The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The red dress Chapter three"The story of a teenage girl
12 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Oh dear, this Nick sounds a bit odd to be so enamored with a girl he's never even talked to.... but rich and gorgeous.... but then that last sentence makes me think there's a Super Freak running around on the inside of Nick. Hopefully I'm wrong. The poor girl could use a nice ally. I have a feeling he's not it. We'll have to see.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
  |
Oh dear, this Nick sounds a bit odd to be so enamored with a girl he's never even talked to.... but rich and gorgeous.... but then that last sentence makes me think there's a Super Freak running around on the inside of Nick. Hopefully I'm wrong. The poor girl could use a nice ally. I have a feeling he's not it. We'll have to see.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
-
Nick is an incredible character, but I've had to be careful not to let anyone inside his head yet, whereas we know Lisa and Alan's thoughts from the start. As for the mother, well, say no more...
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
I assume that what you told us is not a part of the book. Therefore, when you switch to Lisa, you should make it clear that it's been a year since that incident.
What had started as an amusing fascination with an attractive teenager[I don't know what they call it, but the sentence to this point is the subject, "had turned" is the verb. You don't separate the subject from its verb with a comma] had almost turned into an obsession. He had been staying at the same hotel on
the Isle of Man three years before when he spotted her, and his interest had grow[n] every year since then.[ ]The family always came
When they had first come[,] she had been three years old,
By the time Lisa got down to the bar[,] it was packed with the Saturday afternoon golfers who had strayed from the clubhouse before going home.
Even when she reached their table, and Scott introduced her to Nick, she couldn't place him[,] and she stared at his
face trying to work it out while Scott left them alone together to get her a drink. --- Suggestion: "together to get her" sounds too much alike. I'd change one of them.
"Well, up until last month[,] I was at boarding school in the Borders eight months of the year, and apart from my parents' holiday home in Argyll, the rest
When Scott came back with Lisa's drink[,] he turned to Nick and asked him if he was still going to the nightclub opening later that evening.
The thought of getting away from the hotel and escaping from the stuffy surroundings[subject-verb separation again] was the answer to her prayers.
because of her friend Vikki[] Clark's
Scott knew exactly how to handle his mother, so as soon as they sat down[,] he introduced them to Nick[] before asking his father the question.
During dinner[,] Scott told his parents everything he had found out about Nick from the barman. Apparently, he
was one of the youngest millionaires on the Island, and he had come to live there two years before in order to take advantage of the tax benefits of living
on the Island. He was unmarried[] and regarded as the most eligible bachelor in the Isle of Man, which impressed Lisa's mother so much[missing that; no comma] she suggested that
they shouldn't keep Nick waiting any longer and that they should skip dessert and go.
Roberta
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2012
|
I assume that what you told us is not a part of the book. Therefore, when you switch to Lisa, you should make it clear that it's been a year since that incident.
What had started as an amusing fascination with an attractive teenager[I don't know what they call it, but the sentence to this point is the subject, "had turned" is the verb. You don't separate the subject from its verb with a comma] had almost turned into an obsession. He had been staying at the same hotel on
the Isle of Man three years before when he spotted her, and his interest had grow[n] every year since then.[ ]The family always came
When they had first come[,] she had been three years old,
By the time Lisa got down to the bar[,] it was packed with the Saturday afternoon golfers who had strayed from the clubhouse before going home.
Even when she reached their table, and Scott introduced her to Nick, she couldn't place him[,] and she stared at his
face trying to work it out while Scott left them alone together to get her a drink. --- Suggestion: "together to get her" sounds too much alike. I'd change one of them.
"Well, up until last month[,] I was at boarding school in the Borders eight months of the year, and apart from my parents' holiday home in Argyll, the rest
When Scott came back with Lisa's drink[,] he turned to Nick and asked him if he was still going to the nightclub opening later that evening.
The thought of getting away from the hotel and escaping from the stuffy surroundings[subject-verb separation again] was the answer to her prayers.
because of her friend Vikki[] Clark's
Scott knew exactly how to handle his mother, so as soon as they sat down[,] he introduced them to Nick[] before asking his father the question.
During dinner[,] Scott told his parents everything he had found out about Nick from the barman. Apparently, he
was one of the youngest millionaires on the Island, and he had come to live there two years before in order to take advantage of the tax benefits of living
on the Island. He was unmarried[] and regarded as the most eligible bachelor in the Isle of Man, which impressed Lisa's mother so much[missing that; no comma] she suggested that
they shouldn't keep Nick waiting any longer and that they should skip dessert and go.
Roberta
Comment Written 18-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2012
-
My thanks yet again for this review, Roberta. I have at last caught up. I have learnt so much from you. You are a very fine example of what this site should be about. Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
What had started as an amusing fascination with an attractive teenager, who had been staying at the same hotel as him when he had been looking for property on the Isle of Man three years before, had almost turned into an obsession.--This is a run on sentence and needs some help.:-) Maybe Try:
What had started as an amusing fascination with an attractive teenager, had almost turned into an obsession. He had been staying at the same hotel on the Isle of Man three years before when he spotted her.
"I don't blame you, especially if you're stuck here and you don't drive, but the Island's great...it's just that all the real action is in Douglas, especially at night.'--Unnecessary words here. Maybe try: I don't blame you, if you're stuck here and don't drive, but the Island's great.. it's just that all the real action is in Douglas, especially at night.
This is a good chapter. My only real critique would be careful of falling into telling me the story instead of letting me experience it. See it.
