Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 " Gima: Trell and Trolious"fantasy adventure
13 total reviews
Comment from strandregs
THis is just as good as the next chapter, gripping live description and tale. amazing imagination , you think you'll make another version for children? :).Z.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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THis is just as good as the next chapter, gripping live description and tale. amazing imagination , you think you'll make another version for children? :).Z.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2012
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Another verstion for children? Sure why not? Just no sex and they can explode into lollipops when they die. Seriously though, it does seem like a kids story at times, doesn't it? I'm getting tired and loosing momentum. Want to write something else but am over half way through it.How do novelists do it? It's draining! :) barking dog
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They take a break or
explode into lollipops .Z.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Another great chapter-so imaginative. Terrible how creatures can think about and treat one another. My only suggestion would be the number of characters is getting to be hard to remember. You might want to limit how many more you add. For these in this chapter, is it necessary for us to know their names, or could you just say, one vertant, another vermel etc if they won't appear in later chapters. Like we say one boy, another boy etc. Great work though!!! Luv, Debbie
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Another great chapter-so imaginative. Terrible how creatures can think about and treat one another. My only suggestion would be the number of characters is getting to be hard to remember. You might want to limit how many more you add. For these in this chapter, is it necessary for us to know their names, or could you just say, one vertant, another vermel etc if they won't appear in later chapters. Like we say one boy, another boy etc. Great work though!!! Luv, Debbie
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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In the next chapter you'll see why I have the names. Up to this point All I have had is Sadie, Trell and Trolious. Picar and Jami were introduced several chapters earlier. Brackus and Larue are important and came in two chapters ago. I have been trying to add characters as we go along in order to come to the escape scene when many relationships will combine. Even Mr. Arnst plays a key roll. I feel your point and now that most everyone is introduced, the rest can be written. Those that are now key to something do not have names and are like you said, 'another one' or the Vermel female with red-curls' of the 'burly one.' I should probably go back to the notes and eliminate what is not pertinent to the chapter. I'll keep your critique in my mind as I continue. It is a worry that I've had but if a character is important you're supposed to name them. DUH! I'm such a beginner.
I was totally confused with Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings until I got used to the many characters. Sometimes it just takes repetition and them being entered again and again. Like Arnst, he keeps popping back in. And now, Picar and Jami are back. Picar needs to revenge himself(on Sadie), as does little Lem(on the guard). It's hard posting in sections. Maybe the next one which is up now as well will help a bit.
Please let me know if you are getting more or less confused. This was a really difficult section. I wrote over six thousand words in one go and am posting it in sections. In a book one might have the chance to read through it all and not feel character over-load. Just hoping ... don't really know.
Comment from Lylise
Again, girl, you blow my mind. ..one of several coy, affected females circling this wannabe lady's man. Very visual! ..to stay erect or die. (is this customediscussed in previoius chapters?) Instint alerts particulates to weaponize. excellent thought and writing of the same. Amazing Work! I can't believe I know a real live author.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Again, girl, you blow my mind. ..one of several coy, affected females circling this wannabe lady's man. Very visual! ..to stay erect or die. (is this customediscussed in previoius chapters?) Instint alerts particulates to weaponize. excellent thought and writing of the same. Amazing Work! I can't believe I know a real live author.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Thank you, lynda. Maybe, someday I'll be an author but right now I'm still learning so much. LOL I love your cheering me on. I'll answer your quesion in PM.:) Thank you again for the lovely six. :) ellen
Comment from adewpearl
Excellent dialogue that reveals the attitudes of the speakers well
you describe the setting well
and convey the sleazy nature of this place most effectively
The dancer's with their perfect bodies - drop the apostrophe in dancers
Excellent detail in the section where the customers/audience describe what is "wrong" with him - like having five fingers and toes
This is an excellent commentary on the nature of prejudice
They ridicule the youths' movements - youth's - singular possessive
the many Verdant's unenhanced erections - Verdants' - plural possessive
theirs' fade without elixirs - drop the apostrophe after theirs
The revolving light's change - drop the apostrophe
What strong emotion in your closing scene
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Excellent dialogue that reveals the attitudes of the speakers well
you describe the setting well
and convey the sleazy nature of this place most effectively
The dancer's with their perfect bodies - drop the apostrophe in dancers
Excellent detail in the section where the customers/audience describe what is "wrong" with him - like having five fingers and toes
This is an excellent commentary on the nature of prejudice
They ridicule the youths' movements - youth's - singular possessive
the many Verdant's unenhanced erections - Verdants' - plural possessive
theirs' fade without elixirs - drop the apostrophe after theirs
The revolving light's change - drop the apostrophe
What strong emotion in your closing scene
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for catching the possessive errors. On initial draft they were correct. Then on re-write I changed the sentence structure and over-looked the possessives. (theirs' was definitely an error. I seem to go blind in editing. Yuck!) Maybe, someday ... Thank you for seeing the commentary on prejudice. I wonder how many do. :) ellen
Comment from Janie King
It's bedtime but I really haven't spent more than 20 minutes at the computer, thought I'd take a peak at who's pieces I need to read...This I can do because I'm passing on content..and the need to sleep. God bless.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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It's bedtime but I really haven't spent more than 20 minutes at the computer, thought I'd take a peak at who's pieces I need to read...This I can do because I'm passing on content..and the need to sleep. God bless.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Janie. I hope things are better with you this week. Good night and sleep well.:)ellen
Comment from Tina55
You've transported me, once again, into a world beyond worlds with creatures beyond creatures! And, the things they do! Do their going-ons keep you up at night? :-)
I have found a few things that might, or might not, be SPAG:
We shall this Vertant wonder," (Am I missing a verb here? We shall --- this Vertant wonder)
Feast ... but only your eyes ... for now."
