The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Red Dress chapter thirteen"The story of a teenage girl
14 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Wow, what a great chapter! Cruella getting the snot straightened out of her! TOO good!
But I'm not even allowed to enjoy it a bit before that dire warning at the end.
Boo hiss!!
One small correction: Cruella called her husband David at the police station when she decided it was time to leave.
Brilliant chaper!
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
  |
Wow, what a great chapter! Cruella getting the snot straightened out of her! TOO good!
But I'm not even allowed to enjoy it a bit before that dire warning at the end.
Boo hiss!!
One small correction: Cruella called her husband David at the police station when she decided it was time to leave.
Brilliant chaper!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
-
That poor man has had so many names, even I'm confused. Well spotted! Thank you for making my day. Alexis x
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
being anywhere near[] would turn what should have been a wonderful experience[] into a total disaster. He had to take her to the station[no comma because complete sentence does not follow] and get the meeting with
He reached over and kissed her[Use a comma at the end of a "before" clause when it begins a sentence, but do not use one in front of it when the "before" clause ends the sentence.] before she got out of the car.
When Lisa walked into the station[, A "when" clause beginning a sentence uses a comma at its end.] she looked around the reception area nervously. She expected to see her parents waiting for her[] but was relieved
to find out they were nowhere in sight. As soon as Eve found out Lisa was there, she came straight out to get her.
Eve couldn't have picked better words to greet Lisa[] because she was confirming she was on Lisa's side,[here is a sample of a correct comma because what follows "and" is a complete sentence.] and Lisa mentally needed all the allies she
You're just going to have to stand up to her[not a complete sentence] and
get this out of the way," she coaxed.
"You're coming in with me[,] aren't you, Eve?"
There were still four chairs in the interview room left from the day before. Fortunately Lisa's parents were unaware they could be viewed from a room
next door through the one way mirror positioned in the centre of the far wall. If they had been, perhaps Fiona Collins would have behaved a little better.
She was rattling on about how disgracefully they had been treated since they'd arrived, and Lisa's father sat dejectedly looking down at his hands until
he couldn't take listening to his wife any more. He jumped to his feet with such force - he nearly knocked over his chair.
"For God's sake, shut up, woman!" Jack shouted at her.
Suggestion: Since Lisa's father always leaves the home when her mother starts going off, maybe he should be pacing like a caged tiger here because he cannot get out.
Did you mean for both Lisa andalan's father to be named Jack?
"It is also my understanding from our enquiries that you haven't been to your bank since you returned from holiday a month ago[] when you deposited your
He had always thought Eve had the makings of an excellent officer, and she had just proved it,
yet again. --- "just" and "yet again" are contradictory. "just proved it" means for the first time; "yet again" means it's happened before. Drop one or the other.
"I'm not staying here to be insulted! Come on, David, let's get out of here. They're all mad!" --- Now Lisa's father's name is David, and Wilson's name is also David.
After they'd gone[,] Eve signalled a victory sign to the mirror behind Lisa, who seemed to be dazed by everything that had just gone on. She couldn't believe
that it was over. Without opening her mouth[,] she had just watched her mother shot down in flames.
Lisa looked up at him[] and smiled the smile of someone who had just been set free.
Roberta
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
|
being anywhere near[] would turn what should have been a wonderful experience[] into a total disaster. He had to take her to the station[no comma because complete sentence does not follow] and get the meeting with
He reached over and kissed her[Use a comma at the end of a "before" clause when it begins a sentence, but do not use one in front of it when the "before" clause ends the sentence.] before she got out of the car.
When Lisa walked into the station[, A "when" clause beginning a sentence uses a comma at its end.] she looked around the reception area nervously. She expected to see her parents waiting for her[] but was relieved
to find out they were nowhere in sight. As soon as Eve found out Lisa was there, she came straight out to get her.
Eve couldn't have picked better words to greet Lisa[] because she was confirming she was on Lisa's side,[here is a sample of a correct comma because what follows "and" is a complete sentence.] and Lisa mentally needed all the allies she
You're just going to have to stand up to her[not a complete sentence] and
get this out of the way," she coaxed.
"You're coming in with me[,] aren't you, Eve?"
There were still four chairs in the interview room left from the day before. Fortunately Lisa's parents were unaware they could be viewed from a room
next door through the one way mirror positioned in the centre of the far wall. If they had been, perhaps Fiona Collins would have behaved a little better.
She was rattling on about how disgracefully they had been treated since they'd arrived, and Lisa's father sat dejectedly looking down at his hands until
he couldn't take listening to his wife any more. He jumped to his feet with such force - he nearly knocked over his chair.
