Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Gima: Mascot"fantasy adventure
16 total reviews
Comment from purrfect tale
I just love what you did with the bear cub. I worried Blathen would sense danger and try to kill it, but the apple thing was just perfect to set-up his relationship with the bear. This group is becoming quite a bunch.
getting in the way(,) it seems, every ten seconds.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2012
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I just love what you did with the bear cub. I worried Blathen would sense danger and try to kill it, but the apple thing was just perfect to set-up his relationship with the bear. This group is becoming quite a bunch.
getting in the way(,) it seems, every ten seconds.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2012
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Hi, PT. Thank you for your review. I'm glad that you like Beh and Blaython. 'Quite a bunch'is right! Now, they can follow Gima's trail. :) ellen
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Good morning! :o)
venomous fangs had accident(al)ly pierced her hand.
Good description of Asmel's crown askew. Well done.
Love the whole scene with the bear cub. Reminded me of the film The Bear, which is one of my favourite films ever.
Really enjoyed the goofing around when Trell returned. Made me smile, as the the whole scene with the cub and Trell speaking and catching fish. Really charming and well written.
Excellent descriptions of Gima by the lake. Could see it, feel it, hear those ducks!
Other footsteps rush() from behind.
Good finish - nice hook.
Another very enjoyable chapter, Ellen. So colourful and fun to read.
Look forward to the next!
Hugs,
Av
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2012
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Good morning! :o)
venomous fangs had accident(al)ly pierced her hand.
Good description of Asmel's crown askew. Well done.
Love the whole scene with the bear cub. Reminded me of the film The Bear, which is one of my favourite films ever.
Really enjoyed the goofing around when Trell returned. Made me smile, as the the whole scene with the cub and Trell speaking and catching fish. Really charming and well written.
Excellent descriptions of Gima by the lake. Could see it, feel it, hear those ducks!
Other footsteps rush() from behind.
Good finish - nice hook.
Another very enjoyable chapter, Ellen. So colourful and fun to read.
Look forward to the next!
Hugs,
Av
Comment Written 12-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2012
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Thank you , Av for reviewing. The lake scene was a great research project. Beh should be a fun addition, I'm glad you like him, so far. (Be the bear; see the bear. LOL I keep telling my self that while writing him.) A little humor with the mayhem to follow could be an interesting mix. Something new to try and balance. I feel like I'm juggling at times. I bet you do, too.
Late nite, early morning in the court. Last day tomorrow. Yippee.
Smiles,
e
Comment from strandregs
Great couldn't stop reading , good suspense and flow.
enjoyable read , no hitches, good story line, what happens next?
Z.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Great couldn't stop reading , good suspense and flow.
enjoyable read , no hitches, good story line, what happens next?
Z.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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It's nice to see that you were able to read the two halves of the full chapter together. Thank you for the lovely five stars and enjoying the suspense. :) e
Comment from adewpearl
You describe the circumstances and the nature of the bite well
What a cute description of the cub
Damn you, Hunter - add comma for direct address
Good mix of dialogue and non-verbal communication
Hunter, what are you doing - add comma
It seems to glide directly at Trell, and - add comma
Love your choice of verbs that add mood and life to a scene, like doddle/twitch/snuggle/nudge
Good cliff hanger ending
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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You describe the circumstances and the nature of the bite well
What a cute description of the cub
Damn you, Hunter - add comma for direct address
Good mix of dialogue and non-verbal communication
Hunter, what are you doing - add comma
It seems to glide directly at Trell, and - add comma
Love your choice of verbs that add mood and life to a scene, like doddle/twitch/snuggle/nudge
Good cliff hanger ending
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you for seeing the reality in the section about the snake bite. That actually does happen with the reflexive head and the don't suck out the venom any more or cut the wound unless it encapsulates the arm or leg and then they have to make a real mess of it by practically skinning the arm/leg waiting for the swelling to go down before closing it up. Video are great on UTube. LOL
Thank you for you commas. I had a spot of forgetfulness there. :) ellen
Comment from Tina55
Another smooth write, Ellen.
