The Jitters
Tension builds while waiting to audition for HS band7 total reviews
Comment from LJbutterfly
I absolutely love this story, because I can relate. I've written a story about auditioning for an all-city high school choir. I just haven't yet posted it. This story is well written with succinct language and adequate dialogue. In a few words, you present the challenge and satisfying resolution. Well done. and enjoyable.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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I absolutely love this story, because I can relate. I've written a story about auditioning for an all-city high school choir. I just haven't yet posted it. This story is well written with succinct language and adequate dialogue. In a few words, you present the challenge and satisfying resolution. Well done. and enjoyable.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Thank you so much! I hope you post your story. I would love to read it!
Comment from Rachelle Allen
This was excellent. I really enjoyed experiencing this standout victory with you. (Congratulations on that COUP, btw!! That's a hugely big deal!)
Here's a couple ideas I had for it:
In the first paragraph, we could use more information about this trash-talker kid!
"Why don't you just go back to middle school where you belong? I'm going to crush you." His name was David, and no bigger peacock existed among the high school trumpet players. He even wore studded cowboy boots to further emphasize that - in his opinion, anyway - he was DA MAN!!
Then I'd add just this little bit to show that you're no lay-down, but you're also no braggert like he is:
"We will see about that," was all I said as I grabbed my trumpet case...
Now, since it's all about the audition, I wouldn't just slough over that part with a memory. I would take your readers right into the moment with you and Mr. Csolak. Some self-doubt occurs for you maybe, maybe, fresh off the taunt from Cowboy Boots. But then you started playing, and that musician's-love-for-it takes over and fills you up and makes you play as if no one's watching and you're just playing for the joy, the same way you do when you're home and practicing in your bedroom, perhaps? Something that indicates what makes you the standout without beating your own chest. The way you presented it, it was too humble and made us feel as if it was just some little fluke that you made second chair. You need to make us nod and say, "Ahhhh! She's got what it takes."
Finally, at the end, I would have you play a C scale as you pass David and his cowboy boots having a meltdown outside Mr. Csolak's office door and then really REALLY nail that high C as you get to the end of the hall and head out the door. (Because, Lori, it was your talent - not karma - that gave Cowboy Boots his due.)
BUT - it is a wonderful read already. Even if you did nothing to it, it's still a totally enjoyable piece.
Good luck to you!!
xoxox
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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This was excellent. I really enjoyed experiencing this standout victory with you. (Congratulations on that COUP, btw!! That's a hugely big deal!)
Here's a couple ideas I had for it:
In the first paragraph, we could use more information about this trash-talker kid!
"Why don't you just go back to middle school where you belong? I'm going to crush you." His name was David, and no bigger peacock existed among the high school trumpet players. He even wore studded cowboy boots to further emphasize that - in his opinion, anyway - he was DA MAN!!
Then I'd add just this little bit to show that you're no lay-down, but you're also no braggert like he is:
"We will see about that," was all I said as I grabbed my trumpet case...
Now, since it's all about the audition, I wouldn't just slough over that part with a memory. I would take your readers right into the moment with you and Mr. Csolak. Some self-doubt occurs for you maybe, maybe, fresh off the taunt from Cowboy Boots. But then you started playing, and that musician's-love-for-it takes over and fills you up and makes you play as if no one's watching and you're just playing for the joy, the same way you do when you're home and practicing in your bedroom, perhaps? Something that indicates what makes you the standout without beating your own chest. The way you presented it, it was too humble and made us feel as if it was just some little fluke that you made second chair. You need to make us nod and say, "Ahhhh! She's got what it takes."
Finally, at the end, I would have you play a C scale as you pass David and his cowboy boots having a meltdown outside Mr. Csolak's office door and then really REALLY nail that high C as you get to the end of the hall and head out the door. (Because, Lori, it was your talent - not karma - that gave Cowboy Boots his due.)
BUT - it is a wonderful read already. Even if you did nothing to it, it's still a totally enjoyable piece.
Good luck to you!!
xoxox
Comment Written 30-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Thanks, again Rachelle for taking the time to review and recommend some very wise revisions. I really appreciate all that you do!
Lori
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It's my pleasure! I enjoy your work very much. Xo
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Likewise. 😉👍
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Congratulations on getting 2nd chair, and LOL that David had 5th chair. It must have been sweet music to see that result and hear David shouting there was something wrong! That was brilliant. I really enjoyed your story, and I personally think you will do well when you submit it. Well done!! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Congratulations on getting 2nd chair, and LOL that David had 5th chair. It must have been sweet music to see that result and hear David shouting there was something wrong! That was brilliant. I really enjoyed your story, and I personally think you will do well when you submit it. Well done!! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 30-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Thank you and as always it is nice to hear from you! I look forward to your next read!
