The Interloper
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Downfall Chap 1"a family sage told by the ignored one
10 total reviews
Comment from Steve Foreman
Excellent! This is an emotional, descriptive and evocative piece of writing that starts as an interesting story and then becomes quite gripping. I loved this sentence -"The emergency vehicles arrived like ghosts out of the mist that had red and blue eyes". (I am gonna steal that!).
(Only one slightly negative comment - "The following is Natalie's account of the accident for the inquest into the accident."
But in a couple of places, if this is Natalie's narrative - it jumps from First Person to Second Person:
"We could barely hear the sirens over the thunder. The EMTs put 'them' (if this is Natalie's narrative, it should be 'put us;) both on stretchers for the trip back to town to the hospital."
"Before the ambulance arrived, 'Natalie' saw... (if this is still Natalie's narrative, it should be "I saw") that mom looked like a mosaic of shattered glass and blue silk."
I hope this helps.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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Excellent! This is an emotional, descriptive and evocative piece of writing that starts as an interesting story and then becomes quite gripping. I loved this sentence -"The emergency vehicles arrived like ghosts out of the mist that had red and blue eyes". (I am gonna steal that!).
(Only one slightly negative comment - "The following is Natalie's account of the accident for the inquest into the accident."
But in a couple of places, if this is Natalie's narrative - it jumps from First Person to Second Person:
"We could barely hear the sirens over the thunder. The EMTs put 'them' (if this is Natalie's narrative, it should be 'put us;) both on stretchers for the trip back to town to the hospital."
"Before the ambulance arrived, 'Natalie' saw... (if this is still Natalie's narrative, it should be "I saw") that mom looked like a mosaic of shattered glass and blue silk."
I hope this helps.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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Thanks for the thorough and constructive response. I will make the edits. I I?ve yo permission to use so it won?t be stealing.
Joan
Comment from Begin Again
How sad! When your life is one way and you wish it was another and then...something comes along and nothing can change. The mother missed her city life and all the excitement and bright lights. Country living isn't for everyone. I for one love it!
Death is a difficult thing that changes everyone it touches.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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How sad! When your life is one way and you wish it was another and then...something comes along and nothing can change. The mother missed her city life and all the excitement and bright lights. Country living isn't for everyone. I for one love it!
Death is a difficult thing that changes everyone it touches.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment Written 07-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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Hi Carol,
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this chapter. Glad you like it.
Joan
Comment from Gloria ....
This is my first visit to you novel, so I feel my comments will be only be cursory.
I enjoyed the pacing and the engaging narrative.
I could picture the area, the accident and the death of the mom.
So you get my last six star of the week. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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This is my first visit to you novel, so I feel my comments will be only be cursory.
I enjoyed the pacing and the engaging narrative.
I could picture the area, the accident and the death of the mom.
So you get my last six star of the week. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 06-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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Thanks, Gloria,
I am honored you liked it enough to give it 6 stars.
The whole novel in my portfolio under "The Interloper"
Have a nice day.
Joan
Comment from F. William Lester
Nice lead into your story. You've got a lot of possibilities and good tension. I have some comments I hope will help. In the paragraph beginning, "We were returning from our marketing visit...", Natalie is describing the accident from her POV. However, in the last sentence of that paragraph, you write, "The EMTs put them both on stretchers for the trip back to town to the hospital." You switched POVs in the last sentence from Natalie to the third person narrator whose POV most of the chapter is told. Be consistent with your POV characters. When you got to the point where the mother died, you wrote, "...mom was announced dead..." Change "announced" to "pronounced." As to your last sentence, "She was given medication and orders to stay in bed for the rest of the week." My reaction was, "So what." This was the weakest part of the entire chapter. You need a hook to draw the reader into the next chapter. The first chapter is especially important because it sets the tone of the story and should have some foreshadowing of the conflict and the goal. Otherwise, the reader will put the book down and never return to the story. I enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing it and good luck with your book. Have a wonderful day and stay well.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2024
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Nice lead into your story. You've got a lot of possibilities and good tension. I have some comments I hope will help. In the paragraph beginning, "We were returning from our marketing visit...", Natalie is describing the accident from her POV. However, in the last sentence of that paragraph, you write, "The EMTs put them both on stretchers for the trip back to town to the hospital." You switched POVs in the last sentence from Natalie to the third person narrator whose POV most of the chapter is told. Be consistent with your POV characters. When you got to the point where the mother died, you wrote, "...mom was announced dead..." Change "announced" to "pronounced." As to your last sentence, "She was given medication and orders to stay in bed for the rest of the week." My reaction was, "So what." This was the weakest part of the entire chapter. You need a hook to draw the reader into the next chapter. The first chapter is especially important because it sets the tone of the story and should have some foreshadowing of the conflict and the goal. Otherwise, the reader will put the book down and never return to the story. I enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing it and good luck with your book. Have a wonderful day and stay well.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2024
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Thanks for the thorough coomments
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You're welcome.
