Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Gima: Trell and Booth # 11"fantasy adventure
16 total reviews
Comment from strandregs
Trell's first degrading night begins. He sees Jami in the booth- something about the connection between these two sentences , not what one (me) expects ,you say his night of degredation begins and then something banal not actually to him is described. hope you get me.
who scramble for admission outside. comma after admission?
Gripping reading will get to the next ...Z.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Trell's first degrading night begins. He sees Jami in the booth- something about the connection between these two sentences , not what one (me) expects ,you say his night of degredation begins and then something banal not actually to him is described. hope you get me.
who scramble for admission outside. comma after admission?
Gripping reading will get to the next ...Z.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I haven't gone back to edit these older chapter. I'm sure there are some things like this that need charification. Thank you for your review, Z. I'll put make the corrections when I do a final edit. They'll be very useful. Are you trying to catch up with the story. It's moving quickly ahead. Two posts currently up that pay,if your interested. The writing has improved since chapter 10. Love your help!:) barking dog
Comment from Tina55
Tres bien, Ellen!
Mold-blossom oil...is this a gem mined entirely from your rich imagination? I love it, real or not, and am trying to imagine what it must smell like! :)
Sadie really comes alive for me, as before. I love the way you lead the reader through her thoughts, her actions, and her speech, revealing her true nature slowly - it's tantalizing. Greedy, salivates, drops, waddles...all excellent and specific in rounding out her character.
Scalpers, near the entrance are doing quite well, tonight. (I'm not sure of your commas here. Perhaps: Scalpers, near the entrance, are doing quiet well tonight. Shrug.)
Mr. Arnt harrumphs drooling through fazil-tarnished sharpness and brandishing his silver-knobbed cane. (Great feel here; very visual!)
You rock this post with your imagination; it's obvious that every bit of this plays out in your head and you simply write down what you see. You have a very special gift, my girl! :)
Sadie moves elegantly through the crowd. She wears a flowing white caftan with smears of underworld colors - copper-green and mold-gray. Her white-hair is scattered with silver alum lilies and a single, hand-crafted, copper butterfly perches above her partial right ear. Her new wart accenting make-up is impeccable, highlighting her natural bluish grayness. For her age, she is alluring with a green-sequined, pig -bristle eye-lash blinking over her clever, purple-black eye. (No one can touch your ability to embellish the real with the fantasy. You have transported me, completely, into an unknown world)
The reflective, ten-foot tall, silver and green alum, cobra sculpture seems to assume its poised stance, just for her. Each evening when she announces his name, somewhere, deep inside her twisted mind, Sadie believes that he poses for her. If not actually here then somewhere, in mythical, ritualistic preparation, he rises for her. She dreams that he awaits their conjoinment for a mixing of their lethal poisons in a battle of passion and survival. She fantasises a love perfected through hate and pain when their two opposing worlds collide in ecstasy. He is coiled, always ready to strike. Sadie is as well. (GASP! This is untouchable! Tens stars all the way. All. The. Way!)
I love the names of your drinks!
She immerses herself into the soothing mural with its twinkle of golden-glass sunlight and its stream of blinking water. (This is great; very creative!)
She touches the decorative blue and red sheath which is always by her side. Supposedly, it houses a dagger. But no--nothing so sharp but something much more dangerous; it protects the relic, carefully rolled-up, camouflaged safely, inside.
(Most excellent ending! This Sadie is so complex, as are all your characters. Good and bad blur and mingle in this tale, pushing the reader to suck it up and dive in!)
I've liked the crazy depth of this story from the beginning, but this post shines anew for me. Your writing is getting so tight! You've been working your tools, Ellen, keep it up! Bravo!!
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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Tres bien, Ellen!
Mold-blossom oil...is this a gem mined entirely from your rich imagination? I love it, real or not, and am trying to imagine what it must smell like! :)
Sadie really comes alive for me, as before. I love the way you lead the reader through her thoughts, her actions, and her speech, revealing her true nature slowly - it's tantalizing. Greedy, salivates, drops, waddles...all excellent and specific in rounding out her character.
