The Last Words of Dad
Phil says his final words.5 total reviews
Comment from F. William Lester
Tough story. We all must envision this happening to us at some time and prepare. But to describe it is indeed difficult. Good job. I have a couple of comments. Overall, the story had a very distant feel to it. For such an impending tragedy, the feeling isn't warm. Yes, he is dying, but there needs to be more tension and intimacy. Body language and the use of the senses in your descriptions would help dramatically. I thought his language was too spot on for someone about to die. Introduce some regret or fear or something to show his inner thoughts and feelings. This is flash fiction, so you need to use concise, strong phrasing and verbs to imply what is happening. Lastly, in the last paragraph you have a conflict in tense. You're writing in the present tense, but you use two verbs in the past tense (took and read). Nice work. Good luck in the contest. Stay well.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2024
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Tough story. We all must envision this happening to us at some time and prepare. But to describe it is indeed difficult. Good job. I have a couple of comments. Overall, the story had a very distant feel to it. For such an impending tragedy, the feeling isn't warm. Yes, he is dying, but there needs to be more tension and intimacy. Body language and the use of the senses in your descriptions would help dramatically. I thought his language was too spot on for someone about to die. Introduce some regret or fear or something to show his inner thoughts and feelings. This is flash fiction, so you need to use concise, strong phrasing and verbs to imply what is happening. Lastly, in the last paragraph you have a conflict in tense. You're writing in the present tense, but you use two verbs in the past tense (took and read). Nice work. Good luck in the contest. Stay well.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2024
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Thank you!
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You're very welcome.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
A general end to life story told sae for the final sentence which to me would read better "not understanding" his last will and testimony since he left everything to Goodwill or something other than the kids..
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2024
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A general end to life story told sae for the final sentence which to me would read better "not understanding" his last will and testimony since he left everything to Goodwill or something other than the kids..
Comment Written 03-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2024
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Thank you!
Comment from royowen
Dads should always be a part of the nurture, protection and the projection of what it is to be a loving parent, to leave a legacy and an example to his offspring and others, beautifully written, good job, good luck, blessings
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2024
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Dads should always be a part of the nurture, protection and the projection of what it is to be a loving parent, to leave a legacy and an example to his offspring and others, beautifully written, good job, good luck, blessings
Comment Written 03-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2024
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Thank you!
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Most welcome
Comment from Dr. Nad
This is a nice submission for the: "Final Words", contest. It is a tough subject to talk about and an even more difficult experience to go through. This is a time when meaningful words are exchanged. Many of them good, but sadly, hurtful things are brought, up way too often. There are a number of grammatical errors that could be cleaned up by a program such as Grammarly. I have pulled out three that you might want to look at and tweak.
"they have a strong emotional connection to (them). "
"I know (what/ that) you will all miss me (very) much."
" Phil's family read his will ( , ) one person at a time. "
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2024
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This is a nice submission for the: "Final Words", contest. It is a tough subject to talk about and an even more difficult experience to go through. This is a time when meaningful words are exchanged. Many of them good, but sadly, hurtful things are brought, up way too often. There are a number of grammatical errors that could be cleaned up by a program such as Grammarly. I have pulled out three that you might want to look at and tweak.
"they have a strong emotional connection to (them). "
"I know (what/ that) you will all miss me (very) much."
" Phil's family read his will ( , ) one person at a time. "
Comment Written 03-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2024
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Typos fixed. Thank you for your help and review!
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You are most welcome my friend.
Comment from jessizero
This story of "final words" was touching. This made me wish my grandmother had been conscious to say goodbye. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2024
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This story of "final words" was touching. This made me wish my grandmother had been conscious to say goodbye. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2024
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Thank you!