Love Honor and a Mail Order Bride
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Laughter Before the Storm"Indian girl vies for the heart of a homesteader
8 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I liked reading this chapter. It read very easily.
Little fixes include:
As Luke entered the cabin, his nose met the smell of oven baked cinnamon buns.
I would put a hyphen between oven and baked.
"Had I missed all the laughter?"
I would say: "Have I missed all the laughter?"
His mind was in a vice over exactly what to say to Ayanna. She must have assumed we were married.
Change vice to vise
Change 'She must have assumed we were married' to 'She must have assumed they were married.' Unless you want it to be like Luke's inward thoughts, in which case you would italicize it.
Luke reached for biscuit,
put article 'a' in front of biscuit
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
  |
I liked reading this chapter. It read very easily.
Little fixes include:
As Luke entered the cabin, his nose met the smell of oven baked cinnamon buns.
I would put a hyphen between oven and baked.
"Had I missed all the laughter?"
I would say: "Have I missed all the laughter?"
His mind was in a vice over exactly what to say to Ayanna. She must have assumed we were married.
Change vice to vise
Change 'She must have assumed we were married' to 'She must have assumed they were married.' Unless you want it to be like Luke's inward thoughts, in which case you would italicize it.
Luke reached for biscuit,
put article 'a' in front of biscuit
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
-
Thanks so much Crystie. I will fix it.
Comment from Sally Law
This is a great chapter, my friend. I wish you wrote more often. No problems that I could detect but maybe adding Beth to Anna, Anna Beth. That will distinguish her from Ayanna a little better. Luke's obviously in love with Ayanna though and has a difficult decision to make. Staying tuned. Sending along my very best to you and yours.
Sal :))
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
 |
This is a great chapter, my friend. I wish you wrote more often. No problems that I could detect but maybe adding Beth to Anna, Anna Beth. That will distinguish her from Ayanna a little better. Luke's obviously in love with Ayanna though and has a difficult decision to make. Staying tuned. Sending along my very best to you and yours.
Sal :))
Comment Written 02-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
-
I like that! Anna Beth it is....
Comment from royowen
I'm sure you will work it out Stan, you've seemingly painted yourself into a corner, but with two female believers the plot seems a little.more moral, perhaps another good man, besides Ruth, this is beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
|
I'm sure you will work it out Stan, you've seemingly painted yourself into a corner, but with two female believers the plot seems a little.more moral, perhaps another good man, besides Ruth, this is beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 01-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
-
Thanks so much!
-
Welcome
Comment from patcelaw
This is very well written and I enjoyed very much listening to it. It flows very well and it is read aloud your sentence structure your paragraph and your punctuation all lend itself to being a very good read. Patricia.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
|
This is very well written and I enjoyed very much listening to it. It flows very well and it is read aloud your sentence structure your paragraph and your punctuation all lend itself to being a very good read. Patricia.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
-
Thanks so much!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Luke needs to do some serious talking with the Lord to solve this problem. Thank you for sharing this addition with us. I enjoyed reading.
Anna darted toward the table where everyone sat down. (You can omit 'down'. It's not needed.)
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
|
Luke needs to do some serious talking with the Lord to solve this problem. Thank you for sharing this addition with us. I enjoyed reading.
Anna darted toward the table where everyone sat down. (You can omit 'down'. It's not needed.)
Comment Written 01-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
-
Thanks! Will do.
Comment from Begin Again
"Were not savages. (We're)
The people town would (in)
Luke reached for biscuit, (a)
There are a few others but with a proof reading you can make those little changes. The story is a good one and I enjoyed it. Good luck with it.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
|
"Were not savages. (We're)
The people town would (in)
Luke reached for biscuit, (a)
There are a few others but with a proof reading you can make those little changes. The story is a good one and I enjoyed it. Good luck with it.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 01-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
-
Thanks!
Comment from lyenochka
What a great homecoming. Ayanna is going to make Luke return to his Christian upbringing. Seems like she has more faith than he has. Great prayer! And now - hopefully, Luke will be true to his convictions and be at peace with his real love for Ayanna, not Ruth.
I noticed you changed the spelling of Ayanna's name.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
|
What a great homecoming. Ayanna is going to make Luke return to his Christian upbringing. Seems like she has more faith than he has. Great prayer! And now - hopefully, Luke will be true to his convictions and be at peace with his real love for Ayanna, not Ruth.
I noticed you changed the spelling of Ayanna's name.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2024
-
Yes, I'm in a fog about my names lately. Someone did suggest to call Ruth's child Anna Beth, so the names don't sound alike. Thanks!
-
If I recall correctly, I thought you had spelled her name as Aiyana before. It's all up to you. Your editor would clean that up.
-
Yes, true. You have an excellent memory. My names have been, it seems, in a state of flux.
Comment from lancellot
It's a good chapter. I would suggest going through it again with a focus on comma placement. I think it is missing some, which changes the meaning of a sentence.
notes:Â
picture of his mail order bride. Ayanna led the mother and daughter
- I suggest separating into two paragraphs here for change of POV.
-picture of his mail order bride.
Ayanna led the mother and daughter
"You've turned this place into a home filled cooking and laughter."
-"You've turned this place into a home filled [with] cooking and laughter." (Not sure if this needs correcting or it's just the way he speaks.)
She must have assumed we were married.
-Is this Luke's thoughts or the narrator?
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2024
|
It's a good chapter. I would suggest going through it again with a focus on comma placement. I think it is missing some, which changes the meaning of a sentence.
notes:Â
picture of his mail order bride. Ayanna led the mother and daughter
- I suggest separating into two paragraphs here for change of POV.
-picture of his mail order bride.
Ayanna led the mother and daughter
"You've turned this place into a home filled cooking and laughter."
-"You've turned this place into a home filled [with] cooking and laughter." (Not sure if this needs correcting or it's just the way he speaks.)
She must have assumed we were married.
-Is this Luke's thoughts or the narrator?
Comment Written 01-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2024
-
Yes, I should have caught the 'we' for sure. Always appreciate editing help. It's supposed to be 3rd person past.
-
Yes, I should have caught the 'we' for sure. Always appreciate editing help. It's supposed to be 3rd person past.
