The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The red dress Chapter ten"The story of a teenage girl
13 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Wow, you certainly know how to pack a wallop into a chapter! So much for my naive, happy thoughts....
How can no one see through Cruella's act? Especially the police.... why would he leave a bag of dope behind. Unless that town's police are incredibly stupid, they should question that.... now I'm ready to open a can of Whoop Butt on Cruella. ...
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Wow, you certainly know how to pack a wallop into a chapter! So much for my naive, happy thoughts....
How can no one see through Cruella's act? Especially the police.... why would he leave a bag of dope behind. Unless that town's police are incredibly stupid, they should question that.... now I'm ready to open a can of Whoop Butt on Cruella. ...
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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AS you know now, they did...thank goodness! Thank you so much for all the time and effort you've gone to reviewing. Alexis x
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
An exciting chapter, Alexis,
the characters real and the
dialogue good.
A couple of suggestions, just ignore if not in agreement, my friend.
Lisa was glad he didn't seem as uptight as he had (been)the night before - add been
When she came out she was dressed in the only clothes she now owned, and she cursed at not having any make up because she felt naked without it. - 5 "she"'s in this line!! Might you consider...
When she came out dressed in the only clothes she now owned, she cursed at not having any make up, because it made her feel naked. - 3
put her hand on his shoulder before she asked him again- before asking him again
Vikki's Mum, who [it](in) turn gave
registration (number),
and suddenly(,) I'm
Margaret
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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An exciting chapter, Alexis,
the characters real and the
dialogue good.
A couple of suggestions, just ignore if not in agreement, my friend.
Lisa was glad he didn't seem as uptight as he had (been)the night before - add been
When she came out she was dressed in the only clothes she now owned, and she cursed at not having any make up because she felt naked without it. - 5 "she"'s in this line!! Might you consider...
When she came out dressed in the only clothes she now owned, she cursed at not having any make up, because it made her feel naked. - 3
put her hand on his shoulder before she asked him again- before asking him again
Vikki's Mum, who [it](in) turn gave
registration (number),
and suddenly(,) I'm
Margaret
Comment Written 22-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2012
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Perfect! Thank you so much, Margaret. All corrected. Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Still have me hooked. That mother is she related to the ugly sisters in Cinderella? Oh maybe it was Snow White...I'm pretty darn sure I came across her before.
Witch bitch....yup nasty one.
Great story didn't see anything sticking out except the horns on said mothers head.
Otherwise perfect writing and a perfect story to hold your readers to.
Very well done Ace!
Thanks for sharing,
Maureen
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
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Still have me hooked. That mother is she related to the ugly sisters in Cinderella? Oh maybe it was Snow White...I'm pretty darn sure I came across her before.
Witch bitch....yup nasty one.
Great story didn't see anything sticking out except the horns on said mothers head.
Otherwise perfect writing and a perfect story to hold your readers to.
Very well done Ace!
Thanks for sharing,
Maureen
Comment Written 21-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
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Can't believe I'm just catching up on your wonderful review now! Yeah, think it's Snow white! Thank you so much, LC, understand everything you say, BC xxx
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LMAO- got it loud and clear.:)
xxo
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
He came out of the bathroom with a bath towel wrapped [a]round his waist,
Lisa's heart sank. She should have guessed her mother [had something to do with it]. --- this doesn't fit. "she should have guessed her mother would do something like that."
At that moment[,] Lisa hated her mother with bitterness beyond belief.
After they checked out[,] they lapsed into silence as they made their way South.
Every time either of them saw anything vaguely resembling a police car[,] they expected to be pulled over.
As Alan drove[,] they talked through the alleged charges one by one, and by the time they reached Chelmsford[,] they were both so strung up[no comma in place of "that'] Alan was convinced,
like the day before, he was going to crash the car.
Good job! I was nto expecting this.
Roberta
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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He came out of the bathroom with a bath towel wrapped [a]round his waist,
Lisa's heart sank. She should have guessed her mother [had something to do with it]. --- this doesn't fit. "she should have guessed her mother would do something like that."
At that moment[,] Lisa hated her mother with bitterness beyond belief.
After they checked out[,] they lapsed into silence as they made their way South.
Every time either of them saw anything vaguely resembling a police car[,] they expected to be pulled over.
As Alan drove[,] they talked through the alleged charges one by one, and by the time they reached Chelmsford[,] they were both so strung up[no comma in place of "that'] Alan was convinced,
like the day before, he was going to crash the car.
Good job! I was nto expecting this.
