The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "The Red Dress chapter thirty eight."The story of a teenage girl
24 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
This chapterhad a lot of interesting developments. Casper found his spine and Cruella might fi ally get a clue about what a horrid drunken harpie she is. Nah, Cruella's mirror will always be rose colored!
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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This chapterhad a lot of interesting developments. Casper found his spine and Cruella might fi ally get a clue about what a horrid drunken harpie she is. Nah, Cruella's mirror will always be rose colored!
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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What's a harpie? Sounds interesting! Alexis x
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Just a shrew...shrieking drunkenly and making everyone around her - their life a misery.
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Then it's a spot on description!
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Alexis, I'm going to miss our chats over these people. Can I just drop in for a cuppa and see how the writing's going?
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You better, otherwise I'm going to keep a few of your reviews and answer one a week! Lol
Comment from joann r romei
I feel it needs some trimming of words and sentences, I am interested it the conflict of the protagonist and her lover and Mother. A scene in the bedroom where they were intimate and her emotions would have been a powerful impact on the reader insted of the 2 sentence info, How does he know what to buy her? that it would fit ect. Also a scene at the bar with the mother and father would have been interesting because there is so much tension over her being embarrased and then this man not caring. Keep up the good work!
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reply by the author on 12-Feb-2012
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I feel it needs some trimming of words and sentences, I am interested it the conflict of the protagonist and her lover and Mother. A scene in the bedroom where they were intimate and her emotions would have been a powerful impact on the reader insted of the 2 sentence info, How does he know what to buy her? that it would fit ect. Also a scene at the bar with the mother and father would have been interesting because there is so much tension over her being embarrased and then this man not caring. Keep up the good work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2012
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If you are interested in a sexual scene, you can find it in the following chapter, which is one of the reasons it is limited in this chapter. With regard to Lisa's clothes, these were all picked and tried on by her in previous chapters before they were bought. I appreciate you are new to the site, and will get the hang of it eventually, but marking chapters as a stand alone piece is generally frowned upon and causes bad feeling.
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Your bad feeling cannot get in the way if you are a true writer, because a true writer writes for the reader.
Comment from livingwords
This is good. I like the story and the characters. You have the makings of a fine novel. My only suggestion is to tighten up your writing. Overall, I estimate you could take out 20 pct. of the words without changing a single thought.
For example, I took this paragraph completely at random: 'They decided to get back to the hotel and see if her parents had surfaced, but when they got back, they couldn't find them anywhere. Eventually Lisa asked for them at reception, and she was given a hand written envelope from her father by the receptionist.'
Could be tightened: "They went back to the hotel to see if her parents had surface, but they couldn't find them. When Lisa asked for them, the receptionist gave her an envelope, hand written from her father.
I hope you find that helpful. That's what FS is all about. Dan :))
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2012
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This is good. I like the story and the characters. You have the makings of a fine novel. My only suggestion is to tighten up your writing. Overall, I estimate you could take out 20 pct. of the words without changing a single thought.
For example, I took this paragraph completely at random: 'They decided to get back to the hotel and see if her parents had surfaced, but when they got back, they couldn't find them anywhere. Eventually Lisa asked for them at reception, and she was given a hand written envelope from her father by the receptionist.'
Could be tightened: "They went back to the hotel to see if her parents had surface, but they couldn't find them. When Lisa asked for them, the receptionist gave her an envelope, hand written from her father.
I hope you find that helpful. That's what FS is all about. Dan :))
Comment Written 12-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2012
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I couldn't agree more. Since I joined Fan Story three months ago I have learnt so much, and have had so much pleasure to boot! I take on board everything you say. Thank you. Alexis x
Comment from write hand blue
This is a well written chapter, quite authentic.
Nicely balanced, interesting and an easy read.
The writer has an obvious flare for writing.
Couldn't see any technical errors.
Worth five stars...Mel.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2012
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This is a well written chapter, quite authentic.
Nicely balanced, interesting and an easy read.
The writer has an obvious flare for writing.
Couldn't see any technical errors.
Worth five stars...Mel.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much. Your review and kind comments are really appreciated. Alexis x
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi alexisleech,
Another good chapter to your story, the young lady certainly seems to be cherished, but what unpleasantness lurks in the next ...
Good dialogue and narrative, nice descriptions.
Patrick
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2012
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Hi alexisleech,
Another good chapter to your story, the young lady certainly seems to be cherished, but what unpleasantness lurks in the next ...
Good dialogue and narrative, nice descriptions.
