how people talk.
And finally, the strength of the writing (to me) is the small humorous asides. These are character builders and speak well of the narrator/author.
Should you pursue publishing outside of FS, there were less than ten grammar and punctuation errors that I noticed but glossed over in the interest of the story telling.
Very nice.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2013
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Hi... sorry for the long delay in responding to your nice review... I have read this more than a few times.... I had to look up the word aside to understand its meaning.. I'm still working on that....Thanks for taking the time to read... I have a lot of trouble with past and present tense...[worked] working on that too... for those who take the time to Help... I thank you kind sir! Thanks for the support of this silly story... if you care to read silly try my 'Pirates of the Matterhorn' it was contest involving a picture... and I went nuts.... anyway thank you one again for the nice review.... bill
Comment from JM daSilva
I like your narrative prose.
I have some editing suggestions for you.
Smack(-)dab in the middle of London
One hand on top the other, (no comma)goes
blood shot (bloodshot) eyes
"Hi (vocative comma)Mr. (and if English is UK, no period after Mr) Ferret"
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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I like your narrative prose.
I have some editing suggestions for you.
Smack(-)dab in the middle of London
One hand on top the other, (no comma)goes
blood shot (bloodshot) eyes
"Hi (vocative comma)Mr. (and if English is UK, no period after Mr) Ferret"
Comment Written 30-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Suggestions received... changed what i understood.. although I will still mess up .... thanks for the review... hager
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Glad I could help.
Comment from Norbanus
Hagar, my old friend. I have seen nothing from you for years. It's good to see you here again. Delightful chase through the heart of London. It's a shame I haven't read the rest of it. I'll try to find the time to get that done soon.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Hagar, my old friend. I have seen nothing from you for years. It's good to see you here again. Delightful chase through the heart of London. It's a shame I haven't read the rest of it. I'll try to find the time to get that done soon.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Hello Fred....Great to see your review and kind words!! yep... its been years since I've posted anything and thought i'd step in again rather slowly... Hope all is good with you and I still have implanted those talks we had, and your helpful observation of style you gave me..
Tips, properly groomed with a feather duster while waiting on a combe of a hill
you take good care Fred... Bill
Comment from H Darwin Reeves
Interesting chapter. You've developed quite a character in Mr. Jarret. Your imagery is quite imaginative and engaging. The way you describe the garage is very accurate and brings back memories of where my dad worked and the days I spent spreading sawdust to keep people from slipping in the pools of oil. Thanks for posting this.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Interesting chapter. You've developed quite a character in Mr. Jarret. Your imagery is quite imaginative and engaging. The way you describe the garage is very accurate and brings back memories of where my dad worked and the days I spent spreading sawdust to keep people from slipping in the pools of oil. Thanks for posting this.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thanks H D.... for this nice review... you know with all my spags or this or that I am glad its coming across as imaginative and engaging... i put more commas than anyone in history and usually i get hit with a ton of corrections... which i like for the most part... this time I glad people can get or see past some of my stumbling blocks.... I have not posted for years.... so thanks for the stop by and nice review..... bill