Scalpers, near the entrance are doing quite well, tonight. (I'm not sure of your commas here. Perhaps: Scalpers, near the entrance, are doing quiet well tonight. Shrug.)
Mr. Arnt harrumphs drooling through fazil-tarnished sharpness and brandishing his silver-knobbed cane. (Great feel here; very visual!)
You rock this post with your imagination; it's obvious that every bit of this plays out in your head and you simply write down what you see. You have a very special gift, my girl! :)
Sadie moves elegantly through the crowd. She wears a flowing white caftan with smears of underworld colors - copper-green and mold-gray. Her white-hair is scattered with silver alum lilies and a single, hand-crafted, copper butterfly perches above her partial right ear. Her new wart accenting make-up is impeccable, highlighting her natural bluish grayness. For her age, she is alluring with a green-sequined, pig -bristle eye-lash blinking over her clever, purple-black eye. (No one can touch your ability to embellish the real with the fantasy. You have transported me, completely, into an unknown world)
The reflective, ten-foot tall, silver and green alum, cobra sculpture seems to assume its poised stance, just for her. Each evening when she announces his name, somewhere, deep inside her twisted mind, Sadie believes that he poses for her. If not actually here then somewhere, in mythical, ritualistic preparation, he rises for her. She dreams that he awaits their conjoinment for a mixing of their lethal poisons in a battle of passion and survival. She fantasises a love perfected through hate and pain when their two opposing worlds collide in ecstasy. He is coiled, always ready to strike. Sadie is as well. (GASP! This is untouchable! Tens stars all the way. All. The. Way!)
I love the names of your drinks!
She immerses herself into the soothing mural with its twinkle of golden-glass sunlight and its stream of blinking water. (This is great; very creative!)
She touches the decorative blue and red sheath which is always by her side. Supposedly, it houses a dagger. But no--nothing so sharp but something much more dangerous; it protects the relic, carefully rolled-up, camouflaged safely, inside.
(Most excellent ending! This Sadie is so complex, as are all your characters. Good and bad blur and mingle in this tale, pushing the reader to suck it up and dive in!)
I've liked the crazy depth of this story from the beginning, but this post shines anew for me. Your writing is getting so tight! You've been working your tools, Ellen, keep it up! Bravo!!
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 11-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2012
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I can't thank you enough for your time spent on this review. Sadie is something and demanded air time.The diva pushed Trell in a booth and said, "Me, me, me!" LOL. It is all a movie playing as I try to catch up typing. I'm sure you're are the same. I can feel it when I read your scenes and characters, too. I thought everybody's mind saw things. We are fortunate. Now, to just get it on the page. Thank you for saying I'm getting tighter and I've been working my tools.(read that again, sexy lady. LOL) Then you add 'keep it up'. OMG!! We are deep in it now. I'm stopping. :) Thank you again and yes, that first bit with the commas needs changing. :) ellen xxx
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Ha ha ha...I wasn't actually going for sexy when I wrote those things, my mind was set squarely on your writing mojo!! It always tends to come out that way with me, though. Shrug. Keep up the good work...get your mind out of the gutter, I wasn't going there!!
:-D
Tina
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LOL I know. Just kidding.I'll stay up on the curb.LOL
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I'm just playing around...I'm not offended or anything. In fact, I barely make it back up to curb level most days. LOL
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LOL I just got a visual of back in the day when we'd walk with one foot in the gutter and the other on the curb. It's fun too play both levels. LOL
Comment from Ted T
Hi Ellen :)
The worlds you've created are complex and so are the characters. This type of fantasy is out of my area of expertise, but you seem to have a firm grip on it.
Is it necessary to include such an extensive glossary with the book? Shouldn't the reader be able to suspend disbelief and accept the imaginary characters and worlds you've created? All the explanation seems to be a distraction. Is this common to the genera?
Ted
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Hi Ellen :)
The worlds you've created are complex and so are the characters. This type of fantasy is out of my area of expertise, but you seem to have a firm grip on it.
