The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "The Red Dress chapter sixteen."The story of a teenage girl
17 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
It gobbled my review....boo hiss.... I had commented that now they're acting like the young people they are....and predicted no bunny boom tonight.... my goodness, these two are Jekyl and Hyde..... sunny bunnies, stormy bunnies.... funny little honey bunnies. :-)
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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It gobbled my review....boo hiss.... I had commented that now they're acting like the young people they are....and predicted no bunny boom tonight.... my goodness, these two are Jekyl and Hyde..... sunny bunnies, stormy bunnies.... funny little honey bunnies. :-)
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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God, I hate it when that happens! Been there, got the tee shirt. The crazy thing is, you've got me reading each chapter along side you. Now at 45, this all seems so long ago, and surprise, surprise, I'm really enjoying it. (I must be so sad!)I am in awe of your determination! Alexis x
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
after dinner[,] Karen jumped up[] and asked if she and Lisa could go up to her bedroom.
Vikki's cousin, Richard[,] is coming up from London for the party and he is, let me tell you, drop dead gorgeous!"
Lisa was beginning to feel nervous[;] Karen was obviously planning something.
It fitted perfectly, and when Lisa looked at her reflection in the mirror[,] she was delighted. It really
It was not good. In fact, he looked downright furious[.]
and Lisa was convinced Alan hadn't told his family that he loved her[] because he didn't.
"Well thanks a bunch, Lisa! I hope you have a great time on Saturday[] because I certainly won't be going."
Alan was gripping the wheel so tightly[ that] his knuckles were turning white.
How can anyone you're with[] ever feel safe? You probably have half a dozen guys waiting in the wings just in case
What is it[,] Alan - we'll just screw the stranded virgin for a couple of weeks[] while we're waiting for our real girlfriend to come
The rain mixed with her tears[] as if trying to wash them away.
Roberta
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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after dinner[,] Karen jumped up[] and asked if she and Lisa could go up to her bedroom.
Vikki's cousin, Richard[,] is coming up from London for the party and he is, let me tell you, drop dead gorgeous!"
Lisa was beginning to feel nervous[;] Karen was obviously planning something.
It fitted perfectly, and when Lisa looked at her reflection in the mirror[,] she was delighted. It really
It was not good. In fact, he looked downright furious[.]
and Lisa was convinced Alan hadn't told his family that he loved her[] because he didn't.
"Well thanks a bunch, Lisa! I hope you have a great time on Saturday[] because I certainly won't be going."
Alan was gripping the wheel so tightly[ that] his knuckles were turning white.
How can anyone you're with[] ever feel safe? You probably have half a dozen guys waiting in the wings just in case
What is it[,] Alan - we'll just screw the stranded virgin for a couple of weeks[] while we're waiting for our real girlfriend to come
The rain mixed with her tears[] as if trying to wash them away.
Roberta
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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My thanks yet again Roberta. All corrected. I really do appreciate the time you've taken to give this such a thorough and helpful review. Alexis x
Comment from Gooloom
The story is shaping very well and the plot is getting to be more interesting. Your sentences are crisp and the plot is getting to be more intense. But the question is--why did Lisa sleep with him when Carla is on the horizon? Lust I suppose. And Allan has no guts to tell his parents thetruth. Naturally he has sexed her well and good and so wants to take his own sweet time to tell them-- that is if at all he does. will now read the next chapter.Gooloom
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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The story is shaping very well and the plot is getting to be more interesting. Your sentences are crisp and the plot is getting to be more intense. But the question is--why did Lisa sleep with him when Carla is on the horizon? Lust I suppose. And Allan has no guts to tell his parents thetruth. Naturally he has sexed her well and good and so wants to take his own sweet time to tell them-- that is if at all he does. will now read the next chapter.Gooloom
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Carla is coming back soon, but Alan's holiday with her two weeks before had been a disaster, and they didn't get on too well any more. Not helped by the fact he had met and fallen in love with the luscious Lisa! Thank you so much for your review. I really hope you enjoy reading the book. Alexis x
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hey Alexis
This is quite the true to life example of romance between a man and a woman. Fighting is stupid, and just like Alan, hurtful words can be devastating. Nicely written; however don't let he kill herself over a jerk like him
Bear
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Hey Alexis
This is quite the true to life example of romance between a man and a woman. Fighting is stupid, and just like Alan, hurtful words can be devastating. Nicely written; however don't let he kill herself over a jerk like him
Bear
