The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "A virgin no more..."The story of a teenage girl
36 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
You're no bunny till some bunny loves yoouuuu! :-)
Fantastic, romantic, young love enjoying life chapter.
Wonderful book.
Two bunny tails up! :-)
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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You're no bunny till some bunny loves yoouuuu! :-)
Fantastic, romantic, young love enjoying life chapter.
Wonderful book.
Two bunny tails up! :-)
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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Lol, I know I have about a dozen of your fabulous reviews to thank you for, but this has so made my day! I think I could write another version of this book based on your reviews. THANK YOU! Alexis x
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
The soft light of dawn filtered through the open blinds as Lisa opened her eyes. --- don't do this as a flashback. Do it when it happened. Looking back on it the next morning was a technique they used in the old, old ramance novels before explicit descriptions of sex.
Lisa lay studying his face in the dim light[] as she remembered the night before when he had woken her. He had first kissed her gently on the mouth[] while
his free hand released the damp towel from around her, and for a moment he just stared at her, as though he was in awe of her body. She reached for him
[again], and as his lips met hers, all the passion they had felt in the car earlier in the day was released [again - lose one of them]. His fingers teased her right nipple until
it stood erect and proud, and as his mouth left hers to engulf it, his fingers slid down to the place no man had touched before.
She [had - Otherwise, it sounds like it's occurring now]literally ached for him to explore the soft damp flesh inside her, writhing
in delicious rapture, her back arched in ecstasy. As Lisa let out small moans, the perspiration giving her skin the sheen of a goddess, she begged Alan
to stop the exquisite torture. Only then[] did he reach into his bedside cabinet.
Surely everything he had said and done[] had proved how much he loved her.
We were hardly ever alone together[] because she shares a flat with three other girls - and Carla seemed to want to spend more time with them[] than
she did with me."
You seem to have the comma usage reversed. There are clauses that begin with words like because, before, when, while and as.
Wen those clauses are used at the beginning of a sentence (like here), use a comma at their end. Do not use a comma before them when they finish a sentence (like here). You are doing it just the reverse.
Roberta
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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The soft light of dawn filtered through the open blinds as Lisa opened her eyes. --- don't do this as a flashback. Do it when it happened. Looking back on it the next morning was a technique they used in the old, old ramance novels before explicit descriptions of sex.
Lisa lay studying his face in the dim light[] as she remembered the night before when he had woken her. He had first kissed her gently on the mouth[] while
his free hand released the damp towel from around her, and for a moment he just stared at her, as though he was in awe of her body. She reached for him
[again], and as his lips met hers, all the passion they had felt in the car earlier in the day was released [again - lose one of them]. His fingers teased her right nipple until
it stood erect and proud, and as his mouth left hers to engulf it, his fingers slid down to the place no man had touched before.
She [had - Otherwise, it sounds like it's occurring now]literally ached for him to explore the soft damp flesh inside her, writhing
in delicious rapture, her back arched in ecstasy. As Lisa let out small moans, the perspiration giving her skin the sheen of a goddess, she begged Alan
to stop the exquisite torture. Only then[] did he reach into his bedside cabinet.
Surely everything he had said and done[] had proved how much he loved her.
We were hardly ever alone together[] because she shares a flat with three other girls - and Carla seemed to want to spend more time with them[] than
she did with me."
You seem to have the comma usage reversed. There are clauses that begin with words like because, before, when, while and as.
Wen those clauses are used at the beginning of a sentence (like here), use a comma at their end. Do not use a comma before them when they finish a sentence (like here). You are doing it just the reverse.
Roberta
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for reviewing this, Roberta. It all makes perfect sense when you point it out. Alexis x
Comment from irishauthorme
You did a great job of writing the love scene, it was sensuous with just the right amount of graphics, never crude or tacky. You took Lisa from a bashful virgin to a fully aroused woman who retained the afterglow of her first encounter.
Good realistic dialogue and counter-play with Nick and Carla entering the scene. Glad you decided to post your work!
irish
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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You did a great job of writing the love scene, it was sensuous with just the right amount of graphics, never crude or tacky. You took Lisa from a bashful virgin to a fully aroused woman who retained the afterglow of her first encounter.