Is it necessary to include such an extensive glossary with the book? Shouldn't the reader be able to suspend disbelief and accept the imaginary characters and worlds you've created? All the explanation seems to be a distraction. Is this common to the genera?
Ted
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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The glossary( I hate it, too!) is there for those who have not read the earlier chapters and need a crutch. There would be no such thing in a true book format. I had people asking me about words, so I made a glossery. It's a FanStory necessity or they will drive me nuts. LOL Most people don't bother with it. Like you said, they suspend disbelief. Others need the pacifier. It's all most over. Several more chapters to go. Then I can go back and re-write. I want to work on a script for it eventually.
I'm pleased that you caught a bit of the Under Earth and the Vermel. The chapter that was mentioned in BOM was Upper Earth and isn't the evil end of things.
Thank you for your support, Ted.
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Hi again :)
You're welcome. It will be a tough script to write.
Ted
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Yep! Lots to re-arrange and the story will be very different as action usually drives the script. They can't just drag their asses through the forest all day. LOL and watch the deer and squirrels.
It'll extend the book ... a be better. It's missing confrontation. Blood, heads rolling ... or hanging from the trees with birds nesting in the skulls. LOL Sights not in the book. Re-writing should be fun.:)
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Hi :)
You seem to have something going on the book, I wish I could be more help with specifics.
The revision can be fun, but also a daunting task.
Good luck with it.
Ted
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is a great chapter. So much imagination and description. That Sadie is despicable and the poor young boys being sold like prostitutes is so sad. It is so true though that there are those among us who still believe whites are a superior race, just as there is a superior race here. I can't believe how imaginative you are!!! I tried to gibe you a six, but it won't let me. So it is a virtual six!!! Debbie
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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This is a great chapter. So much imagination and description. That Sadie is despicable and the poor young boys being sold like prostitutes is so sad. It is so true though that there are those among us who still believe whites are a superior race, just as there is a superior race here. I can't believe how imaginative you are!!! I tried to gibe you a six, but it won't let me. So it is a virtual six!!! Debbie
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Thank you for the review and the virtual six, Debbie. The prejudices went with the Vermel to Under Earth when their ancestors sought sanctuary there. It's a fun write and I can see how many don't want to see their own 'evil' as portrayed in the Vermel. Wait 'til the second book ... a sequel. LOL
Comment from Writingfundimension
Ellen, this is an excellent chapter! I'm astounded by your imagination and your amazing ability to set a scene that comes to life in the imagination. You do leave a lot to the reader, but I'd rather let you guide me along using descriptives that I could never come up with on my own. This was totally fascinating to read! Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Ellen, this is an excellent chapter! I'm astounded by your imagination and your amazing ability to set a scene that comes to life in the imagination. You do leave a lot to the reader, but I'd rather let you guide me along using descriptives that I could never come up with on my own. This was totally fascinating to read! Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 09-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Bev for this review. I just don't know how far to go with the gorey details. I guess, I've already sent many reviewers packing from some of the earlier chapters, so I shouldn't worry now. Should I? LOL I'm glad it was visual and if it helped you see another world of different creatures ... what more could I hope for? Thank you again for plowing through a longer than poetic read. I love reading the prose pieces. It seems like many are allergic to them. LOL 'George' is doing very well! Congrats!: ellen xxx
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It's a real problem getting the folks on the site to read past about 800-1,000 words LOL. If they were reading an actual book, they could get up, take a break, and come back ready to read. Have you read Patrick Cox's chapters? They're long but like yours, worth the effort. Hang in there, buddy. And thanks for your kind congrats. Xxx Bev
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I'll check him out. It's hard to find the good writers. They're all hidden beneath the high-rollers.