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Don't worry, I'll look after her, sort of! Well I don't know what my muse might get up to behind my back. Thank you so much for your review, Bear. I really appreciate it. Alexis x
Comment from adewpearl
His Dad made them laugh
Alan gave his Mum a hug - drop the capitals - you're not using mum and dad as their names
Good natural-sounding dialogue
You convey the emotions of the characters well
Look, it's okay - add the comma and the apostrophe
That's just it, Lisa - add comma for direct address
Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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His Dad made them laugh
Alan gave his Mum a hug - drop the capitals - you're not using mum and dad as their names
Good natural-sounding dialogue
You convey the emotions of the characters well
Look, it's okay - add the comma and the apostrophe
That's just it, Lisa - add comma for direct address
Brooke
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for catching those, Brooke. It doesn't seen to matter how often I edit, there always seems to be something I miss! Alexis x
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing this chapter where karen goes about matchmaking and lisa and alan explode on each other because of jealousy
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing this chapter where karen goes about matchmaking and lisa and alan explode on each other because of jealousy
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Yes, it was good fun to write. I love getting inside my character's heads! Alexis x
Comment from LisaSilva
I see Lisa's point. It isn't her fault if someone has the hots for her. Jealousy is so ugly. He had no reason to be mad at her just because he wasn't able to support her either. "Pathetic is a spoilt little rich bitch who thinks the world owes her a living. What do you think we're going to live off---fresh fucking air?"
And that was uncalled for beyond words. Now I'm mad at Alan too!
Made her walk! Richard's looking better...better watch out, Alan!
Very intriguing from beginning to end!
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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I see Lisa's point. It isn't her fault if someone has the hots for her. Jealousy is so ugly. He had no reason to be mad at her just because he wasn't able to support her either. "Pathetic is a spoilt little rich bitch who thinks the world owes her a living. What do you think we're going to live off---fresh fucking air?"
And that was uncalled for beyond words. Now I'm mad at Alan too!
Made her walk! Richard's looking better...better watch out, Alan!
Very intriguing from beginning to end!
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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As a character, I love Richard, so he comes into play soon and then later on. I actually modelled him on a young Pierce Brosnan, sad woman that I am! Thank you so much for your lovely review. Alexis x
Comment from Malerie
Wow, what a turn of events. Communicaiton, the key to all relationships. Perhaps Lisa and Alan rushed into their relationship since they are not free to share their feeling for each other with family. In the line below, I think the word should be "that's" not "hat's."
"I'm sure he's not coming to the party just to meet me Karen - hat's ridiculous!"
Another enjoyable chapter; keep writing, I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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Wow, what a turn of events. Communicaiton, the key to all relationships. Perhaps Lisa and Alan rushed into their relationship since they are not free to share their feeling for each other with family. In the line below, I think the word should be "that's" not "hat's."
"I'm sure he's not coming to the party just to meet me Karen - hat's ridiculous!"
Another enjoyable chapter; keep writing, I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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Thank you for spotting that, and your continued support. Yes it all probably happened a bit fast....Young love, what can I say? Alexis x
Comment from axelbeariter
Several writers in our weekly group session finally convinced me that most readers are smarter than I believed they were. I'm talking mainly about my habit of being surreptitiously redundant, so I'm going to pass onto you and other FS toilers what I finally realized. For instance: Lisa nodded, confirming that she was./Lisa nodded is enough for the reader to realize she's affirming that she is a 10. Therefore, by confirming that she was is underhandedly redundant. Watch out; I'll be dangerous from now on. Keep your prose lean, because I'm going to cut the fat off of it every chance I get.----Go easy on the exclamation points; I've counted plenty again. You've got to break that habit. You're too good a writer to be judged as an amateur, because of little stuff like this that gives submission editors excuses to brand you that way and deep six your manuscript.----EXCLAMATION POINT
The sign used in writing after an exclamation or interjections, expressing strong emotion or astonishment, or to indicate a command.
AVOID OVERUSE!
An exclamation point is used to express strong emotion.
"No!" he yelled. "Do it now!"
An exclamation point may be used to close questions that are meant to convey extreme emotion.
What on earth are you doing! Stop!
An exclamation point can be inserted within parentheses to emphasize a word within a sentence.
We have some really(!) cool tattoos on sale this week.
Note that there is no space between the last letter of the word so emphasized and the parentheses. This device should be used rarely, if ever, in formal text.
An exclamation point will often accompany mimetically produced sounds.
"All night long, the dogs woof! in my neighbor's yard."
