Spectre
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "Darkness"This is book two of a trilogy book 1 "Ghost"
9 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I liked reading the first part and the chapter part as well. The imagery of the earth yawning and shaking snow off its shoulders is strong.
Expectations and hopes seem to be built up and then destroyed rather suddenly.
Little things I thought needed a fix or maybe a tweak:
The earth yawns, shakes the snow off its shoulders sending out it's green fingers to test the air.
Just change it's to its for proper possessive form.
But trepidation filled me, as the time was early for him and I.
change I to me
A short while later I was sitting by a pool table sipping on a beverage and waiting for B.
Just put a comma after table
B strode in and the feeling of security and protection came over me as it did whenever I saw him.
Just put a comma after in
Because he was a large man muscular and strong, I felt he was my bulletproof shield.
I would add a comma after man.
I exhailed a breath not realizing I was holding it.
change exhailed to exhaled and add comma after breath
A quaint, rancher style home stood before us
This might be a term that is regional. I would have said a ranch-style home. Or maybe A quaint, rustic-style home stood before us
It sounds like this marriage is going to go downhill after B's reaction to a teasing maneuver.
  |
I liked reading the first part and the chapter part as well. The imagery of the earth yawning and shaking snow off its shoulders is strong.
Expectations and hopes seem to be built up and then destroyed rather suddenly.
Little things I thought needed a fix or maybe a tweak:
The earth yawns, shakes the snow off its shoulders sending out it's green fingers to test the air.
Just change it's to its for proper possessive form.
But trepidation filled me, as the time was early for him and I.
change I to me
A short while later I was sitting by a pool table sipping on a beverage and waiting for B.
Just put a comma after table
B strode in and the feeling of security and protection came over me as it did whenever I saw him.
Just put a comma after in
Because he was a large man muscular and strong, I felt he was my bulletproof shield.
I would add a comma after man.
I exhailed a breath not realizing I was holding it.
change exhailed to exhaled and add comma after breath
A quaint, rancher style home stood before us
This might be a term that is regional. I would have said a ranch-style home. Or maybe A quaint, rustic-style home stood before us
It sounds like this marriage is going to go downhill after B's reaction to a teasing maneuver.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2024
Comment from LJbutterfly
I'm glad to see you are continuing your story. I had hoped there would be continuous happy times for a while. B's reaction to a baby was to ask you to marry him. That sounded good. Now that you have met his family, I have to wait to see the outcome. Welcome back.
|
I'm glad to see you are continuing your story. I had hoped there would be continuous happy times for a while. B's reaction to a baby was to ask you to marry him. That sounded good. Now that you have met his family, I have to wait to see the outcome. Welcome back.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Lea,
since it's been awhile since your last posting of this story, it might have been helpful to give us an update to this point in the story. However, it's well written, though a bit of a shock that your husband would all of a sudden become abusive, especially in front of family members. I'll look forward to seeing where this is going. Thanks for sharing.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
|
Hello Lea,
since it's been awhile since your last posting of this story, it might have been helpful to give us an update to this point in the story. However, it's well written, though a bit of a shock that your husband would all of a sudden become abusive, especially in front of family members. I'll look forward to seeing where this is going. Thanks for sharing.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Why did he react so violently? If I remember correctly, until now he was a good guy. I can't wait to read more. I'm happy you've returned to writing. My prayers are with you.
He sat down beside me and gave me a kiss, green eyes sparkling. (you can omit 'down')
|
Why did he react so violently? If I remember correctly, until now he was a good guy. I can't wait to read more. I'm happy you've returned to writing. My prayers are with you.
He sat down beside me and gave me a kiss, green eyes sparkling. (you can omit 'down')
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
The introduction is exquisite, Lea, with superb imagery. Punctuation and a proof read, however, are needed as, without this, some of your creativity is lost.
The main part picks up seamlessly from before although it becomes ever clearer that the previous harmony will not continue now that a baby has arrived. Some small edits: exh(a)led sens(i)tive; two months later (he) proposed; just as my eyes closed against my rage filled will (not sure about the meaning here).
It's great to be back on track with your story. Thanks for sharing, Lea. Take care Debbie
|
The introduction is exquisite, Lea, with superb imagery. Punctuation and a proof read, however, are needed as, without this, some of your creativity is lost.
The main part picks up seamlessly from before although it becomes ever clearer that the previous harmony will not continue now that a baby has arrived. Some small edits: exh(a)led sens(i)tive; two months later (he) proposed; just as my eyes closed against my rage filled will (not sure about the meaning here).
It's great to be back on track with your story. Thanks for sharing, Lea. Take care Debbie
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I am glad to hear you have settled into your new home and you are enjoying the lovely scenery Lea. You return to your journey and tell us of your new family and your two children and your lovely family unit. I am not sure if the last few lines are about your husband turning into an abusive man, or you had a flash back of a memory from long ago? Another fine chapter, love Dolly x x x
|
I am glad to hear you have settled into your new home and you are enjoying the lovely scenery Lea. You return to your journey and tell us of your new family and your two children and your lovely family unit. I am not sure if the last few lines are about your husband turning into an abusive man, or you had a flash back of a memory from long ago? Another fine chapter, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
Comment from Jim Wile
Great to begin hearing this story again, Lea. Thanks for catching us up on your new living situation too. It sounds wonderful, and it seems like an idyllic spot.
My goodness, what an overblown reaction to a seemingly innocuous incident of a "wet Willy." (I confess, I'd never heard of this before.) No wonder it made you angry and questioning everything. He seemed like a decent guy until this happened, and you can't be blamed for having a little fun. Even if he didn't like it, he chose an awful way to show his dislike. This doesn't bode well for the new relationship. - Jim
|
Great to begin hearing this story again, Lea. Thanks for catching us up on your new living situation too. It sounds wonderful, and it seems like an idyllic spot.
My goodness, what an overblown reaction to a seemingly innocuous incident of a "wet Willy." (I confess, I'd never heard of this before.) No wonder it made you angry and questioning everything. He seemed like a decent guy until this happened, and you can't be blamed for having a little fun. Even if he didn't like it, he chose an awful way to show his dislike. This doesn't bode well for the new relationship. - Jim
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
Comment from EILEEN LAW
Don't you want to crawl into the past and hold those skinny neglected girls into your arms and assure them that they will survive this? Well we did, physically but not emotionally and psychologically, 50 plus years later we still suffer the scars of the little girls.
As usual excellent writing.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
 |
Don't you want to crawl into the past and hold those skinny neglected girls into your arms and assure them that they will survive this? Well we did, physically but not emotionally and psychologically, 50 plus years later we still suffer the scars of the little girls.
As usual excellent writing.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
-
Thank you so much for your fine review your insight is incredible thank you for this and I hope you're having a great night!
Comment from BethShelby
I so glad to see you back and posting again. I've missed you. I assume you husband hit you because he didn't like you putting your wet finger in his ear. Why don't guys show their temper before they get married. What a bummer.
sensative to my beeds (Did you mean sensative to my needs)
|
I so glad to see you back and posting again. I've missed you. I assume you husband hit you because he didn't like you putting your wet finger in his ear. Why don't guys show their temper before they get married. What a bummer.
sensative to my beeds (Did you mean sensative to my needs)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2024