Oh, I don't think these guys read books. It's all FS to many. They are addicted to short posts, reviews and replys. It's the social experience, not the reading or the writing that they crave. They are not our public. That's why I try to write the way I want to, hoping that a skill with develope that a greater audience will enjoy. FS should be a spring-board not a final destination.(Now that was a scary series of films! LOL)
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I think you make a very interesting point that I had not really thought of. I do feel like an outsider sometimes when I read posts between the 'high rollers'. Rather uncomfortably reminds me of high school and not being in the cool crowd. Xxx Bev
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Cool crowd? Oh you mean all the wanna bees who will stay here forever thinking that they are famous. Sure, I can see you there now ... hummmmm. LOL
Comment from Janie King
Congratulations for winning 5th place in scripts..It's bedtime and I know me so I'll just wish you God's blessings and go to bed, I do need to sleep tonight. God bless.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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Congratulations for winning 5th place in scripts..It's bedtime and I know me so I'll just wish you God's blessings and go to bed, I do need to sleep tonight. God bless.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much, Janie for your review and congratulations. Have a good night's rest.:)ellen xxx
Comment from adewpearl
You are to do as the viewer's request - drop the apostrophe
past the many, occupied booths - drop the comma
Vivid descriptive detail
'Sadie's' opens at midnight - Sadie's
Excellent dialogue of those in line, revealing their prurient interests in the performers
oozes itself into and, fills - drop the comma
snarls and stoops - excellent choice of high-impact verbs throughout to add mood to the story
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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You are to do as the viewer's request - drop the apostrophe
past the many, occupied booths - drop the comma
Vivid descriptive detail
'Sadie's' opens at midnight - Sadie's
Excellent dialogue of those in line, revealing their prurient interests in the performers
oozes itself into and, fills - drop the comma
snarls and stoops - excellent choice of high-impact verbs throughout to add mood to the story
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 08-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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Thank you Brooke for your keen eye. Several were so dumb. I need to read it over in the large type. I seem to miss the obvious ones if I don't. (like Sadie's' and the and, fills. I could kick myself.)
On the other hand thank you for your mentioning the high-impact verbs and that the descriptions were detailed. I assume that means they were clear and not too cluttered? I have to be careful not to clutter. Thank you again. I go to correct my dumbness.:)ellen
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It didn't seem cluttered to me! And please, no kicking. LOL
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LOL:) Ok, no kicking! Thank you for the response. I'm trying to track my common error besides the comma running wild.
Congrats on you poet ranking. I can't imagine the pressure of trying to hold on to it. Me ... no ranks yet. I'm happy to just poke along. :) Again, thank you, Brooke. You're so kind.;)ellen
Comment from Galactia
Well written and thought out story. very captivating from beginning until end. There was not a plain old borring line in there.
example of lines.
shall have him!" Mr. Arnt harrumphs drooling through fazil-tarnished sharpness and brandishing his silver-knobbed cane.
favorite line and great introductory.
a flashback to when he was a boy
Gima
Gima: Trell's Memories (part 1) by barking dog
Artwork by jgrace at FanArtReview.com
Category: Fantasy Fiction
Posted: January 8, 2012 Views: 22
Chapters:
...2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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ABOUT
BARKING DOG
She is also an active reviewer and is holding the #48 spot on the top ranked reviewer list.
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Dear Reader: 'Gima' has been listed as Sci-Fi Horror, actually it is Fantasy-Adventure-Horror, but there is no category for it on FanStory. This chapter is more Fantasy Fiction, I think. LOL I do not intend to offend anyone, but language and behaviors used are essential to the characters' and storyline contrasts. Scenes are meant to arouse a range of emotions. I hope that they do. :) barking dog
Previously: Hunter and Asmel, two humans, are stalking Gima and are only a day away from Apple Valley.
Gima and Trell, rest with their infants, Zee and Blathen in the Valley meadow. Blathen is a Vermel, and Zee looks human like his parents who are Vertant.Trell has much to decide. He falls asleep and his mind goes back to ten years ago when he was in Bellow City.
Chapter 9:
Trell was brought from Ticum's Arena to Sadie's House of Fantasy and Pleasure. He has been recovering from wounds received at the Arena. Tonight he's ready to be displayed and offered to the those who can afford him. He is an innocent 15 year old Vertant being offered to Vermel.
Chapter 10:
Trell, his body slick with mold-blossom oil, stands naked on the cold, pink-marble floor of the Great Room which is lined with octagonal glass chambers.
I quite enjoy reading your stories. your an amazing writer. keep it up.
