Going Back in Time
Lesson in life and love.27 total reviews
Comment from Nicki Nance
That was a fun read. Most people don't remember those party years clearly enough to image them into others' heads, but you took me right there...except for having no root to rot.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
  |
That was a fun read. Most people don't remember those party years clearly enough to image them into others' heads, but you took me right there...except for having no root to rot.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much, Nicki, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. I'm not really sure if I remember any of those party days myself, it might all be a figment of my imagination. My favorite part of this story is that I've shared events of this character's life without even giving him a name. LOL. I'm glad you like my foolishness. And I always appreciate your writing, reviews, but most of all, YOU!
Comment from Jim Wile
Really good story, Ric. Your no-name protagonist gets a real life lesson in this story and realizes at the end what he passed up by his failure to ever contact Amanda.
He's a good guy. That's obvious by his refusal to take advantage of a passed-out babe, but he comes to realize what a mistake he made when he was younger.
This was really well-written with a great description of that part of Florida with its horse farms and how the area has changed over time. I loved this description: "Visibly intoxicated, and/or stoned, gaze-evoked nystagmus, a rhythmic oscillation of her slightly glazed eyes ensued as she struggled to focus."
I wish we'd get to see more of your work. I like your stories.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
|
Really good story, Ric. Your no-name protagonist gets a real life lesson in this story and realizes at the end what he passed up by his failure to ever contact Amanda.
He's a good guy. That's obvious by his refusal to take advantage of a passed-out babe, but he comes to realize what a mistake he made when he was younger.
This was really well-written with a great description of that part of Florida with its horse farms and how the area has changed over time. I loved this description: "Visibly intoxicated, and/or stoned, gaze-evoked nystagmus, a rhythmic oscillation of her slightly glazed eyes ensued as she struggled to focus."
I wish we'd get to see more of your work. I like your stories.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much, Jim, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. I'm glad you liked my setting set up. Someone's opinion that I highly respect didn't. They said I should have cut it back. But I wanted to start things slow, give a description of the place, and the different types in the story. Race trackers are a different breed. And yes, the area has changed so much. Mistakes! We've all made them, and many pay the price for a lifetime. I'm so glad you liked my story. My favorite thing about it is: I showed the events of this character life and never gave him a name. It's always a pleasure to read your stories, get your ideas on things, and your reviews! I appreciate YOU!
-
Yeah, I liked that slow buildup with a good description of the place. It's different if you start a novel that way, but I think it's fine for a short story.
With a novel, you need to grab the reader's attention fairly quickly within the first few pages, and if you haven't by the first ten, many readers won't continue on. I don't think that's as much of a consideration in a short story. Why not set the scene properly and take your time to get into the meat of it, which will come soon enough? People usually will keep reading a short story, and if not, they really don't have much of an attention span.
-
We seem to agree on lots of things. To me, slow starts used to enhance characters and settings can let readers get comfy and ready. Especially, when the action is non-stop afterwards. And that says a lot for me, since my attention span isn't longer than my nose. :-)
Comment from Begin Again
Well, my friend, you swept me away this early morning with your awesome and mind blowing story. At times, I felt "YOU" in the role and could actually see it unfolding... especially when your character showed his "colors" of being a stand-up gentleman regardless of when it's handed to him on a silver platter. And the ending... now that's a lesson and a half, isn't it? I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that life throws curve balls especially when we aren't looking.
It's not a Tucker story, but an awesome side of you. I truly enjoyed it.
Merry Christmas and have fun in Vegas! Don't get arrested.....
Smiles and hugs, Carol
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
|
Well, my friend, you swept me away this early morning with your awesome and mind blowing story. At times, I felt "YOU" in the role and could actually see it unfolding... especially when your character showed his "colors" of being a stand-up gentleman regardless of when it's handed to him on a silver platter. And the ending... now that's a lesson and a half, isn't it? I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that life throws curve balls especially when we aren't looking.
It's not a Tucker story, but an awesome side of you. I truly enjoyed it.