It was nice to spend some time with Gima again. I've been missing her!
I learned recently that sucking out the venom doesn't help, so I'm glad that you didn't have that in here. Nice setting for Gima, places me right there with her.
I like Asmel's character development. Actually, your plot curve is great for all of these characters, feeding me the changes as they happen in your great, present-tense POV. Nice job!
I can sympathize with Trell needing to get away from the crazy atmosphere. My kingdom for a forest to run into! Oh, wait! I have one...and the bears along with it. LOL
I don't know about down there, but up here, raspberry bushes grow to be about four or five feet tall, whereas blackberry bushes stay very low to the ground, like mid-shin level. Although, now that I think about it, I guess they would grow much bigger in a more tropical environment. Silly me. What can I say, it snowed yesterday morning and again this morning. Ted told me to go barefoot and paint my toenails last week because it was spring: I told him he was crazy!
Anyway, I love the description of the bear cub poking his head out of the bushes: great reveal. I have to admit, I didn't see the whole cub bonding with Trell coming. Clever! And when he catches up with Trell in their camp later on, it adds a great bit of humour! Nice way to tie together this weird band of travelers.
Great humour all around at the camp. Love the moss-headed man!
Gotta love Blathen's reaction.
Poor Gima. I mean really.
Disoriented and still unable to focus her vision, she wanders westward along miles of narrow deer trails until she comes to an expansive(,) peaceful lake surrounded by beech and maple trees with silky white water lilies flowering along its edge. (Great description! I love water lilies and how they smell like black licorice. I hate black licorice, but having a flower smell like it is just charming.)
I have to say, I love the descriptive scene down by the lake. It sounds delightful and oh so realistic!! And then, you have to go and leaving me hanging with her crawling through the mud! Good Lord!
Have a great time away, but don't take too long to post the next section for me!!
Awesome writing...
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Another smooth write, Ellen.
It was nice to spend some time with Gima again. I've been missing her!
I learned recently that sucking out the venom doesn't help, so I'm glad that you didn't have that in here. Nice setting for Gima, places me right there with her.
I like Asmel's character development. Actually, your plot curve is great for all of these characters, feeding me the changes as they happen in your great, present-tense POV. Nice job!
I can sympathize with Trell needing to get away from the crazy atmosphere. My kingdom for a forest to run into! Oh, wait! I have one...and the bears along with it. LOL
I don't know about down there, but up here, raspberry bushes grow to be about four or five feet tall, whereas blackberry bushes stay very low to the ground, like mid-shin level. Although, now that I think about it, I guess they would grow much bigger in a more tropical environment. Silly me. What can I say, it snowed yesterday morning and again this morning. Ted told me to go barefoot and paint my toenails last week because it was spring: I told him he was crazy!
Anyway, I love the description of the bear cub poking his head out of the bushes: great reveal. I have to admit, I didn't see the whole cub bonding with Trell coming. Clever! And when he catches up with Trell in their camp later on, it adds a great bit of humour! Nice way to tie together this weird band of travelers.
Great humour all around at the camp. Love the moss-headed man!
Gotta love Blathen's reaction.
Poor Gima. I mean really.
Disoriented and still unable to focus her vision, she wanders westward along miles of narrow deer trails until she comes to an expansive(,) peaceful lake surrounded by beech and maple trees with silky white water lilies flowering along its edge. (Great description! I love water lilies and how they smell like black licorice. I hate black licorice, but having a flower smell like it is just charming.)
I have to say, I love the descriptive scene down by the lake. It sounds delightful and oh so realistic!! And then, you have to go and leaving me hanging with her crawling through the mud! Good Lord!
Have a great time away, but don't take too long to post the next section for me!!
Awesome writing...