Regards
Tia
_________________________
I added cool smileys to this message... if you don't see them go to: http://s.exps.me
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
 |
Well written and thought out story. very captivating from beginning until end. There was not a plain old borring line in there.
example of lines.
shall have him!" Mr. Arnt harrumphs drooling through fazil-tarnished sharpness and brandishing his silver-knobbed cane.
favorite line and great introductory.
a flashback to when he was a boy
Gima
Gima: Trell's Memories (part 1) by barking dog
Artwork by jgrace at FanArtReview.com
Category: Fantasy Fiction
Posted: January 8, 2012 Views: 22
Chapters:
...2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Print It
Print It
Save to Bookcase
View Reviews
Rate This
Make Reader Pick
Promote This
ABOUT
BARKING DOG
She is also an active reviewer and is holding the #48 spot on the top ranked reviewer list.
Portfolio | Become A Fan
Dear Reader: 'Gima' has been listed as Sci-Fi Horror, actually it is Fantasy-Adventure-Horror, but there is no category for it on FanStory. This chapter is more Fantasy Fiction, I think. LOL I do not intend to offend anyone, but language and behaviors used are essential to the characters' and storyline contrasts. Scenes are meant to arouse a range of emotions. I hope that they do. :) barking dog
Previously: Hunter and Asmel, two humans, are stalking Gima and are only a day away from Apple Valley.
Gima and Trell, rest with their infants, Zee and Blathen in the Valley meadow. Blathen is a Vermel, and Zee looks human like his parents who are Vertant.Trell has much to decide. He falls asleep and his mind goes back to ten years ago when he was in Bellow City.
Chapter 9:
Trell was brought from Ticum's Arena to Sadie's House of Fantasy and Pleasure. He has been recovering from wounds received at the Arena. Tonight he's ready to be displayed and offered to the those who can afford him. He is an innocent 15 year old Vertant being offered to Vermel.
Chapter 10:
Trell, his body slick with mold-blossom oil, stands naked on the cold, pink-marble floor of the Great Room which is lined with octagonal glass chambers.
I quite enjoy reading your stories. your an amazing writer. keep it up.
Regards
Tia
_________________________
I added cool smileys to this message... if you don't see them go to: http://s.exps.me
Comment Written 08-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Tia. I'm so pleased with your response to this chapter and that you have enjoyed reading this story. Thank you also for the six, exceptional, rating. It means a great deal to be given a six. :) barking dog.
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well deserved :))
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Ellen, I so enjoy the uniqueness
of your writing, your vivid imagination
shines throughout. A most intriguing
write and so well presented, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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Ellen, I so enjoy the uniqueness
of your writing, your vivid imagination
shines throughout. A most intriguing
write and so well presented, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 08-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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Thank you, Margaret. Did your imagination fill in the horrific blanks? I wanted to try hinting rather than fully describing. Did that work? Thank you.I'm exhausted and hungry so am off to eat. Thank you for your fine review.:)ellen xxx
Comment from babylonia
i'm not sure what you would clssify this as either. it seems more of fantasy but who am i to judge. it is nicely done and you can feel the passion in the air. some things never change ... LOL imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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i'm not sure what you would clssify this as either. it seems more of fantasy but who am i to judge. it is nicely done and you can feel the passion in the air. some things never change ... LOL imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara
Comment Written 08-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2012
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Thank you for your review, barbara. Sometimes it turns into more horror. This time not so much ... just the one small spewing.LOL How did you like Sadie?:)ellen xxx
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ellen,
i like sadie. she's got that "i am madam, hear me roar," type of mentatlity. never put up with any crap. don't damage the merchandise or i'll rip your goodies off. :P
i like it.
love,
barbara
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She is a real piece of work.I don't know when you started reading this but she is Vermel, with one eye and double rows of teeth and other deformities common to their kind. Oh, and the three fingered hand and feet that are twisted. Cutie pie ... isn't she. LOL Thank you again.See ya on the flip side(your posts):)ellen
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ellen,
well, i'm sure her kind find her very attractive. LOL you will be seeing me. :P
love,
barbara