For I had known her
A short story of life, death and addiction.15 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Wow! Merry Christmas and hohoho. This was well written. I have no idea what alcoholism is like , but that sounds real enough to me.And yet, freal life and death superceded even that. Karen
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2024
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Wow! Merry Christmas and hohoho. This was well written. I have no idea what alcoholism is like , but that sounds real enough to me.And yet, freal life and death superceded even that. Karen
Comment Written 31-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2024
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Thanks
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written. It reads like you captured the feelings quite well.
And you offered readers a glimmer of hope for the two - strike that, the three.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2024
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Well written. It reads like you captured the feelings quite well.
And you offered readers a glimmer of hope for the two - strike that, the three.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2024
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Thank you sir.
Comment from Nicole Schmidt
This is a well told story from start to finish. It grabbed my attention and held it from start to finish as well. This is a strong story and I wish you luck going forward with your work and in the contest
reply by the author on 31-May-2024
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This is a well told story from start to finish. It grabbed my attention and held it from start to finish as well. This is a strong story and I wish you luck going forward with your work and in the contest
Comment Written 31-May-2024
reply by the author on 31-May-2024
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Not a contest entry. My contest entry was "Death to the house of nothingness", but thanks a bunch.
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Not a contest entry. My contest entry was "Death to the house of nothingness", but thanks a bunch.
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I forgot I entered this contest. Thank you. Lol
Comment from Julie Helms
This is such an excellent, moving story. Your descriptions are great. I was there in the freezing cold, sweating with him.
You have quite a few grammar/punctuation issues that I think are really, really worth fixing to polish this piece to perfection.
If you're interested in doing so, here you go:
Verb tense changing. You go from past tense to present and back to past. It doesn't matter which you use, but you need to stick with it. Here is an example, but you slipped back and forth throughout the story:
1. PAST Boy, was it snowing? It was already about a foot deep.
2. PRESENT families are readying themselves for a night
3. PRESENT PERFECT the feeling of a cold, lingering distancing has fallen.
(Present perfect is fine if you are sticking with present tense. If you go with past tense, you'll want to switch too past perfect "had fallen")
My solution; is to brave the weather
(No semi-colon after solution. It's just a sentence)
"Whoa, dude, take the alley. It's way too cold for this crap", I thought.
(For thoughts, not speech, put the quote in italics and no quote marks. You don't even need the 'I thought'. The italics mean it's a thought)
I can just feel it", I said to myself.
(Incorrect throughout your story. Put punctuation inside the quotes)
"I was comin' to see ya", she barely breathed. "Amanda, we need to focus, girl", I said
(Every new speaker gets a new paragraph. This makes it a hundred times easier for the reader to recognize quickly who's speaking. Should look like this:)
"I was comin' to see ya." She barely breathed.
"Amanda, we need to focus, girl," I said as calmly as I could. I was not calm, but, she nodded her head in agreement and we began ....
Again, I think your story is really fantastic!
Julie
reply by the author on 22-May-2024
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This is such an excellent, moving story. Your descriptions are great. I was there in the freezing cold, sweating with him.
You have quite a few grammar/punctuation issues that I think are really, really worth fixing to polish this piece to perfection.
If you're interested in doing so, here you go:
Verb tense changing. You go from past tense to present and back to past. It doesn't matter which you use, but you need to stick with it. Here is an example, but you slipped back and forth throughout the story:
1. PAST Boy, was it snowing? It was already about a foot deep.
2. PRESENT families are readying themselves for a night
3. PRESENT PERFECT the feeling of a cold, lingering distancing has fallen.
(Present perfect is fine if you are sticking with present tense. If you go with past tense, you'll want to switch too past perfect "had fallen")
My solution; is to brave the weather
(No semi-colon after solution. It's just a sentence)
"Whoa, dude, take the alley. It's way too cold for this crap", I thought.
(For thoughts, not speech, put the quote in italics and no quote marks. You don't even need the 'I thought'. The italics mean it's a thought)
I can just feel it", I said to myself.
(Incorrect throughout your story. Put punctuation inside the quotes)
"I was comin' to see ya", she barely breathed. "Amanda, we need to focus, girl", I said
(Every new speaker gets a new paragraph. This makes it a hundred times easier for the reader to recognize quickly who's speaking. Should look like this:)
"I was comin' to see ya." She barely breathed.
"Amanda, we need to focus, girl," I said as calmly as I could. I was not calm, but, she nodded her head in agreement and we began ....
Again, I think your story is really fantastic!