(Are they allowed to eat only eyes, or do you mean to say Feast...but only with your eyes...for now)
:-)
"And ugly with two, small eyes and only two patches of hair." (I'm not 100% certain, but I think this should be: And ugly, with two small eyes and only two patches of hair.")
Her mate presses his risings to her cushy backside.
(It's descriptions and language like this that sets this story apart. :-))
Another harasses Jami in Booth Ten, mimicking every dance move and gesture as much as a small hippopotamus could imitate a gazelle. (Excellent!)
...unenhanced erections which are hard and ready while theirs' fade without elixirs or medicinal potions. (I'd add a comma after ready,)
This post is packed with the hungry, gritty sensuality that I've come to expect in Bellow Town. The physical geopgraphy of this culture seems directly related to the strength of their moral fibre. But then, who is to say they should be measured against our set of standards...which is why we have been introduced to them, is it not?
:-)
She pokes her twin sister, Tileen, whose face crawls with red and black inked entrails, entwined with wire. (It doesn't get much more vivid than that! :-))
Trolious looks at Trell, then at Sadie. His face swells, turning magenta as blood rushes upward. His drool turns from its normal grayish-brown to crystal clear. His particulates extend from his single naris, stiffen and turn a dark, blackish brown.
(Trolious' reaction to Trell is severe and very creative!)
Trolious takes off his cloak and tosses it with his hat on a nearby armchair. (Trolious takes off his cloak and tosses it, with his hat, on a nearby armchair.)
He takes a stride forward and eye to eye with Trell, hisses close to the glass, (I believe there should be a comma after and,)
Wow! There's a twist for ya! So, I can't wait to see how Trell gets out of this one.
Tina :-)
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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You've transported me, once again, into a world beyond worlds with creatures beyond creatures! And, the things they do! Do their going-ons keep you up at night? :-)
I have found a few things that might, or might not, be SPAG:
We shall this Vertant wonder," (Am I missing a verb here? We shall --- this Vertant wonder)
Feast ... but only your eyes ... for now."
(Are they allowed to eat only eyes, or do you mean to say Feast...but only with your eyes...for now)
:-)
"And ugly with two, small eyes and only two patches of hair." (I'm not 100% certain, but I think this should be: And ugly, with two small eyes and only two patches of hair.")
Her mate presses his risings to her cushy backside.
(It's descriptions and language like this that sets this story apart. :-))
Another harasses Jami in Booth Ten, mimicking every dance move and gesture as much as a small hippopotamus could imitate a gazelle. (Excellent!)
...unenhanced erections which are hard and ready while theirs' fade without elixirs or medicinal potions. (I'd add a comma after ready,)
This post is packed with the hungry, gritty sensuality that I've come to expect in Bellow Town. The physical geopgraphy of this culture seems directly related to the strength of their moral fibre. But then, who is to say they should be measured against our set of standards...which is why we have been introduced to them, is it not?
:-)
She pokes her twin sister, Tileen, whose face crawls with red and black inked entrails, entwined with wire. (It doesn't get much more vivid than that! :-))
Trolious looks at Trell, then at Sadie. His face swells, turning magenta as blood rushes upward. His drool turns from its normal grayish-brown to crystal clear. His particulates extend from his single naris, stiffen and turn a dark, blackish brown.
(Trolious' reaction to Trell is severe and very creative!)
Trolious takes off his cloak and tosses it with his hat on a nearby armchair. (Trolious takes off his cloak and tosses it, with his hat, on a nearby armchair.)
He takes a stride forward and eye to eye with Trell, hisses close to the glass, (I believe there should be a comma after and,)
Wow! There's a twist for ya! So, I can't wait to see how Trell gets out of this one.
Tina :-)
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Wow, Tina. Thank you. I guess the reveal that Trolious is Trell's father came off alright. Trolious is a real egomaniacle sweetheart.
I used most of your corrections. Can't believe that I still write leaving out words and never see them missing when I edit. You were right in both cases. Oh, I found this site on commas and it said that while didn't need one in front of it.