"The bear went Grr!, and I went left."
If an exclamation point is part of an italicized or underlined title, make sure that the exclamation point is also italicized or underlined:
My favorite book is, Oh the Places You'll Go!
(Do not add a period after such a sentence that ends with the title's exclamation mark. The exclamation point will also suffice to end the sentence.) If the exclamation point is not part of a sentence-ending title, don't italicize the exclamation point.
I've asked you not to sing la Marseillaise!
-- Capital Community College Foundation
Guide to Grammar and Writing --
It fitted perfectly/On this side of the pond we would write that as: It fit perfectly----so propelled her out of the room and onto the landing./Put she before propelled----nobody was expecting anything other than the two normally dressed teenagers who had gone up them half an hour before./Fix that part of the sentence----hat's ridiculous!"/Two things here. hat's should read that's and you don't need the !----Well written as usual, and I did notice that you eliminated all the unnecessary ellipsis in the dialogue.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Several writers in our weekly group session finally convinced me that most readers are smarter than I believed they were. I'm talking mainly about my habit of being surreptitiously redundant, so I'm going to pass onto you and other FS toilers what I finally realized. For instance: Lisa nodded, confirming that she was./Lisa nodded is enough for the reader to realize she's affirming that she is a 10. Therefore, by confirming that she was is underhandedly redundant. Watch out; I'll be dangerous from now on. Keep your prose lean, because I'm going to cut the fat off of it every chance I get.----Go easy on the exclamation points; I've counted plenty again. You've got to break that habit. You're too good a writer to be judged as an amateur, because of little stuff like this that gives submission editors excuses to brand you that way and deep six your manuscript.----EXCLAMATION POINT
The sign used in writing after an exclamation or interjections, expressing strong emotion or astonishment, or to indicate a command.
AVOID OVERUSE!
An exclamation point is used to express strong emotion.
"No!" he yelled. "Do it now!"
An exclamation point may be used to close questions that are meant to convey extreme emotion.
What on earth are you doing! Stop!
An exclamation point can be inserted within parentheses to emphasize a word within a sentence.
We have some really(!) cool tattoos on sale this week.
Note that there is no space between the last letter of the word so emphasized and the parentheses. This device should be used rarely, if ever, in formal text.
An exclamation point will often accompany mimetically produced sounds.
"All night long, the dogs woof! in my neighbor's yard."
"The bear went Grr!, and I went left."
If an exclamation point is part of an italicized or underlined title, make sure that the exclamation point is also italicized or underlined:
My favorite book is, Oh the Places You'll Go!
(Do not add a period after such a sentence that ends with the title's exclamation mark. The exclamation point will also suffice to end the sentence.) If the exclamation point is not part of a sentence-ending title, don't italicize the exclamation point.
I've asked you not to sing la Marseillaise!
-- Capital Community College Foundation
Guide to Grammar and Writing --
It fitted perfectly/On this side of the pond we would write that as: It fit perfectly----so propelled her out of the room and onto the landing./Put she before propelled----nobody was expecting anything other than the two normally dressed teenagers who had gone up them half an hour before./Fix that part of the sentence----hat's ridiculous!"/Two things here. hat's should read that's and you don't need the !----Well written as usual, and I did notice that you eliminated all the unnecessary ellipsis in the dialogue.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I'm so sorry for not answering this earlier, Axil but I have been reading this and one other of your reviews over and over again to try and get it ingrained in my grey matter. I have now saved it to desktop, in case I need a quick injection. Alexis x
Comment from James McCorkle
Temper. Temper. Oh how they lose it here. I just hope that this spat blows over, and common sense steps in again. How many lovers have split up over a refusal to admit they were wrong ? Keep the home fires burning Alexis. James.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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Temper. Temper. Oh how they lose it here. I just hope that this spat blows over, and common sense steps in again. How many lovers have split up over a refusal to admit they were wrong ? Keep the home fires burning Alexis. James.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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No problem! Thank you so much for your review James. It is, as always, greatly appreciated. Alexis x
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PLease tell me how to find you chapters the quickest way. I am still floundering a bit here. James.
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Hi James. There are lots of different ways but if you check your messages advising you that I have posted any of the chapters, you just click on the chapter title and what ever chapter it takes you to, up at the top you will see all the other chapters listed. You just click on the one you want, and if that's not it, just click on another. Any probs, just let me know. Alexis x
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Ta Muchly, as they sometimes say in Glasgow, James.
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I enjoy reading your story. James