"For God's sake, shut up, woman!" Jack shouted at her.
Suggestion: Since Lisa's father always leaves the home when her mother starts going off, maybe he should be pacing like a caged tiger here because he cannot get out.
Did you mean for both Lisa andalan's father to be named Jack?
"It is also my understanding from our enquiries that you haven't been to your bank since you returned from holiday a month ago[] when you deposited your
He had always thought Eve had the makings of an excellent officer, and she had just proved it,
yet again. --- "just" and "yet again" are contradictory. "just proved it" means for the first time; "yet again" means it's happened before. Drop one or the other.
"I'm not staying here to be insulted! Come on, David, let's get out of here. They're all mad!" --- Now Lisa's father's name is David, and Wilson's name is also David.
After they'd gone[,] Eve signalled a victory sign to the mirror behind Lisa, who seemed to be dazed by everything that had just gone on. She couldn't believe
that it was over. Without opening her mouth[,] she had just watched her mother shot down in flames.
Lisa looked up at him[] and smiled the smile of someone who had just been set free.
Roberta
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
-
I am going to save this review to my desktop and study it tomorrow, Roberta because it has taught me so much. I just have to inwardly digest now and put into practice. Well done for spotting the 'Jack' mix up. He was David but someone pointed out that the policeman was called 'Dave,' so I did a quick change. Obviously too quick a change! Thank you again. Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
"Just in case what?"--personal thought but does writing it this way give it more impact? Just in case(,) what? Just wondering.
Whoa, cliff hanger ending. Bravo! Off to read more! Great job!!
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2012
|
"Just in case what?"--personal thought but does writing it this way give it more impact? Just in case(,) what? Just wondering.
Whoa, cliff hanger ending. Bravo! Off to read more! Great job!!
Comment Written 26-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much. I so look forward to your take on the chapters. Only a couple of dozen to go! Take care, Alexis x
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hello once again Alexis
I have to tell you that this is a book that once you begin to read, your are caught up in it. Nicely done and your characters are so true to life
Bear
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
|
Hello once again Alexis
I have to tell you that this is a book that once you begin to read, your are caught up in it. Nicely done and your characters are so true to life
Bear
Comment Written 24-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much for your lovely review. I think you've started reviewing at one of the most 'interesting' parts of the book. I hope I don't disappoint! Alexis x
Comment from LisaSilva
"That, Mrs Collins, is your prerogative, but I must warn you, 'my superior' is already considering pressing charges for the unnecessary waste of police time you've caused by giving false information to both ourselves and the Argyll & Bute police force." I love it! She's not under your creepy spell, Fiona!
"Fiona was already gone, her husband silently following behind her. Before he left the room he put his hand on Lisa's shoulder."
Maybe this poor guy can find someone to run away with as well.
"My pleasure. I have to admit I rather enjoyed it!" she added smugly.
This part made me laugh.
Hope her return is short lived.
Thanks for another great read!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
|
"That, Mrs Collins, is your prerogative, but I must warn you, 'my superior' is already considering pressing charges for the unnecessary waste of police time you've caused by giving false information to both ourselves and the Argyll & Bute police force." I love it! She's not under your creepy spell, Fiona!
"Fiona was already gone, her husband silently following behind her. Before he left the room he put his hand on Lisa's shoulder."
Maybe this poor guy can find someone to run away with as well.
"My pleasure. I have to admit I rather enjoyed it!" she added smugly.
This part made me laugh.
Hope her return is short lived.
Thanks for another great read!
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Lol! You do make me laugh! It's so weird thinking back to that scene now and realising what a turning point it was to see 'Fiona' put down by someone she couldn't control. Anyway, off to edit another couple of chapters (groan!) My thanks again for your great review. Alexis x
Comment from Malerie
Okay, no fair! You left me hanging with the last line. What is Lisa's mother up to now? Can this couple not enjoy any happiness. Yet another great chapter; thank you so much for sharing this. I love every chapter so far. Lisa's father is a bit of a bore; he clearing has been "hen pecked." I guess Lisa's mother holds the key to their wealth. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
|
Okay, no fair! You left me hanging with the last line. What is Lisa's mother up to now? Can this couple not enjoy any happiness. Yet another great chapter; thank you so much for sharing this. I love every chapter so far. Lisa's father is a bit of a bore; he clearing has been "hen pecked." I guess Lisa's mother holds the key to their wealth. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Sorry...no I'm not! It's obviously a little bit of the control freak in me coming out! (can't imagine where I got that from...)