Julie
Comment Written 21-May-2024
reply by the author on 22-May-2024
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I will fix my mistakes. I think this is the most thorough review I have received. Your efforts will be recognized. Thank you for the help.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Wow, what an amazing and evocative read! Even though your visual of a baby was a great indicator of what was to come, I was so captivated by the journey that I forgot. The cold and unwelcome conditions so vividly conveyed concerned me and I worried about her survival especially when she sought shelter behind the dumpsters. The birth of the baby then was clearly no small coincidence at this time of year. But the fact that the mother went on her way was a shock and so poignant as the baby was handed over, declared "our son" and "its readiness to face this meager beginning." A journey that had started in desperation to feed a destructive habit had ended up helping to bring a new life into the world. A very dramatic, symbolic and memorable read. No errors noted. Well done! Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 21-May-2024
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Wow, what an amazing and evocative read! Even though your visual of a baby was a great indicator of what was to come, I was so captivated by the journey that I forgot. The cold and unwelcome conditions so vividly conveyed concerned me and I worried about her survival especially when she sought shelter behind the dumpsters. The birth of the baby then was clearly no small coincidence at this time of year. But the fact that the mother went on her way was a shock and so poignant as the baby was handed over, declared "our son" and "its readiness to face this meager beginning." A journey that had started in desperation to feed a destructive habit had ended up helping to bring a new life into the world. A very dramatic, symbolic and memorable read. No errors noted. Well done! Take care Debbie
Comment Written 21-May-2024
reply by the author on 21-May-2024
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No errors? What? Oh, thank you Debbie D?Arcy.
Comment from Douglas Goff
I did see it coming that the child was going to be his, but that made it none-the-less of a good read.
Sadly, these things do happen all too often in our macabre world.
Good job!
D
reply by the author on 16-May-2024
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I did see it coming that the child was going to be his, but that made it none-the-less of a good read.
Sadly, these things do happen all too often in our macabre world.
Good job!
D
Comment Written 15-May-2024
reply by the author on 16-May-2024
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Thank you
Comment from robyn corum
EB,
This was a really moving and dear story. You wrote as someone who might have some knowledge of these things - nice! (scary, but nice.)
I do have a couple small comments for your consideration:
1.) For the very first time that I can remember, there was not another soul around (the) alley.
2.) but she shook her head in agreement
--> a nod is agreement
3.) one issue I saw repeated throughout is incorrect punctuation with your dialogue. I'm gonna try to offer you my favorite reference on that. FS watches for "certain things" so I hope you'll see through the lines?
--> try: editors(no space)blog (dot) net /and search "punctuation in dialogue"
Thanks a bunch!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-May-2024
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EB,
This was a really moving and dear story. You wrote as someone who might have some knowledge of these things - nice! (scary, but nice.)
I do have a couple small comments for your consideration:
1.) For the very first time that I can remember, there was not another soul around (the) alley.
2.) but she shook her head in agreement
--> a nod is agreement
3.) one issue I saw repeated throughout is incorrect punctuation with your dialogue. I'm gonna try to offer you my favorite reference on that. FS watches for "certain things" so I hope you'll see through the lines?
--> try: editors(no space)blog (dot) net /and search "punctuation in dialogue"
Thanks a bunch!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-May-2024
reply by the author on 15-May-2024
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Thanks. Someone else noted the very same things. If I were me I would listen this time.
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Thanks. Someone else noted the very same things. If I were me I would listen this time.
Comment from joann r romei
What an interesting story, I enjoyed it and felt the concern while reading, you may want to add to it, wind, thankful for being sober, babies cry, because the beginning is about you in detail, and then quick with the tension of the story, all in all nicely done.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2024
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What an interesting story, I enjoyed it and felt the concern while reading, you may want to add to it, wind, thankful for being sober, babies cry, because the beginning is about you in detail, and then quick with the tension of the story, all in all nicely done.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2024
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Life is always all about us until it's not. It can happen in an instant, without detail or understanding. Forgive me for saying it like this, but it's a bit like love. It just happens sometimes. That was the message. Sorry it fell flat in that. I'll read more of you when I can. You're pretty good. I tried poetry. It read like bad clog dancing; gave me a headache.
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The story didn't fall flat, you weren't into creating that moment as much as the going out to get drinks. I'll try to read more of your work. Feel free to give me pointers on where and how to improve my writing, I encourage the reader to comment.
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I will
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You think maybe that?s why he?s an alcoholic without a son, because he was more about getting the drinks than creating the story? I want so badly to give that part the build up it deserves. I?m just blocked right now. Your comments have been so helpful though.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your writing does a great job of setting the atmosphere. I was drawn into the cold and unforgiving winter night thanks to your excellent imagery. The scene with the mother to be was powerful and touching. Your storytelling skillfully shows us the darkness of addiction and despair. But I also saw glimpses of hope. Great job!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Your writing does a great job of setting the atmosphere. I was drawn into the cold and unforgiving winter night thanks to your excellent imagery. The scene with the mother to be was powerful and touching. Your storytelling skillfully shows us the darkness of addiction and despair. But I also saw glimpses of hope. Great job!
Comment Written 26-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Thank you. I am encouraged to keep trying until I really get it right.
Comment from HaleyRenae
I am honestly struggling to hold back tears as I type this.You truly set the scene for this piece of work and I felt as if I couldn't read it fast enough. It had me hooked from the beginning and forgetting it was a work of fiction. The twist at the end jolted me and also wrapped the whole story up perfectly. Beautifully done!
-Haley
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I am honestly struggling to hold back tears as I type this.You truly set the scene for this piece of work and I felt as if I couldn't read it fast enough. It had me hooked from the beginning and forgetting it was a work of fiction. The twist at the end jolted me and also wrapped the whole story up perfectly. Beautifully done!
-Haley
Comment Written 26-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I wanted that reaction and am fighting back tears myself reading this. It is fiction, but the reality is that this is the truth for many people. We forget or don?t care. Please be the one who just forgets. Blessings all day