Patrick
Comment Written 12-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much, Patrick. Sadly, cherished sometimes comes with a price. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Alexis x
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hello Alexis
You continue to write with such flair and imaginative lines that I stand all amazed. This is really wonderful. Lisa is still in for a huge surprise and I think Nick is the culprit
Bear
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2012
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Hello Alexis
You continue to write with such flair and imaginative lines that I stand all amazed. This is really wonderful. Lisa is still in for a huge surprise and I think Nick is the culprit
Bear
Comment Written 12-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2012
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Oh, Bear, I so love your reviews. It means a lot to me hearing things from a man's perspective. Thank you. Alexis x
Comment from peggles
I love reviewing stories like yours
Your writing is smooth and flows effortlessly
at a steady pace
How I wish I could do the same
I am so blooming jealous
Well done
I shall be looking for the next chapter
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2012
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I love reviewing stories like yours
Your writing is smooth and flows effortlessly
at a steady pace
How I wish I could do the same
I am so blooming jealous
Well done
I shall be looking for the next chapter
Comment Written 11-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2012
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You have nothing to be jealous of Peggles. I am so enjoying your writing at the moment because I find the same with yours. A reader can either relate to your story, or not. It's a bit like giving birth in my estimation. A lot of pain, a lot of effort, but when you eventually give birth, well worth the effort! Thank you so much for your lovely review, I really appreciate it. Alexis x
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what a lovely way to put our efforts and I thank you for the kind complement
Comment from turtledove
Hi alexisleech, I sure fell in love with this well...with Nick, what time is he picking me up? I was all for him, up until he said, ""Go and make yourself beautiful, woman!" Well, okay now...I'm looking Alan's way but then I see the character line-up and wondering who Carla is? Whew! Funny, my b-friend's name is Allen...I have a nice guy and would never change him for any Nick, for sure...Didn't see any spaggies or errors, but was wondering: "Nick was...could ask...not sure if you were wanting would here. all the best, sure found this interesting/intriguing and ready to find Lisa a new date...lol. turtledove :)
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2012
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Hi alexisleech, I sure fell in love with this well...with Nick, what time is he picking me up? I was all for him, up until he said, ""Go and make yourself beautiful, woman!" Well, okay now...I'm looking Alan's way but then I see the character line-up and wondering who Carla is? Whew! Funny, my b-friend's name is Allen...I have a nice guy and would never change him for any Nick, for sure...Didn't see any spaggies or errors, but was wondering: "Nick was...could ask...not sure if you were wanting would here. all the best, sure found this interesting/intriguing and ready to find Lisa a new date...lol. turtledove :)
Comment Written 11-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2012
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I know, all that money, and good looking as well....Sigh! I'd definitely keep the one you've got, he sounds like a keeper! Thank you so much for taking the time out to review. Alexis x
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You're Welcome! td
Comment from axelbeariter
When at last they got to his bedroom, she thought the six-foot bed almost looked small, because the room was so large. The furniture in the bedroom picked up on the tones of the cream and taupe fabric framing the windows, and what seemed like dozens of cushions sat at the top of the bed, giving the whole room an air of opulent luxury./Very well described----She would probably have got away with it, but her mother's behaviour, and what had happened earlier, made her say no./I don't know if got is the correct English for British English, but in American, in this context, it is written as gotten.----Nick introduced Lisa to his housekeeper, Mrs Farrell/Use Mrs.----"Mr Corday/Mr. here----where Nick was discussing/Use active voice--Nick discussed----You've written another gem, full of tension that keeps the reader guessing. Well done.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2012
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When at last they got to his bedroom, she thought the six-foot bed almost looked small, because the room was so large. The furniture in the bedroom picked up on the tones of the cream and taupe fabric framing the windows, and what seemed like dozens of cushions sat at the top of the bed, giving the whole room an air of opulent luxury./Very well described----She would probably have got away with it, but her mother's behaviour, and what had happened earlier, made her say no./I don't know if got is the correct English for British English, but in American, in this context, it is written as gotten.----Nick introduced Lisa to his housekeeper, Mrs Farrell/Use Mrs.----"Mr Corday/Mr. here----where Nick was discussing/Use active voice--Nick discussed----You've written another gem, full of tension that keeps the reader guessing. Well done.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Axel. Your reviews and support always inspire me to try and write as well as I can. Thank you. Alexis x
Comment from Anisa-
Well ... It's hard to give a true review because I am sort of jumping in here and there. However, from what I read, it looks really interesting. I think it is well written and descriptive. The dialogue flows well. I just don't know how it falls into the rest of the book :( Lol.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2012
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Well ... It's hard to give a true review because I am sort of jumping in here and there. However, from what I read, it looks really interesting. I think it is well written and descriptive. The dialogue flows well. I just don't know how it falls into the rest of the book :( Lol.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much for trying! Alexis x