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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I'm glad you liked this one. I didn't know that water lilies smell like black licorice. I wonder if bears like to eat them? Just thinking ahead. :)
LOL you and your bears. How are you guys doing? It would be nice to have a forest to run to but not the part Gima is in right now. LOL
I had the rest the Gima in the mud scene written but it posted to 2200 words and no one will read anything that long. I'm trying to locate a scene that wrote in Under Earth about a night club. Do you ever loose pages? I hate that. It's in here somewhere.
I think Beh likes Trell-he's the disciplinarian and food provider like Mama but Blathen is his little brother's replacement. Asmel gets the cougar or should I say being a cat it chooses Asmel. Thank you again for a marvelous thorough review, Tina. :) ellen xxx
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Papa Azzy is full of questions, and Trell's obviously
had enough. Then he's a bit hard on the cub, at first.
Now Gima is in danger and makes for the water....
mimicing - is this right? mi-mic(pronounced like mice) - or should it be mimicking as in English dictionary?
It gallops sideways then pauses hearing laughter and looks in that direction. - doesn't sound quite right, Ellen ---
It gallops sideways, and then, hearing laughter, pauses and looks in that direction.
the rifle."It's - space after period
is drinking.Smells good - and here
Well penned, my friend.
Margaret
what's Johnathans - fish??
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Papa Azzy is full of questions, and Trell's obviously
had enough. Then he's a bit hard on the cub, at first.
Now Gima is in danger and makes for the water....
mimicing - is this right? mi-mic(pronounced like mice) - or should it be mimicking as in English dictionary?
It gallops sideways then pauses hearing laughter and looks in that direction. - doesn't sound quite right, Ellen ---
It gallops sideways, and then, hearing laughter, pauses and looks in that direction.
the rifle."It's - space after period
is drinking.Smells good - and here
Well penned, my friend.
Margaret
what's Johnathans - fish??
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Margaret for catching that awful sentence structure. I find that in learning new structure, I put the pieces in the wrong order. LOL But at least, I'm trying new things. LOL
Johnathan, Golden Delicious, Gala -- all apples. Wikipedia says: The Jonathan apple is a medium-sized sweet apple, with a strong touch of acid and a tough but smooth skin.
I changed mimicking, too. That was pure typo. Thank you again:)ellen xx
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Ellen. Your descriptions of the natural world are just amazing, and particularly apparent in this chapter. It could only come from a writer that takes time to observe nature. I love how the bear and Trell are bonding. But, of course, am worried about what's going to happen with Gima. This chapter has suspense, humor and some lovely descriptions - a success in my book. Kind regards, Bev
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Hi, Ellen. Your descriptions of the natural world are just amazing, and particularly apparent in this chapter. It could only come from a writer that takes time to observe nature. I love how the bear and Trell are bonding. But, of course, am worried about what's going to happen with Gima. This chapter has suspense, humor and some lovely descriptions - a success in my book. Kind regards, Bev
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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LOL, Bev. I take time to read Google and watch Utube. I'm an inside girl. I'm glad that it came off realistically. It's good that you and several others are concerned about Gima. There'd be no reason for the Four+two to join if she didn't need them. LOL Thank you for liking Beh. Now, to Google some more reality. LOL:)
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You're very welcome, Ellen. I don't have time to do much on the internet these days between writing, taking a class and reviewing all the people I've fanned. Have fun! Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
The suspense and pace in your book is unrelenting.
Including another cliff-hanger ending for us to worry about!
I must admit I had a tingle when reading about the snake venom. I was bit by a puff-adder in South Africa. You don't forget!
Ron xox
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Hi ellen
The suspense and pace in your book is unrelenting.
Including another cliff-hanger ending for us to worry about!
I must admit I had a tingle when reading about the snake venom. I was bit by a puff-adder in South Africa. You don't forget!