I'm pasting a summary for you below and the site a the end of this reply.
No Comma
Time: when, whenever, while, before, after, since, until, as soon as, as long as
s
Place: where, wherever
Condition: if, unless, provided
Intention: so that, in order that
Reason: because, since
http://hkrauthamer.tripod.com/Comma_rules.html
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Thank you for the link! I find that I can read and reread and reread, and never catch everything. And reading in Word, I see things diffrently than in a text only document, and differently, again in an email, or on paper. Ugh!!
Love,
Tina
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The purdue site has a lot on clauses. I'm trying to improve sentence variety. I just came from there. Link:http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/604/1/
In that one sentence: And ugly, with two small eyes ...
I wondered, is it OK to have two descriptors 'two' and 'small' without a comma? It seems at times that it would be better to let two such short words be left without one. But all the rules that I read say put the comma in. Which in the case of this sentence would be: And ugly, with two, small eyes and
... This is what I had originally ad took out the first comma. I still like it this way. Is it too many commas?
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Here's the comma rule I know that I was applying to two small eyes: If you can reverse the adjectives before the noun and the sentence still makes perfect sense, then use a comma; however, if you reverse them and the sentence no longer makes sense, then don't use a comma in order to show that they need to be read in the order you've written them.
"And ugly with two, small eyes and only two patches of hair." (Would you say, And ugly with small two eyes and only... Probably not. However, by inserting a comma between them, you are suggesting that they can be reversed and still make sense. Savvy?
Here is another way to test it: try to put 'and' between them and see if the sentence makes sense: And ugly with two and small eyes...
Here's the OWL rule:
Use commas to separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun. Be sure never to add an extra comma between the final adjective and the noun itself or to use commas with non-coordinate adjectives.
Coordinate adjectives are adjectives with equal ("co"-ordinate) status in describing the noun; neither adjective is subordinate to the other. You can decide if two adjectives in a row are coordinate by asking the following questions:
â?¢Does the sentence make sense if the adjectives are written in reverse order?
â?¢Does the sentence make sense if the adjectives are written with and between them?
If you answer yes to these questions, then the adjectives are coordinate and should be separated by a comma. Here are some examples of coordinate and non-coordinate adjectives:
He was a difficult, stubborn child. (coordinate)
They lived in a white frame house. (non-coordinate)
Is this making sense?
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Perfect sense, Tina. I've been struggling with this for so long. Now, I can just write and not muddle over every adjective. Thank you so much. You keep earning shamrocks! I also have some banner ads. Do you want one of those, now, or on your next post?
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Hahahaha, too generous!! I, too, am a happy girl now that I know this rule!! Tell you what, you just add whatever you want to whatever post happens to come up and ring your bell!! Savvy? :-)
Loves ya!!
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:) ellen
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I'm always amazed at your vivid imagination, Ellen.
Now I've grown used to the characters' names now, I find
I can follow it much easier without keep referring to the
Author's notes. ...What's going to happen with Sadie?
Margaret
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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I'm always amazed at your vivid imagination, Ellen.
Now I've grown used to the characters' names now, I find
I can follow it much easier without keep referring to the
Author's notes. ...What's going to happen with Sadie?
Margaret
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Margaret. Ahh, we shall see what happens Other' are worried about her, too. I've created a bit of drama. LOL I have 5000 words written and can post another section soon. Just need to edit. I'm glad the names are beginning to stick.:) ellen
Comment from Gungalo
Well now, what have we happening here? It would appear annihilation is eminent but that would ruin the story so just what is going to happen, BD?
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Well now, what have we happening here? It would appear annihilation is eminent but that would ruin the story so just what is going to happen, BD?
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you, G. for seeing that there may be a bit of a fight here. Ruin the story? With so many Vermel to go? LOL :)BD
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Oh yeah girl and it looks to be a good one too.
Comment from purrfect tale
Oh, wow! So much for Sadie getting topside. This was a real surprise and kept me glued to the page. Really nice build-up to this moment. Can't wait to see how much damage Trolious causes.
Trell sways and glides() over the warm interior floor - delete comma
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Oh, wow! So much for Sadie getting topside. This was a real surprise and kept me glued to the page. Really nice build-up to this moment. Can't wait to see how much damage Trolious causes.
Trell sways and glides() over the warm interior floor - delete comma
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you, PT for your concern for Sadie. She's a tough ole girl. T is going to mess things up a bit. Thank you for the lovely sixer and staying glued. :) ellen
Comment from ScarletClearwater
You put quite a lot into this post. It was well-written and I could follow it even with all of the different names and characters. It was a good read.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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You put quite a lot into this post. It was well-written and I could follow it even with all of the different names and characters. It was a good read.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thank you for telling me that. I always worry that there is too much for a reader to hold onto and not get lost. Whew! Thank you for the clarification that you could follow it. :) barking dog