The Girl From Cootabangla
Rhyming Story Poem18 total reviews
Comment from nancyjam
This was such a treat to read. Entertaining scenes and situations told with excellent rhyme and meter. I love the ending. He was very clever betting with his friends when he knew he'd win.
Congrats on your 2nd place but I think it should have been first!
Nancy
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2024
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This was such a treat to read. Entertaining scenes and situations told with excellent rhyme and meter. I love the ending. He was very clever betting with his friends when he knew he'd win.
Congrats on your 2nd place but I think it should have been first!
Nancy
Comment Written 18-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2024
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And thanks again. You've used two of your precious sixers on me and I appreciate it! I had a lot of fun with this one. Glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Stevem
This is a well told story with a twist at the end. I like how the only romantic one is also the wiliest one. He knew he would get the kiss before he and his friends made the bet. I like the artwork. She is pretty. She kind of reminds me of the girl from the Disney movie 'Brave'.
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Joan
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
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Hi Stevem
This is a well told story with a twist at the end. I like how the only romantic one is also the wiliest one. He knew he would get the kiss before he and his friends made the bet. I like the artwork. She is pretty. She kind of reminds me of the girl from the Disney movie 'Brave'.
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Joan
Comment Written 17-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
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Joan, thanks for the kind words and for persevering to the end. It took quite some time to get that ending right without spoiling the surprise.
Steve
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You're very welcome. You figured out a good way to keep the surprise.
Joan
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Steve,
A fine entry for the "Rhyming Poetry" contest! I enjoyed it. You did a great job creating these characters. But Milly Brown was a tough nut. I'd stay clear of her if I had been there that day. She doesn't seem nearly dainty enough for me. Her sighs would be more like growls!
Just wondering about this verse, that you rhymed "geezers" with "geezers". I tossed it around in my pointed head, and wonder what you think of this slight change,
"Now some folks think a boardinghouse has a kind of clientele
That's best described as doddery old geezers.
It's fair to say that some are old and even quite unwell.
They are dowagers or whisky-sipping sneezers."
"He was charming, he was handsome, with his flowing golden locks
And he'd kissed a good few lassies in his time." ... (just wondering if this should be,
He was charming, he was handsome, with his flowing golden locks
And he'd kissed a few good lassies in his time.)
"Chares Atlas - an American bodybuilder best remembered as the developer of a bodybuilding method and its associated exercise program which spawned a landmark advertising campaign featuring his name and likeness." ... (Charles Atlas)
Good Luck in the contest! ABCB is an easy write, but there's a lot more work to ABAB.
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Hi Steve,
A fine entry for the "Rhyming Poetry" contest! I enjoyed it. You did a great job creating these characters. But Milly Brown was a tough nut. I'd stay clear of her if I had been there that day. She doesn't seem nearly dainty enough for me. Her sighs would be more like growls!
Just wondering about this verse, that you rhymed "geezers" with "geezers". I tossed it around in my pointed head, and wonder what you think of this slight change,
"Now some folks think a boardinghouse has a kind of clientele
That's best described as doddery old geezers.
It's fair to say that some are old and even quite unwell.
They are dowagers or whisky-sipping sneezers."
"He was charming, he was handsome, with his flowing golden locks
And he'd kissed a good few lassies in his time." ... (just wondering if this should be,
He was charming, he was handsome, with his flowing golden locks
And he'd kissed a few good lassies in his time.)
"Chares Atlas - an American bodybuilder best remembered as the developer of a bodybuilding method and its associated exercise program which spawned a landmark advertising campaign featuring his name and likeness." ... (Charles Atlas)
Good Luck in the contest! ABCB is an easy write, but there's a lot more work to ABAB.
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 15-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Wow! Kimbob, thanks for the sharp eye. i guess the moral is proofread and then proofread again and again! In truth I only just got this posted in time for the deadline... My handwritten copy says 'whiskery old wheezers' but my tired brain obviously typed in a second 'geezers.'
I'm keeping 'good few lassies' (focusing on the number he'd kissed) rather than 'few good' which changes the focus to the quality of the lassies.
Thanks for the positive review as well and the extra star - much appreciated.
Steve
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I wish I had a sixth star but no such luck. I am not much of a poet, but I really liked this poem. I don't know the song about the Man from Snowy River, but my husband was devoted to the tv show and watched it more than once. This poem gave me many giggles and I loved the ending. I wish all the poems on her were as easy to understand.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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I wish I had a sixth star but no such luck. I am not much of a poet, but I really liked this poem. I don't know the song about the Man from Snowy River, but my husband was devoted to the tv show and watched it more than once. This poem gave me many giggles and I loved the ending. I wish all the poems on her were as easy to understand.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Carol, many thanks for the kind words and the virtual Six.