Good realistic dialogue and counter-play with Nick and Carla entering the scene. Glad you decided to post your work!
irish
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Thank you for your interpretation of this. That is exactly what I wanted to portray. Alexis x
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hey Alexis
This is such an erotic and sexual story; however it is not slutty. I liked the intenseness of it and feel it is well crafted and thought out
Bear
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Hey Alexis
This is such an erotic and sexual story; however it is not slutty. I liked the intenseness of it and feel it is well crafted and thought out
Bear
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much, Bear. I'm really pleased you enjoyed it. Alexis x
Comment from Gungalo
It seems they both love each other and have bad relationships in the past. If they are truly in love, all will right itself and be okay.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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It seems they both love each other and have bad relationships in the past. If they are truly in love, all will right itself and be okay.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for your kind review. Who knows? I don't think this book is going to go the way readers expect though! Alexis x
Comment from Tonulak
Aclassic romance; plyful sexuality, several potentially complicating issues for the new relationship and an intimate portrait of how erotic that first intense night of lovemaking can be. Very nice job!
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Aclassic romance; plyful sexuality, several potentially complicating issues for the new relationship and an intimate portrait of how erotic that first intense night of lovemaking can be. Very nice job!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for your review, I really appreciate it. Alexis x
Comment from HPicasso
The lovemaking scene you have described is very vivid and good. Great chapter! This story is really taking off. The conversation was very believable especially the playfull parts. I am glad that Lisa has settled for somebody that loves her. Congratulation!
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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The lovemaking scene you have described is very vivid and good. Great chapter! This story is really taking off. The conversation was very believable especially the playfull parts. I am glad that Lisa has settled for somebody that loves her. Congratulation!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much. I'm delighted that you have enjoyed it so far. Alexis x
Comment from OldPoet555
I really liked this story. you really manage to capture both the sexuality of the male and female. the electricity of lust that runs through women and men, how it differs and how its the same. the repeated mentions of a woman loving her body is a beautiful touch. the actual descriptions of the very first sex scene where Lisa lost her virginity is very skillfully described. you manage to capture sensuality but you keep its integrity and you dont make it smutty. which is a real pleasure to read. it takes you to a beautiful fairy tale land...for adults. if that ever existed. i love the phrase, "exquisite torture," its actually a surprisingly accurate but poetic way of describing what you use it to describe. overall, i thought this was a wonderful chapter. i haven't read the previous ones, but i commend you on where you are right now. keep at it!
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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I really liked this story. you really manage to capture both the sexuality of the male and female. the electricity of lust that runs through women and men, how it differs and how its the same. the repeated mentions of a woman loving her body is a beautiful touch. the actual descriptions of the very first sex scene where Lisa lost her virginity is very skillfully described. you manage to capture sensuality but you keep its integrity and you dont make it smutty. which is a real pleasure to read. it takes you to a beautiful fairy tale land...for adults. if that ever existed. i love the phrase, "exquisite torture," its actually a surprisingly accurate but poetic way of describing what you use it to describe. overall, i thought this was a wonderful chapter. i haven't read the previous ones, but i commend you on where you are right now. keep at it!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much. I'm blown away by your wonderful, understanding review, and regard it as a huge compliment. Alexis x
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sure. thank you for sharing.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
A very well-written piece, with an honest account about what sex with love can be about... It never can be a forbidden topic, but a beautiful first time experience like this one for Lisa.
GREAT JOB Alexis!!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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A very well-written piece, with an honest account about what sex with love can be about... It never can be a forbidden topic, but a beautiful first time experience like this one for Lisa.
GREAT JOB Alexis!!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much! Everyone has been so supportive about this chapter, yourself included. As a novice writer, it's sometimes hard to know where love stops, and sleaze starts! Thank you for understanding. Alexis x
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job
writing this chapter of your book, i went back and read the other chapters. lisa's mother is a piece of work. i like the tender scene you scripted about their lovemaking.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job
writing this chapter of your book, i went back and read the other chapters. lisa's mother is a piece of work. i like the tender scene you scripted about their lovemaking.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much! I really am glad you have enjoyed the book so far. This chapter was hard to write and get the balance right, but everyone has been so great about it, yourself included. Alexis x