Comment from Neonewman
You had me right out of the gate with conflict. Karma certainly has a way of nipping one in the butt.
Suggestions:
"We will see about that," Comma should be a period and the next line maybe remove the as and start with I.
Some of your sentences run a little long. Maybe add a period to shorten the length, or remove unnecessary words.
You have a great talent and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
God bless,
Steve
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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You had me right out of the gate with conflict. Karma certainly has a way of nipping one in the butt.
Suggestions:
"We will see about that," Comma should be a period and the next line maybe remove the as and start with I.
Some of your sentences run a little long. Maybe add a period to shorten the length, or remove unnecessary words.
You have a great talent and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
God bless,
Steve
Comment Written 30-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Thanks, Steve! You make great recommendations! I will incorporate. Appreciate time and attention. Lori
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My pleasure, Lori.
Comment from Faith Williams
Great job opening with the conflict. It is a great hook and draws the reader into the story. Loved the sentence about 'virtual drum roll'. Also, the one about cartwheels--great way to show your feelings. And the ending made me chuckle.
Suggestions to consider:
"We will see about that," as I grabbed my trumpet case and tucked the sheet music under my arm and walked around until I found a new place to settle down.' I think you could put a period after the dialogue and delete the 'as'. "We will see about that." I grabbed...
Also, that second sentence is a bit long. Maybe split it into two or rework it?
'Unlocking the case revealed my shiny Bach trumpet that my parents got for me (on a special trip to NYC) after a standing ovation at my first grade recital.' Since you mention New York twice in this paragraph, I suggest deleting this part of this sentence so you're not repeating yourself.
'I was about to retort, when (all of a sudden) Mr. Csolak emerged from his office.' I don't think the adverb adds anything to your sentence, so I suggest deleting it.
I think you did a great job with the parameters given to you. Good luck with your course!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Great job opening with the conflict. It is a great hook and draws the reader into the story. Loved the sentence about 'virtual drum roll'. Also, the one about cartwheels--great way to show your feelings. And the ending made me chuckle.
Suggestions to consider:
"We will see about that," as I grabbed my trumpet case and tucked the sheet music under my arm and walked around until I found a new place to settle down.' I think you could put a period after the dialogue and delete the 'as'. "We will see about that." I grabbed...
Also, that second sentence is a bit long. Maybe split it into two or rework it?
'Unlocking the case revealed my shiny Bach trumpet that my parents got for me (on a special trip to NYC) after a standing ovation at my first grade recital.' Since you mention New York twice in this paragraph, I suggest deleting this part of this sentence so you're not repeating yourself.
'I was about to retort, when (all of a sudden) Mr. Csolak emerged from his office.' I don't think the adverb adds anything to your sentence, so I suggest deleting it.
I think you did a great job with the parameters given to you. Good luck with your course!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2024
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Thank you! These are such great suggestions! I will incorporate. Thanks for the time and attention!
Comment from Mintybee
I think you did well with the assignment. As far as I can tell, you met all the requirements. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe mentioning your name again before the list goes up. I missed the one time it was used in the internal dialogue and so the reveal didn't work for me. Of course, your teacher will be paying better attention and knows you, so that probably won't happen when you're being graded. I thought the pacing was good and the character was written to be likeable and the plot was relatable. The story had a good emotional payoff.
Mintybee
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I think you did well with the assignment. As far as I can tell, you met all the requirements. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe mentioning your name again before the list goes up. I missed the one time it was used in the internal dialogue and so the reveal didn't work for me. Of course, your teacher will be paying better attention and knows you, so that probably won't happen when you're being graded. I thought the pacing was good and the character was written to be likeable and the plot was relatable. The story had a good emotional payoff.
Mintybee
Comment Written 30-Jul-2024
Comment from Lindsey Russell
I think this is a wonderful piece. I love that you can share an experience in your life so openly. I guess I'm too private a person. Lol! I did find something. Here: Lori, stay focus. I think you meant focused? Good luck with your assignment. Happy writing!
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I think this is a wonderful piece. I love that you can share an experience in your life so openly. I guess I'm too private a person. Lol! I did find something. Here: Lori, stay focus. I think you meant focused? Good luck with your assignment. Happy writing!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2024