Thank you so much for your review, I really look forward to receiving them. Alexis x
Comment from writerwish
Great story, need to back a bit now to catch up again. Excellent with characterization. Only one suggestion..
When Fiona states that it is not going so well as she planned, it is not clear as to what she herself is thinking about Lisa making her out to be a demon. You could change this to dialogue which you do so well with, talking to husband. Or write her thinking in italics...
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
 |
Great story, need to back a bit now to catch up again. Excellent with characterization. Only one suggestion..
When Fiona states that it is not going so well as she planned, it is not clear as to what she herself is thinking about Lisa making her out to be a demon. You could change this to dialogue which you do so well with, talking to husband. Or write her thinking in italics...
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much for not only your wonderful review and sizzling six, but for the great advice. I think the italics is a great idea! I would be delighted if you read more. Take care, Alexis x
Comment from axelbeariter
The father seemed to be okay, but he didn't say much, not that he had much chance./Instead of much chance, write; much of a chance.----"I'm just kidding!!"/A double exclamation mark is a sure sign of an amateur to any submissions editor. I'ts even worse than having too many. I know, because a short story I submitted to a magazine was cast onto their slush pile for that reason. Don't take that chance.----Dave Wilson, who was observing them from the room next door, couldn't decide who looked more surprised, the father for his sudden brave outburst, or the mother for receiving it./Since her father's name is David, change Dave Wilson name to something else Wilson. Don't confuse slow readers----she asked sarcastically/You don't need sarcastically, because a non-brain dead reader will recognize the sarcasm.----Lisa's mother's/Try to limit names where identification is easily recognized. Use; coming from the mother's mouth.----It would be a day neither of them would ever forget.../Wonderful hook.----Once more, I really caution you about using so many !s. If you want to get published in the mainstream, please, please go easy; one per chapter, if you have to.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
|
The father seemed to be okay, but he didn't say much, not that he had much chance./Instead of much chance, write; much of a chance.----"I'm just kidding!!"/A double exclamation mark is a sure sign of an amateur to any submissions editor. I'ts even worse than having too many. I know, because a short story I submitted to a magazine was cast onto their slush pile for that reason. Don't take that chance.----Dave Wilson, who was observing them from the room next door, couldn't decide who looked more surprised, the father for his sudden brave outburst, or the mother for receiving it./Since her father's name is David, change Dave Wilson name to something else Wilson. Don't confuse slow readers----she asked sarcastically/You don't need sarcastically, because a non-brain dead reader will recognize the sarcasm.----Lisa's mother's/Try to limit names where identification is easily recognized. Use; coming from the mother's mouth.----It would be a day neither of them would ever forget.../Wonderful hook.----Once more, I really caution you about using so many !s. If you want to get published in the mainstream, please, please go easy; one per chapter, if you have to.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much for yet another informative, constructive review. I think I've managed to catch everything now. The funny thing is, Lisa's father is called Jack! I even had that in the authors notes, but I must have been having one of my funny moments when I edited this chapter. (maybe I just like the name David$%^&* I think you're not going to talk to me after the next chapter. I've honestly tried to cut back on my !s but there is so much aggression going on, it feels like I'm taking the bullets out of my gun before firing!$%^& Promise I'll try... Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Oh the witch has flown the coupe. whoo hoo!!
Great work here, loved everything about it.
It was penned to perfection...but always has me glued to my screen.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
|
Oh the witch has flown the coupe. whoo hoo!!
Great work here, loved everything about it.
It was penned to perfection...but always has me glued to my screen.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Tee hee, that's what you thought! The next ones a long one, but I hope you enjoy. It's taken me five hours to edit today! I really must get a life......Alexis x
-
Writers don't have a life, they only have words on a page....:)
Hugs
Maureen
x
Comment from debskatz
Hi alexis,
Ah, damn! You couldn't have got rid of that old bitch completely? Well, I can hope for that down the road. lol
A little bit more spag:
believed her. All had stamped (believed her, all had etc.
knocked over hi8s(his) chair.
Mrs. Collins, and(,) regrettably(,) ours as well.
"She really has gone!!(")she kept saying,
Again, I know you'll fix them, so I gave you a 5.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
|
Hi alexis,
Ah, damn! You couldn't have got rid of that old bitch completely? Well, I can hope for that down the road. lol
A little bit more spag:
believed her. All had stamped (believed her, all had etc.
knocked over hi8s(his) chair.
Mrs. Collins, and(,) regrettably(,) ours as well.
"She really has gone!!(")she kept saying,
Again, I know you'll fix them, so I gave you a 5.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much. All corrected! I'm afraid the old witch is about for a bit yet, especially in Chapter fourteen! Alexis x