The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "I Wanna Go Home"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
21 total reviews
Comment from Tallteller
A slight change of pace and theme but ultimately needed for character introduction and development it must be admitted. The plot thickens in its temporal aspect and becomes more intriguing..
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A slight change of pace and theme but ultimately needed for character introduction and development it must be admitted. The plot thickens in its temporal aspect and becomes more intriguing..
Comment Written 10-Feb-2006
Comment from Grimoire
ok, now it sems that there are three story lines going on here......Now as the reader, I am wondering what ties all of this together. Very nice description of characters and their emotions
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ok, now it sems that there are three story lines going on here......Now as the reader, I am wondering what ties all of this together. Very nice description of characters and their emotions
Comment Written 26-Jan-2006
Comment from Ponder
HI Hager,
I've read this twice and here are my thoughts.
I liked this, I like McCail, he's a good character and you have painted him well here. I thought Ann came across as a lesser character and could have done with more description.
The story flows very well throughout and gets ten out of ten for readability. This story has intrigued me and this chapter has made me want to read on. The thing with the medallion is a great little hook and I can't wait to see what you do with it.
The descriptions are fabulous, I especially liked: Kym holds the soul and beauty of two women, with her green eyes and auburn hair.
I would have liked a graphic account of what happened behind the closed door of the customs office, but then I'm a bit nasty.
I didn't get the whole thing with Kym giving McCail the book - maybe I missed something there?
"Oh him; just as well, that man has been a pill* the whole trip (I think Pill is too weak an expletive here)
...paste this fruit loop in my scrape* book as a drunkard... *(scrap?)
Overall this is an extremely involved and excellent read.
Can't wait for the next installment,
Ponder
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HI Hager,
I've read this twice and here are my thoughts.
I liked this, I like McCail, he's a good character and you have painted him well here. I thought Ann came across as a lesser character and could have done with more description.
The story flows very well throughout and gets ten out of ten for readability. This story has intrigued me and this chapter has made me want to read on. The thing with the medallion is a great little hook and I can't wait to see what you do with it.
The descriptions are fabulous, I especially liked: Kym holds the soul and beauty of two women, with her green eyes and auburn hair.
I would have liked a graphic account of what happened behind the closed door of the customs office, but then I'm a bit nasty.
I didn't get the whole thing with Kym giving McCail the book - maybe I missed something there?
"Oh him; just as well, that man has been a pill* the whole trip (I think Pill is too weak an expletive here)
...paste this fruit loop in my scrape* book as a drunkard... *(scrap?)
Overall this is an extremely involved and excellent read.
Can't wait for the next installment,
Ponder
Comment Written 27-Nov-2005
Comment from carlylyn
Ok, you asked here goes: this whole paragraph seems out of place to me.
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Kym holds the soul and beauty of two women, with her green eyes and auburn hair, and if one were to close his eyes and dream, her figure would fill untold leaps of imagination, passing beyond the stars. She also possesses fire, able to burn down egos with a few simple words.
Maybe the book deal is not relavent :
They all laugh then tend to other passengers, knowing she not only will do it, but can do it, as she now has a bestseller that has been out for six months, and has just signed a movie deal.
In the whole it is good but needs a little tightening up here and there. I know this is your work and not mine so by all means disregard my comments if they do not work for you. I liked it on the whole and would like to see what ahppens to the couple on the trip.
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Ok, you asked here goes: this whole paragraph seems out of place to me.
.
Kym holds the soul and beauty of two women, with her green eyes and auburn hair, and if one were to close his eyes and dream, her figure would fill untold leaps of imagination, passing beyond the stars. She also possesses fire, able to burn down egos with a few simple words.
Maybe the book deal is not relavent :
They all laugh then tend to other passengers, knowing she not only will do it, but can do it, as she now has a bestseller that has been out for six months, and has just signed a movie deal.
In the whole it is good but needs a little tightening up here and there. I know this is your work and not mine so by all means disregard my comments if they do not work for you. I liked it on the whole and would like to see what ahppens to the couple on the trip.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2005
Comment from greekminorcan
Great character development Hager,
I think you've thought a lot about this plot and will be interested to see how it developes. Personally, I enjoy a discriptive story, sort of the way Stephen K writes, eh.
Very good, I wouldn't change a thing.
Greek
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Great character development Hager,
I think you've thought a lot about this plot and will be interested to see how it developes. Personally, I enjoy a discriptive story, sort of the way Stephen K writes, eh.
Very good, I wouldn't change a thing.
Greek
Comment Written 27-Nov-2005
Comment from Thalisa
Good characterization. I could feel Ann's embarassment from here. I hate when people do things like her husband does! Ugh! I would kill some of those -ly adverbs. You're giving a lot of description here, but it's watered down a bit.
Also, if Kym is not a central character, I'm not sure I'd put that much in about her. it does lead into the part about the book, but again...eh, is it vital to the story line?
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Good characterization. I could feel Ann's embarassment from here. I hate when people do things like her husband does! Ugh! I would kill some of those -ly adverbs. You're giving a lot of description here, but it's watered down a bit.
Also, if Kym is not a central character, I'm not sure I'd put that much in about her. it does lead into the part about the book, but again...eh, is it vital to the story line?
Comment Written 27-Nov-2005
Comment from Gr@sshopper
Good dialog that gives some insight into McCail's personality and suspicions about everyone and everything. Great exchange with the flight attendant, and her clever method of getting even for him being a "pill" during the flight. I like the way you developed the characters without interrupting the storyline. The dream sequence in the previous chapter (as he slept on the plane) now fits perfectly into the story. And great suspense at the end of this chapter. Obviously, his anxiety is going to either save him or sink him. Good work!
One minor item - "They plan to roam (the) English countryside for seven days ..."
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Good dialog that gives some insight into McCail's personality and suspicions about everyone and everything. Great exchange with the flight attendant, and her clever method of getting even for him being a "pill" during the flight. I like the way you developed the characters without interrupting the storyline. The dream sequence in the previous chapter (as he slept on the plane) now fits perfectly into the story. And great suspense at the end of this chapter. Obviously, his anxiety is going to either save him or sink him. Good work!
One minor item - "They plan to roam (the) English countryside for seven days ..."
Comment Written 26-Nov-2005
Comment from mswritealot
With only two chapters done I will be able to follow up on "Mac". He sure is one for the books (Anxiety rules) Your characters interact well with each other like some family members I have at home with me. Well written to attention to detail and plot
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With only two chapters done I will be able to follow up on "Mac". He sure is one for the books (Anxiety rules) Your characters interact well with each other like some family members I have at home with me. Well written to attention to detail and plot
Comment Written 26-Nov-2005
Comment from Lee Leon
A good read, with nice touches of humour. I think after introducing Kym Jade, it is not necessary to repeat her full name again, and probably just 'the stewardess' would do, especially when apologizing and then giving him the book, because that tells us who she is. Perhaps it could be a bit longer, but personally, I don't like long chapters if reading online.
LL
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A good read, with nice touches of humour. I think after introducing Kym Jade, it is not necessary to repeat her full name again, and probably just 'the stewardess' would do, especially when apologizing and then giving him the book, because that tells us who she is. Perhaps it could be a bit longer, but personally, I don't like long chapters if reading online.
LL
Comment Written 25-Nov-2005
Comment from Loverofwords
Good second chapter. I thought it was very well written and I enjoyed it. You've put a lot of detail into it and I think that makes it all the better. I have nothing to critique.
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Good second chapter. I thought it was very well written and I enjoyed it. You've put a lot of detail into it and I think that makes it all the better. I have nothing to critique.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2005