Great work! Off to read the next chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
What had started as an amusing fascination with an attractive teenager, who had been staying at the same hotel as him when he had been looking for property on the Isle of Man three years before, had almost turned into an obsession.--This is a run on sentence and needs some help.:-) Maybe Try:
What had started as an amusing fascination with an attractive teenager, had almost turned into an obsession. He had been staying at the same hotel on the Isle of Man three years before when he spotted her.
"I don't blame you, especially if you're stuck here and you don't drive, but the Island's great...it's just that all the real action is in Douglas, especially at night.'--Unnecessary words here. Maybe try: I don't blame you, if you're stuck here and don't drive, but the Island's great.. it's just that all the real action is in Douglas, especially at night.
This is a good chapter. My only real critique would be careful of falling into telling me the story instead of letting me experience it. See it.
Great work! Off to read the next chapter. :-)
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
As my last reply said, you have have helped me rework those paragraphs so that they read better. Thank you! Alexis x
Comment from robina1978
This is another great chapter of your lovely book. Now Lisa is on holiday and a lot older, but still so much restricted by her mother. Her brother helps her to be allowed to go out with this guy, that is assumed to be a good catch and very wealthy. The six is for your whole book so far.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
 |
This is another great chapter of your lovely book. Now Lisa is on holiday and a lot older, but still so much restricted by her mother. Her brother helps her to be allowed to go out with this guy, that is assumed to be a good catch and very wealthy. The six is for your whole book so far.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much! You have made my day, Ine. Hope I can keep you entertained along the way with the twists and turns of this one. There are quite a few! Take care, Alexis x
-
Sure you will, Ine
Comment from debskatz
Hi Alexis,
Well... It's heating up! This is really proving to be interesting. And I just read it without even looking for 'that's!' I'm pretty sure if there were a lot of nits, they'd jump out at me. Well done, my friend!
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
|
Hi Alexis,
Well... It's heating up! This is really proving to be interesting. And I just read it without even looking for 'that's!' I'm pretty sure if there were a lot of nits, they'd jump out at me. Well done, my friend!
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
-
As Victor Meldrew would say, "I don't believe it!" Yes, a bit like one of those Eureka moments, little 'that's' are now jumping out at me and causing me great offence...all thanks to you! One of the best lessons I have been taught since I joined, and greatly appreciated. Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Stars in my eyes....
Yes I could do with a mega multimillionaire sweeping me off my feet...
Great chapter, carried me swiftly alone. I tried hard to see spags, and didn't catch anything that stuck out. A
Overall great flow and imagery. Characters have depth and realism. Though the battle-axe needs horns...
Loved it, read it quickly as it scooped me up and before I knew it the story was over. Want more.
Thanks for sharing,
Maureen
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
|
Stars in my eyes....
Yes I could do with a mega multimillionaire sweeping me off my feet...
Great chapter, carried me swiftly alone. I tried hard to see spags, and didn't catch anything that stuck out. A
Overall great flow and imagery. Characters have depth and realism. Though the battle-axe needs horns...
Loved it, read it quickly as it scooped me up and before I knew it the story was over. Want more.
Thanks for sharing,
Maureen
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
-
Do you know what? You're just fabulous! Oh, believe me, she had them, big time! Will 'try to post tomorrow. (much more fun than moving stuff out of my parents house...okay, so I'm procrastinating...my prerogative, I'm a woman! tee he...
Comment from axelbeariter
Her long dark hair was blowing in the wind,/Putting in parts of a description throughout the first few chapters instead of using a description dump in chapter one's first sentence is a sign of a professional.----she was home from school like a jailer does a prisoner./Drop a prisoner. It's implied.----This is another great chapter complete with revealing character sketches of the players. You done good again!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
Her long dark hair was blowing in the wind,/Putting in parts of a description throughout the first few chapters instead of using a description dump in chapter one's first sentence is a sign of a professional.----she was home from school like a jailer does a prisoner./Drop a prisoner. It's implied.----This is another great chapter complete with revealing character sketches of the players. You done good again!
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
I'm so sorry I've taken so long to get back to you, and thank you for this review. I've been editing my little socks off!
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
Well I'd like to think she is far better off at the end of this chapter than the last. But I don't know about that Nick. Sounds like she may have more problems coming her way.Good chapter, Alexis.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
|
Well I'd like to think she is far better off at the end of this chapter than the last. But I don't know about that Nick. Sounds like she may have more problems coming her way.Good chapter, Alexis.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much. Just to cause even more confusion, chapter 5 is set in Dunoon, Argyll (Scotland) and explains what happened after chapter four. Based on a true story, you couldn't make any of it up if you tried! My thank again, Alexis x
Comment from Malerie
Enjoyable as the first two chapters. I am holding my breath to see what happens to Lisa. Either way, it is good to see the start of things picking up for her. I am really enjoying this book so far. Please keep writing; I'm hooked.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
|
Enjoyable as the first two chapters. I am holding my breath to see what happens to Lisa. Either way, it is good to see the start of things picking up for her. I am really enjoying this book so far. Please keep writing; I'm hooked.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
-
All I can promise is, you won't be able to believe it when you read it, and that's a promise! Alexis x
Comment from Cindy Warren
Nick sounds like a real creep. But then, what's a story without the villian? Of course, I came to the story late and I could be wrong. A little too much explanation here and there, but it seems like an interesting story.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
|
Nick sounds like a real creep. But then, what's a story without the villian? Of course, I came to the story late and I could be wrong. A little too much explanation here and there, but it seems like an interesting story.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
-
Thank you. Your insight is good! Alexis x