Ron xox
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Hi Ron. We had to get back to the bad guys now that the six are together. The cougar will tag along. Imagine the vermel when they see the BEASTS. LOL They are such wimps/bullies. It's going to be fun as they again follow where Gima's life takes them. :)
I read about snake bites and they are nothing to fool around with. Even saw the surgery, etc for the swelling. You were lucky. Dangerous one, a puff-adder. I just checked in before I leave. Waiting for some email directions to the courthouse and found this. Thank you so much for the gold bars. :) ellen xxx
Comment from cvcopac
This excerpt equals the last and is maybe more suspenseful. You're not going to send the heroine to underearth, are you? (my first concern)
Gina was smart to stay put and not rush the venom through her system. I love the bonding between the cub and Trell and the adoption by the group. I also like Trells good heartedness in feeding the baby cougar. The light hearted spirts of the camp are well written and I enjoyed this section.
You might want to check the first sentence in chapter 28--maybe 'lunge'? Also second sentence in same paragraph seems awkward.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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This excerpt equals the last and is maybe more suspenseful. You're not going to send the heroine to underearth, are you? (my first concern)
Gina was smart to stay put and not rush the venom through her system. I love the bonding between the cub and Trell and the adoption by the group. I also like Trells good heartedness in feeding the baby cougar. The light hearted spirts of the camp are well written and I enjoyed this section.
You might want to check the first sentence in chapter 28--maybe 'lunge'? Also second sentence in same paragraph seems awkward.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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The drama has to go there, Under Earth. We need the four to finish what the Vermel started. Gima is the thread that they always follow. It will be exciting, but you know me. I can't even kill the animals. LOL There won't be any Sadie's Trolious took care of that place but blamed it on Trell(which I will write, You're getting a preview) Remember we have Blathen on this team. I'm glad that there is concern. That's good. Right?
I'll check out your corrections. I've had several awkward spots. Thank you.
Have a great rest of the week.:)
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I think you do the animals justly: like down on the farm without PETA. Yes, I'm sure all will end well, but it was quite a turn.
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It's good that it was a surprise. I hoped it would be. A bit of tension toward the final climax. We are building now. It's been fun getting the 'band' together in the Valley.
I had to go on FireFox to log in tonight. Internet Explorer and AOL are not connecting at all. What server do you have?
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Microsoft and Bing browser. I'm having problems too. Couple of corrupted files in the data safe. My regrets to entering in at the end of the story.
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It's a FS problem Right? So, you're saying that they have some corrupted files in their data safe? I hope they can fix it. But FireFox works just fine. Not at all slow.
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When we get back to Under Earth a lot will be clearer even though you came in late. The chapter where Trell escapes with his friends is probably the best one to read. Those guys will be seen again. Even Petie the gambian rat will show up. Everybody liked Petie. LOL
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I've a suspicion it is with FanStory. With the scan it comes up as Dell Safe local back up. Really I don't know since I have a Dell computer, but this is not the first time, lately, that I've had a problem with this site.
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First time for me. But some have complained in England about it being slow or not functioning. Maybe the music site is taking up a lot of space or something now that it's growing. I imagine Tom added that to his already existing system.
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Ahhh, that's the problem--slow, nearly a stop. I have it working alright now.
Comment from linnietwotymez
I see you inserted a brief summary at the beginning of the chapter. This was a good ideal but I am just too lazy to do it. At first, I did not have any feelings towards Gima especially after she ate a newborn, but with mother hood I do see some human qualities in her which makes the reader care about the character. Wonderful. I think she is about to get captured.
I found no mistakes at all. Well written as usual, but something is telling me I am going to need this six when I back track this story because I did not know when Trell was captured or how.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2012
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I see you inserted a brief summary at the beginning of the chapter. This was a good ideal but I am just too lazy to do it. At first, I did not have any feelings towards Gima especially after she ate a newborn, but with mother hood I do see some human qualities in her which makes the reader care about the character. Wonderful. I think she is about to get captured.
I found no mistakes at all. Well written as usual, but something is telling me I am going to need this six when I back track this story because I did not know when Trell was captured or how.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2012
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Thank you linnietwotymez for your review. Trell was sold and excaped. Vertants are slaves and such in the Under Earth. I haven't even gone back and edited yet. You'll see how much I've changed and hopefully improved. :)