I'd forgotten about the TV series - did you know there were also THREE full length movies based on the poem, all of them stretching things out with lots of extra detail (like a love story) to the original basic tale. They even got Kirk Douglas to star in one movie. Not sure if he managed to pull off the Australian accent!
Steve
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Exceptional entry for the. Rhyming Poetry Contest. I love the imagery in your poem. Excellent rhyming that doesn't sound forced and flows nicely. Good luck.
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason" -- Novalis
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Exceptional entry for the. Rhyming Poetry Contest. I love the imagery in your poem. Excellent rhyming that doesn't sound forced and flows nicely. Good luck.
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason" -- Novalis
Comment Written 15-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Thanks, Gypsy.
There's a bit of a trick to writing lengthy narrative pieces so that the rhyming and meter doesn't start to get a bit sing-songy. Hopefully I managed to avoid that here.
Steve
Comment from visionary1234
OMG I sputtered on my glass of wine!!! Steve, this is hysterical!! Of course I know 'The Man from Snowy River' and that unmistakable rhyme & rhythm!!! You're channeling Banjo, my Kiwi friend!! Brilliantly done!!!!
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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OMG I sputtered on my glass of wine!!! Steve, this is hysterical!! Of course I know 'The Man from Snowy River' and that unmistakable rhyme & rhythm!!! You're channeling Banjo, my Kiwi friend!! Brilliantly done!!!!
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 15-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Thanks so much, Sharyn and good to hear from you!
I have had one other Australian reviewer castigate me for vandalising the bard, or some such. I think I replied that if he wasn't such an outstanding icon of Aussie culture people wouldn't take advantage of him like this and pointed out that I have also vandalised Poe, Frost, Barrett-Browning and Shakespeare!
I do love Banjo and his Canadian almost counterpart Robert Service. I believe Snowy was the first poem I learnt by heart when I was about 10. That rhythm is more complex than it first appears - I remember getting thoroughly confused when I tried to analyse it a few years ago so I think I just use my ear now to determine if it sounds right!
I presume you are happy with Kamala's ascendancy and Donny's spiral. It's certainly lifted the mood in our household.
Steve
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I'm AM over the moon with Kamala's ascendancy, believe me! I was researching Aussie passports for my husband & son. If Trump won, it would be the death knell for this country - and it's already very close!
It's such a fun meter! I wrote one ages ago in anapestic tetrameter here ... "Gertrude Goes Trekking to Nepal" - great fun to write!
I'm not on FS much - haven't been for a while. The religious zealots rather turn me off, I'm afraid. AND I'm really busy with the bnb & improv groupie stuff!
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I am both entertained and encouraged by the antics and enthusiasm at the DNC. I was home all day today and in between nursing a sick wife (flu) got to watch quite a few speeches. The Obamas were excellent as was Kamala's husband Doug Emhoff. Seems like a lovely guy and of course she has another one of those as her VP pick.
I found your Gertrude poem - very cute. I liked avada-pois...
Funny hing, I checked out the contest - which was set by Phyllis Stewart and the description said :I first found this lovely meter in a poem by Kiwisteveh in a poem called Grampus Saves the World.
Funnier still, that poem was based on what I remembered of a poem I wrote when I was at school for the school magazine and that in turn was prompted by a few lines of a poem I'd heard my father quoting. Who knows where he'd got it from or whether he'd made it up himself. I have googled the first couple of lines but nothing comes up!
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;):):) Banjo must be in our DNA!
Comment from jake cosmos aller
a great tribute poem to a great classic poem loved the references and these lines
Like Caesar or Napoleon, I left the shop that day,
Adoring crowds applauded as I did.
With Lily Brown beside me I traversed the crowded way
And collected from my friends the ninety quid.
For I had a certain secret that now can be revealed,
I was Cootabangla born and loved that town.
It was there I made a living as a gambler, wheeled and dealed,
With my partner and my lover, Milly Brown.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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a great tribute poem to a great classic poem loved the references and these lines
Like Caesar or Napoleon, I left the shop that day,
Adoring crowds applauded as I did.
With Lily Brown beside me I traversed the crowded way
And collected from my friends the ninety quid.