Merry Christmas and have fun in Vegas! Don't get arrested.....
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much, Carol, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. Since I've learned as much from you as anyone ever, I'm always anxious to get your review and feedback. We all make mistakes in life, but some haunt us for a lifetime. Merry Christmas, and have a wonderful time down south! I appreciate YOU!
-
And I YOU! You are always in my thoughts. Take care .... Hugs, Carol
-
Hugs, and a great big peck on the forehead! Ric
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I believe this is the first post of yours that is non-fiction that I've read (I'd change the "general fiction" to "biographical non-fiction" for the post.
And this is a very intimate "share" you've given us. I can't believe a mother would work with her daughter to set you up like that, and if Ashley knew you were her father, why would she not sit down with you to catch up? No matter how bitter, I would take the opportunity to hear the other side.
We all have regrets, and this is a big one. And we all make mistakes. Hopefully, you've forgiven yourself and moved on and have found peace with this.
A few fixes you might consider:
Read the sentence that begins "Mr. Gs" - I think it needs to be "Mr. Gs was". As it is, Mr. Gs seems to drop into no man's land.
"So, thought about what you're gonna to do?" Unless Tim is also intoxicated as he says this, I'd make it "what you're gonna do" or "what you're going to do".
"All charges WERE dropped" - add were
Thank you for sharing this piece of your life. Now we know a little more about you. That's brave for most of us; I think it's particularly brave for someone who keeps things close to the vest.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
|
I believe this is the first post of yours that is non-fiction that I've read (I'd change the "general fiction" to "biographical non-fiction" for the post.
And this is a very intimate "share" you've given us. I can't believe a mother would work with her daughter to set you up like that, and if Ashley knew you were her father, why would she not sit down with you to catch up? No matter how bitter, I would take the opportunity to hear the other side.
We all have regrets, and this is a big one. And we all make mistakes. Hopefully, you've forgiven yourself and moved on and have found peace with this.
A few fixes you might consider:
Read the sentence that begins "Mr. Gs" - I think it needs to be "Mr. Gs was". As it is, Mr. Gs seems to drop into no man's land.
"So, thought about what you're gonna to do?" Unless Tim is also intoxicated as he says this, I'd make it "what you're gonna do" or "what you're going to do".
"All charges WERE dropped" - add were
Thank you for sharing this piece of your life. Now we know a little more about you. That's brave for most of us; I think it's particularly brave for someone who keeps things close to the vest.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much, Pamela, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. Well, I wouldn't want to list this as non-fiction since it's "all fiction," as I'm concerned. My favorite part of the story is that I shared all this character's events without ever giving him a name. I'll get right over and compare your suggestions and make the needed changes. I have a tendency to leave out as many "was" and "were" verbs as I can, both past tense forms of the verb "to be," since they do little to nothing in changing what is said in most situations. Tim is drunk, but I sure never meant to say "gonna to do." LOL. Great catch! Thanks. And I'll add the WERE dropped. I appreciate YOU always!
Comment from Sanku
The ending was surprising like an O Henrian twist.To be propositioned by one's own daughter doesnt feel good but since it was planned as a revenge it made a nice story..
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
 |
The ending was surprising like an O Henrian twist.To be propositioned by one's own daughter doesnt feel good but since it was planned as a revenge it made a nice story..
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much for your generous review and kind words. I'm glad you thought it was a nice story. My favorite part is that I wrote about this character's events without giving his name. Much appreciated!
Comment from BethShelby
I loved your story which started out sounding very much like it really happened. I imagine at least some of it really did. How awkward to be propositioned by your own daughter. You made a story that was beginning to sound sordid have a really sensitive ending. I do remember the reality of you finding out you had a real-life daughter you didn't know about.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
|
I loved your story which started out sounding very much like it really happened. I imagine at least some of it really did. How awkward to be propositioned by your own daughter. You made a story that was beginning to sound sordid have a really sensitive ending. I do remember the reality of you finding out you had a real-life daughter you didn't know about.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much, Beth, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. Yes, fortunately this story, in this setting, is all fiction. But I'm sure my own personal experience certainly helped me with the idea. I just like to smack people in the face with a wet, soapy mop sometimes. LOL. My favorite part of this story is I told of this character's event without ever giving him a name. I appreciate YOU always, whether is reading your stories and getting your reviews!