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Thanks for the thorough coomments
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This is actually the fourth chapter in the story. The story is broken into three sections You can see the whole story under the title "The Interloper".
Joan
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Thank you.
Comment from GoWiSt
Wow, is this a true/biographical story? I hope not. It was very well narrated and all, but losing one's mother in such a tragic way is a very sad affair. Some people are just city folk, like myself, and have a very hard time adjusting to country/rural living. I know I would have. This was a very interesting tale. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2024
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Wow, is this a true/biographical story? I hope not. It was very well narrated and all, but losing one's mother in such a tragic way is a very sad affair. Some people are just city folk, like myself, and have a very hard time adjusting to country/rural living. I know I would have. This was a very interesting tale. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2024
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Thanks for the nice comments and the high rating.
No this is totally fictional.
I am suburban. I could probably get used to the time schedule of country life since I am a naturally early riser.
Joan
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Thanks for the nice comments and the high rating.
No this is totally fictional.
I am suburban. I could probably get used to the time schedule of country life since I am a naturally early riser.
Joan
Comment from Shanbreen
The story is mostly a narration of a sad incident. Dragonpoet, perhaps, some showing rather than telling would help in making this story not read like an essay. But if that was your intention, you have a wealth of information and I thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2024
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The story is mostly a narration of a sad incident. Dragonpoet, perhaps, some showing rather than telling would help in making this story not read like an essay. But if that was your intention, you have a wealth of information and I thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2024
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Thanks for the constructive criticism, Shanbreen.
Joan
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This was a very sad chapter, but with amazing imagery. Their mother was desperately wishing she could go back home to be with all her friends, and the parties, and then the car accident. The poor family have gone through so much, and it looks as if things will not be getting any better.
I'm really enjoying your story, Joan, I'm glad I have another chapter or two to read. I just noticed those two nits below, otherwise it was perfect. Well done! :)) Sandra xx
...clothes and other good (food?) we needed,
Since the farmhouse wasn't big enough to throw the lavish (parties/balls) my mom
reply by the author on 21-May-2024
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This was a very sad chapter, but with amazing imagery. Their mother was desperately wishing she could go back home to be with all her friends, and the parties, and then the car accident. The poor family have gone through so much, and it looks as if things will not be getting any better.
I'm really enjoying your story, Joan, I'm glad I have another chapter or two to read. I just noticed those two nits below, otherwise it was perfect. Well done! :)) Sandra xx
...clothes and other good (food?) we needed,
Since the farmhouse wasn't big enough to throw the lavish (parties/balls) my mom
Comment Written 21-May-2024
reply by the author on 21-May-2024
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Thanks for the constructive criticism. I am happy you are enjoying the story.
Joan
Comment from Tom Horonzy
I would not have commented on CHap 2 if I had read Chap 1 first but it was the order in which I received them, and Chapter one explained where and how the ferfuffle began. Good luck in your journey.
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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I would not have commented on CHap 2 if I had read Chap 1 first but it was the order in which I received them, and Chapter one explained where and how the ferfuffle began. Good luck in your journey.
Comment Written 19-May-2024
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Thanks for reading both chapters, Tom. I wrote the chapter in the order the ideas came. Sometimes not in correct order. I am now trying to get them into a book format with all the chapters in the correct order. I am not used to writing prose.
Joan.
Comment from LeeAnna
This chapter is great! Your writing shows the challenges the family faced when leaving the city life. I like how you share the the unexpected tragedies that can occur along life's journey. The detailed descriptions of the farmhouse, the farm activities, and the relationships within the family make this feel so real. The way she bravely tried to help her mother in the midst of the chaos was touching! That was so sad!
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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This chapter is great! Your writing shows the challenges the family faced when leaving the city life. I like how you share the the unexpected tragedies that can occur along life's journey. The detailed descriptions of the farmhouse, the farm activities, and the relationships within the family make this feel so real. The way she bravely tried to help her mother in the midst of the chaos was touching! That was so sad!
Comment Written 19-May-2024
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Thanks for reading and reviewing this part of my story. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Joan
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I enjoyed your story. You show the challenges faced by this family so well. The initial move due to the father's health sets the stage for the story. Your descriptions are excellent. I could see the farmhouse and its surroundings. I think you've shared what it is like to live a rural life and the tasks required to maintain a farm. It's unfortunate that this family had so much hardship. But it was an enjoyable story.
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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I enjoyed your story. You show the challenges faced by this family so well. The initial move due to the father's health sets the stage for the story. Your descriptions are excellent. I could see the farmhouse and its surroundings. I think you've shared what it is like to live a rural life and the tasks required to maintain a farm. It's unfortunate that this family had so much hardship. But it was an enjoyable story.
Comment Written 19-May-2024
reply by the author on 19-May-2024
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Thanks, Michael for reading. This actually isn't the first chapter. There are three chapters before this called The Early Years.
Joan