For I had a certain secret that now can be revealed,
I was Cootabangla born and loved that town.
It was there I made a living as a gambler, wheeled and dealed,
With my partner and my lover, Milly Brown.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Many thanks, Jake.
Those last two verses probably took longer to get just right than all of the rest of the poem put together - how to reveal the con without giving all away too soon.
Steve
Comment from Aussie
It's not often I criticize writing. The Man From Snowy River is precious to us. Sorry, didn't like what you used the idea for. You are a good writer and could have written your own version of the redhead. K.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2024
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It's not often I criticize writing. The Man From Snowy River is precious to us. Sorry, didn't like what you used the idea for. You are a good writer and could have written your own version of the redhead. K.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2024
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Hi, Aussie. Sorry you didn't like my treatment of Banjo's great poem. It has long been one of my favourites and it was the first piece I learnt by heart when I was about ten years old.
It's precisely because it is such an icon of Australian culture that it is open to imitation, allusion frequent humorous reference by other writers and commentators.
You should see what I've done to the poems of Robert Frost, Edgar Allen Poe and Elizabeth barrett browning, not to mention a few irreverent jibes at the great William Shakespeare!
Have a great day!
Steve
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Not necessary to attack icon writers. Use your own writing to create characters. I grew up with Banjo.
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What attack exactly?
I believe most writers would take it as a compliment to have their writing so recognised that others allude to it in their work. I know I would be.
Steve
Comment from SimianSavant
The man from snowy river! Now that is a film I have not heard of in a long time. But my family loves that film, and we used to watch it and its sequel in the early 90s.
Steve, this is beautifully written. The way you have metered it, it could be turned into a ballad. A long one, and probably a bit repetitive without a chorus, but a ballad nonetheless and one that folks might listen to because it has a great premise, hook and conclusion (the end kind of reminds me of the ending of Brer Rabbit and the tar baby, a title long ago censored out of Disney literature).
Anyway, if as it appears this draws from a rich tradition of Australian folklore, I would encourage you to work with a ballad writer to do exactly that. I could attempt it myself but I am a bit busy with music projects at the moment and the musical style of such a song ought be as authentic as possible to your text and local style to do it justice. And although I had a top Australian choral conductor in college, I do not know anything about Australian music.
Thanks for the read. Well, technically, Siri read it to me as I am driving across the country at the moment.
🦍
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2024
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The man from snowy river! Now that is a film I have not heard of in a long time. But my family loves that film, and we used to watch it and its sequel in the early 90s.
Steve, this is beautifully written. The way you have metered it, it could be turned into a ballad. A long one, and probably a bit repetitive without a chorus, but a ballad nonetheless and one that folks might listen to because it has a great premise, hook and conclusion (the end kind of reminds me of the ending of Brer Rabbit and the tar baby, a title long ago censored out of Disney literature).
Anyway, if as it appears this draws from a rich tradition of Australian folklore, I would encourage you to work with a ballad writer to do exactly that. I could attempt it myself but I am a bit busy with music projects at the moment and the musical style of such a song ought be as authentic as possible to your text and local style to do it justice. And although I had a top Australian choral conductor in college, I do not know anything about Australian music.
Thanks for the read. Well, technically, Siri read it to me as I am driving across the country at the moment.
🦍
Comment Written 13-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2024
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Ha! I'd be interested to hear how Siri made it sound!
You jumped straight to the movies which made quite a mockery of the original tale as spun by Banjo Paterson around the turn of the 20th Century. No females in that, I can assure you. Even the horse that got away was a boy! My memory of the movie insists Kirk Douglas was in it?
I think that was the first poem I ever attempted to learn by heart and probably set in motion a love of narrative poems which remains to this day.
Make a song out of it? Not likely - I have no talent in that direction, but I will take it as a compliment to my rhythm/meter which of course was borrowed from Paterson, but still not easy to replicate successfully. You'd think songs based on poems would be more popular. The one that springs to mind is Johnny Cash's wonderful rendition of Shel Silverstein's Boy Named Sue.
Anyway, thanks for the kind words and the extra star. So far not too many reviewers have tackled this piece. Too long for them perhaps.
Steve
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I really enjoyed reading this contest entry, story in a poem. It was extremely smooth reading. The rhyming scheme is excellent and not forced. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2024
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I really enjoyed reading this contest entry, story in a poem. It was extremely smooth reading. The rhyming scheme is excellent and not forced. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2024
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Thank you, barbara. I had fun creating this piece of silliness.
Steve