Comment from jenintorre
Wow! What a gripping read. The title 'going back in time' signifies to me that this is mostly written from memory.
I love the eroticism of the bar scene
In my experience not many men would have been so caring and restraining. The twist at the end came as a great surprise. I hope there is another installment real soon. Can't wait. Thanks for sharing, my very clever friend. X
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
|
Wow! What a gripping read. The title 'going back in time' signifies to me that this is mostly written from memory.
I love the eroticism of the bar scene
In my experience not many men would have been so caring and restraining. The twist at the end came as a great surprise. I hope there is another installment real soon. Can't wait. Thanks for sharing, my very clever friend. X
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much, Jen, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. I'm so glad you like this story. Luckily for most of this, I was the outsider looking in. LOL. My favorite part of the story is that I shared this character's events without ever giving him a name. I hadn't planned on stretching this story out and making it longer, but who knows, it's an idea. And I sure wouldn't want to disappoint you, my sweet and kind friend! I appreciate YOU always!
Comment from karenina
It's always a pleasure to see a notice you have posted!
This is a softer side of you...no speed chances or shoot outs, but fireworks of another kind...
I enjoyed the lead in, as you gave the flavor of the "horse" life and the men who group together to enjoy the night life.
You lured me in with Ashley's award winning "performance."
Like most, I'd guess, I had her pegged as either a lush with questionable morals or possibly a date-drug victim.
Great diversion! I did NOT see the "you are her father" grenade about to explode!
Amanda's been nursing desertion issues for a long time...
By your actions (gentlemanly) with Ashley, it's clear you had no idea you'd left her to raise a child alone...
Digging deeper, I wondered if Ashley had been fed a bill of goods about her never do well absentee father and thus was willing to entrap you...
Sadly, I've known that to be true...
Enough regret and epiphany to go around!
I like where you left the ending, Ric.
I'll mentally pencil in dad and daughter getting to know one another...
(That green-eyed gal deserves to know life throws us curve balls!)
Happy Holidays!
Karenina
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
|
It's always a pleasure to see a notice you have posted!
This is a softer side of you...no speed chances or shoot outs, but fireworks of another kind...
I enjoyed the lead in, as you gave the flavor of the "horse" life and the men who group together to enjoy the night life.
You lured me in with Ashley's award winning "performance."
Like most, I'd guess, I had her pegged as either a lush with questionable morals or possibly a date-drug victim.
Great diversion! I did NOT see the "you are her father" grenade about to explode!
Amanda's been nursing desertion issues for a long time...
By your actions (gentlemanly) with Ashley, it's clear you had no idea you'd left her to raise a child alone...
Digging deeper, I wondered if Ashley had been fed a bill of goods about her never do well absentee father and thus was willing to entrap you...
Sadly, I've known that to be true...
Enough regret and epiphany to go around!
I like where you left the ending, Ric.
I'll mentally pencil in dad and daughter getting to know one another...
(That green-eyed gal deserves to know life throws us curve balls!)
Happy Holidays!
Karenina
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much, Karenina, my dear, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. I'm so glad you like the story. Luckily this is fiction, far as I'm concerned. My favorite part of the whole story is that I shared the events of this character's life without even giving him a name. Similar situation happen all the time, and sadly, they aren't good for anyone. Happy Holidays to you! I appreciate YOU always!
Comment from DeboraDyess
I was worried about you there for a minute, Ric! What a jam... Is this true?
Those lessons are tough...
I enjoyed the read although I gotta admit that Ashley's proposition made my jaw drop! Wow... That was something! lol
Blessings and thanks again for the read, Oh! And Merry Christmas!