Roberta
Comment Written 21-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Roberta. Having finished clearing my late parents house, I am now back to serious concentration mode!Hopefully I have corrected everything in this chapter and I can move on to chapter nine. Alexis x
Comment from Malerie
Wow, Lisa's mom is a real piece of work. To what lengthens will she go to ruin Lisa's life. Poor Alan, his life will ever be the same no matter what happens. I am really enjoying your work; you are a very creative writer and I am so intrigued by the story; I'll keep reading (Good thing that I didn't have to work today, I am glued to my computer)
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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Wow, Lisa's mom is a real piece of work. To what lengthens will she go to ruin Lisa's life. Poor Alan, his life will ever be the same no matter what happens. I am really enjoying your work; you are a very creative writer and I am so intrigued by the story; I'll keep reading (Good thing that I didn't have to work today, I am glued to my computer)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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Once again, my sincere thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm so pleased you are enjoying it so much. I hope to post one or two chapters on Sunday. Take care, Alexis x
Comment from axelbeariter
and put it down to the fact her mother was now over two hundred miles away, so couldn't hurt her any more./If you add she after so, that sentence would sound smoother.----unsuccessfully to ignore the effect his wet, naked chest was having on her./I thought that only happened the other way around.----being machine gunned by a million hot bullets!"/Nice----Lisa was glad he didn't seem as up tight as he had the night before./up tight is one word: uptight----At that moment in time/Drop in time.----Your story gets better every chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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and put it down to the fact her mother was now over two hundred miles away, so couldn't hurt her any more./If you add she after so, that sentence would sound smoother.----unsuccessfully to ignore the effect his wet, naked chest was having on her./I thought that only happened the other way around.----being machine gunned by a million hot bullets!"/Nice----Lisa was glad he didn't seem as up tight as he had the night before./up tight is one word: uptight----At that moment in time/Drop in time.----Your story gets better every chapter.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much, and apologies for taking so long to reply, it's been a seriously full on week clearing out my parents house in Dunoon. All corrections made(!) Alexis x
Comment from robina1978
Alexis , it keeps on being so good. Who could ever imagine Lisa's mother setting the police out looking for them. And Allan did not have drugs. But I truly don't know if going to the police together will help them. Lisa is worried about this with due course.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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Alexis , it keeps on being so good. Who could ever imagine Lisa's mother setting the police out looking for them. And Allan did not have drugs. But I truly don't know if going to the police together will help them. Lisa is worried about this with due course.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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Who could indeed! Thank you so much for your usual thoughtful review. I still have lots of work to do on these two chapters, but I'm getting there!
Comment from rwilliam
Awesome, exciting, chapter. I read through this so quickly like eating a delicious dessert. Well done. I am off to read more. Keep them coming. You're doing wonderful!!
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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Awesome, exciting, chapter. I read through this so quickly like eating a delicious dessert. Well done. I am off to read more. Keep them coming. You're doing wonderful!!
Comment Written 19-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much! It's encouragement like this that keeps me going! Alexis x
Comment from debskatz
Hey alexis,
Wow, that was certainly a twist I didn't see coming. Cool!
Over all, the writing was good but I did find a few spag:
"The fact (that) they both knew they"
"Where will your mother have got the drugs from?" (H)(h)e asked,
"used wealth and their(her) domineering character to try and put them dowm(down)"
"(as often happens when a parent interferes in a relationship.)"
The above is a commentary 'telling' us what's going on when you've just 'showed' us. Doesn't need to be there.
It's just a few nits & went ahead & gave you 5 stars, but you better fix them! I'll keep you after class if you don't! lol
Story is going great. I'm off to the next chapter!
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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Hey alexis,
Wow, that was certainly a twist I didn't see coming. Cool!
Over all, the writing was good but I did find a few spag:
"The fact (that) they both knew they"
"Where will your mother have got the drugs from?" (H)(h)e asked,
"used wealth and their(her) domineering character to try and put them dowm(down)"
"(as often happens when a parent interferes in a relationship.)"
The above is a commentary 'telling' us what's going on when you've just 'showed' us. Doesn't need to be there.
It's just a few nits & went ahead & gave you 5 stars, but you better fix them! I'll keep you after class if you don't! lol
Story is going great. I'm off to the next chapter!
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 18-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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You are so right, I spent hours editing this one and rushed the next. Hopefully I've sorted all of the above. Thank you!
Comment from LisaSilva
"They had become united as they faced an adversary who had used wealth and their domineering character to try and put them dowm. In trying to split them asunder"
I am relieved that he found a common ground and didn't feel she was a burden.
It figures a mother like that would find a way to stay connected in her cruelty. It's all about control, right?
Your typing and grammar are always exceptional. Just one little typo, darn those things, "who it turn gave your mother my parents" Should be "who in turn" I would think.:)
Moving on to the next chapter...thank you, and love to you, Lisa
"
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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"They had become united as they faced an adversary who had used wealth and their domineering character to try and put them dowm. In trying to split them asunder"
I am relieved that he found a common ground and didn't feel she was a burden.
It figures a mother like that would find a way to stay connected in her cruelty. It's all about control, right?
Your typing and grammar are always exceptional. Just one little typo, darn those things, "who it turn gave your mother my parents" Should be "who in turn" I would think.:)
Moving on to the next chapter...thank you, and love to you, Lisa
"
Comment Written 18-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2012
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I Thank you yet again for your great review and encouragement. I'm having a day off tomorrow but look forward to posting more at the weekend. I think you will enjoy what's coming up next! Alexis x t