Deb
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
|
I was worried about you there for a minute, Ric! What a jam... Is this true?
Those lessons are tough...
I enjoyed the read although I gotta admit that Ashley's proposition made my jaw drop! Wow... That was something! lol
Blessings and thanks again for the read, Oh! And Merry Christmas!
Deb
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thank you so much, Deb, for your generous review and kind words. NO Ma'am, this is not true, or at least where I'm concerned. It's fiction, made up to smack readers in the face with a wet mop of reality. Yes, my dear, that line was even hard for me to write. Way outside my comfort zone.
Comment from lancellot
I was hesitant to review this one. I read it twice, went away, then came back. It is a fictional story, and I will say, one that seems written for the FanStory demographic, but it has many glaring holes in the story and plot. And I don't know if you want to know how one odd man out sees it.
My review is not personal and is written as if the post was written for a general audience. I know it will be different than most. Feel free to skip it or tell not to review again. I do understand what FanStory is, for many members.
notes
"I'd take my chances for one night with this princess. We could get healed together.["]
-add
And I said, "Are you okay."
-And I said, "Are you okay?"
"Who are you?" She asked.
-"Who are you?" she asked.
"Well, you hadn't before you came up and told me you'd like to sleep with me." Then, almost in a frenzy, she grabbed at the armrest and tried to get away.
-Should be separated-
"Well, you hadn't before you came up and told me you'd like to sleep with me."
Then, almost in a frenzy, she grabbed at the armrest and tried to get away.
- Also, what normal dude would say this? Why? Especially when he has no desire to have sex with her. So why even speak? There should be logical reasons for a character's actions, beyond just so the story can happen.
"Calm down. I won't hurt you. From the way you're acting, it's hard to believe you're the same girl who approached me with your vulgar proposition."
- Before this guy sounded like a boy scout, but now it's unbelievable. I know the FS ladies will like it, but it goes beyond what a man would do or say.
Arms handcuffed behind my back, the sleuths marched me through the bar of tantalizing gawkers, and outside to an awaiting paddy wagon.
-Umm, aren't we missing an actual crime. And how does three 'detectives' do not notice how drunk she is, or did she 'magically sober up in seconds?)
But an hour later--Amanda Warren bailed me out--all charges dropped.
-Wow, that was fast and how? For bail, wouldn't he need to see a judge? What were his charges anyway?
Released, I wasted no time heading straight back to the bar-- searching for observers to corroborate my story--eyewitnesses of what truthfully happened.
-Why? He was released in hours with no charges. A normal person would thank their lucky stars and go home, or as far away from that bar as possible.
"I'm assuming this happened after I was arrested. So, is Ashley okay now?" Amanda kept nodding yes.
-What? No anger. No cursing. No threats to sue and get her and the cops fired? Is this guy not human?
Plus, how did Amanda know he would come back to that bar? How did she know he would even stand around and speak to her daughter, and not leave the drunken woman there? Her plan relied on random circumstances that risks her job and the other cops. What? And why is he so even toned about what he'd been put through. And has no man ever dumped Amanda before?
Do you see the holes?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
 |
I was hesitant to review this one. I read it twice, went away, then came back. It is a fictional story, and I will say, one that seems written for the FanStory demographic, but it has many glaring holes in the story and plot. And I don't know if you want to know how one odd man out sees it.
My review is not personal and is written as if the post was written for a general audience. I know it will be different than most. Feel free to skip it or tell not to review again. I do understand what FanStory is, for many members.
notes
"I'd take my chances for one night with this princess. We could get healed together.["]
-add
And I said, "Are you okay."
-And I said, "Are you okay?"
"Who are you?" She asked.
-"Who are you?" she asked.
"Well, you hadn't before you came up and told me you'd like to sleep with me." Then, almost in a frenzy, she grabbed at the armrest and tried to get away.
-Should be separated-
"Well, you hadn't before you came up and told me you'd like to sleep with me."
Then, almost in a frenzy, she grabbed at the armrest and tried to get away.
- Also, what normal dude would say this? Why? Especially when he has no desire to have sex with her. So why even speak? There should be logical reasons for a character's actions, beyond just so the story can happen.
"Calm down. I won't hurt you. From the way you're acting, it's hard to believe you're the same girl who approached me with your vulgar proposition."
- Before this guy sounded like a boy scout, but now it's unbelievable. I know the FS ladies will like it, but it goes beyond what a man would do or say.
Arms handcuffed behind my back, the sleuths marched me through the bar of tantalizing gawkers, and outside to an awaiting paddy wagon.
-Umm, aren't we missing an actual crime. And how does three 'detectives' do not notice how drunk she is, or did she 'magically sober up in seconds?)
But an hour later--Amanda Warren bailed me out--all charges dropped.
-Wow, that was fast and how? For bail, wouldn't he need to see a judge? What were his charges anyway?
Released, I wasted no time heading straight back to the bar-- searching for observers to corroborate my story--eyewitnesses of what truthfully happened.
-Why? He was released in hours with no charges. A normal person would thank their lucky stars and go home, or as far away from that bar as possible.
"I'm assuming this happened after I was arrested. So, is Ashley okay now?" Amanda kept nodding yes.
-What? No anger. No cursing. No threats to sue and get her and the cops fired? Is this guy not human?
Plus, how did Amanda know he would come back to that bar? How did she know he would even stand around and speak to her daughter, and not leave the drunken woman there? Her plan relied on random circumstances that risks her job and the other cops. What? And why is he so even toned about what he'd been put through. And has no man ever dumped Amanda before?
Do you see the holes?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
-
Thanks for all the time you put in on all your comments and suggestions. I certainly appreciate you pointing out all my stupid, careless blunders like not capitalizing, closing speech lines, and separating that line improves the flow a bunch. But the rest of your suggestions seem to be strictly your opinions on what a character should have done, and how the situations should have shaken out, according to how you would have handled things, or someone else should or would have. This is a fictional story. But the real life situation acted out almost verbatim to what happened, and how the characters handled themselves and what they said. Not everyone handles a situation the same way. And not everyone goes off and gets nasty in all cases. If you'd paid closer attention to the story you would have noticed that the girl was taken to the emergency room, since she was having a reaction to her meds and alcohol mixed together, after having only two drinks. I could answer most of your questions, but I won't. And please, don't think I don't appreciate everything you've shared and brought to my attention. It tells me a lot about you and how you handle things. But I can assure you that not everyone does everything according to how any one person feels they should. It did help speed up the release that the judge was the woman's father-in-law. But I didn't want to make the story longer just to point that out. I mean, it's just a story. Thanks again for all your time! Of course, I'm curious that in all these years this makes about the third time you've read one of my posts; and since you hated the first two, and let me know it then, I'm surprised you would come back to be tortured more. Thanks again, and I hope my reaction was as it should have been.
-
Not tortured, not hate. I simply read and reviewed fictional post that came up in the portal. I have nothing against you or anyone one else, nor do I count how many times I review members. I saw strange coincidences, plot holes, and as you pointed out, elements to the story that were omitted (for time and space) but, a reader would not know this. You are correct people react differently, but in story, this should be explained in a character's actions, right? When a character is falsely accused, jailed, and manipulated, wouldn't a reader naturally assume that character would at least display some level of human anger, resentment? If not, wouldn't that be explained? I was only pointed out, from my review, that he does not seem to be balanced in characteristic. I may be wrong, but do you really think he behaves normally?
In the story presented. There really was no reason for him to return to the club, right? Really, the explanation given, made no sense, if the charges were dropped, right? And how would the mother know he would return, right? And what was even charged with? We were never told, right? Or how was he charged, when the girl never accused him of a crime, right?
All I meant was to tell a writer of the missing elements is a fictional story.
No harm meant, but I understand and will not bother you anymore. You have a great Holiday.