Eyes
The truth waiting in the secret archives.27 total reviews
Comment from Lisasview
Good morning Ben,
I always find it rather interesting to read your words..With this one I am trying to see if I can find a poetic structure but alas I only see a sprinkling of rhymes..mainly slant rhymes..
I see you mention free verse...so I guess what I see is the poetic structure...
Perhaps rhyming is not your intention.
Anyway, I did enjoy the read,
Lisa
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2023
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Good morning Ben,
I always find it rather interesting to read your words..With this one I am trying to see if I can find a poetic structure but alas I only see a sprinkling of rhymes..mainly slant rhymes..
I see you mention free verse...so I guess what I see is the poetic structure...
Perhaps rhyming is not your intention.
Anyway, I did enjoy the read,
Lisa
Comment Written 08-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2023
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Good morning (for me, afternoon I guess for you)! It is indeed a free verse poem, hence there is no rhyme pattern or meter. There are certainly rhymes in it however, most of them being internal.
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Now Ben, I am sure you know this but internal rhymes are called Free Style...and are actually far more difficult...
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I?m not sure what distinction you are making here. It sounds like you are saying that ?free style? is distinct from free verse? I do not think that is accurate. I?ve never heard the term free style being used to describe any sort of poetry, but it sounds to me like a synonym for free verse, and free verse absolutely can contain rhymes, whether internal or end rhymes, so long as there is not a clear pattern or rhyme scheme. Tons of examples of this out there.
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Hi there,
This is what I learned this past year....
I do not think many are aware of this...
I did not write this... I just copy and pasted it for you to see...
Just interesting information.
Freestyle
Composed with intermittent rhymes and without a set meter or count.
This is NOT a narrative or prose form ... must have a poetic voice.
Rhythm, syntax, and word-flow decide where rhyming occurs.
Technically, this form is free verse with intermittent rhymes.
Presentation and linebreaks are determined by author?s
needs for rhythm and the best, most creative flow.
With free verse poetry you refrain from using a specific pattern of rhyme or meter.
With freestyle poetry you don't have a formatted style or pattern but you use rhyme most of the time and therefore create a catchy beat with your words, similar to rap.
Comment from tfawcus
I found this passage particularly compelling: "There is a line, too, for the truth. It waits,
muzzled in document boxes, in the archives.
It's a form of torture--the bureaucracy
of despair, filing the necessary papers
to learn the secrets of your life."
It shows the depersonalised nature of the bureaucracy so graphically and the individual's hopelessness against the system
This is a fine piece of potry, both in the atmosphere you build and the depth of observation. Congratulations.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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I found this passage particularly compelling: "There is a line, too, for the truth. It waits,
muzzled in document boxes, in the archives.
It's a form of torture--the bureaucracy
of despair, filing the necessary papers
to learn the secrets of your life."
It shows the depersonalised nature of the bureaucracy so graphically and the individual's hopelessness against the system
This is a fine piece of potry, both in the atmosphere you build and the depth of observation. Congratulations.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read and reflect on my poem. I truly appreciate it.
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If you enjoyed this, you might also like "Marie Curie Dreams of Angels" which is written in a somewhat similar style.
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Thanks, Ben. I'll take a look.
Comment from Jacob1395
There was a lot of depth to this poem that I really liked. I like how you describe how pressure can really weigh down on a person. A really well written piece. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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There was a lot of depth to this poem that I really liked. I like how you describe how pressure can really weigh down on a person. A really well written piece. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thank you very much Jacob, I appreciate it!
Comment from Barry Penfold
Thanks for the notes. I like a lot of your descriptions. they impact on your story and one really questions as to whether or not the surveillance state has ever left us anywhere. Well done and and good luck in the contest. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thanks for the notes. I like a lot of your descriptions. they impact on your story and one really questions as to whether or not the surveillance state has ever left us anywhere. Well done and and good luck in the contest. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thank you Barry! I?m glad you enjoyed this.
Comment from Boogienights
Fear of change is always a hard thing to overcome, especially if it affects are very livelihood and the style in which we live. You do a great job in voicing those fears with a true sense of foreboding. A well thought out poem.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Fear of change is always a hard thing to overcome, especially if it affects are very livelihood and the style in which we live. You do a great job in voicing those fears with a true sense of foreboding. A well thought out poem.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thank you!
Comment from jake cosmos aller
Powerful and moving poem about living in a world of lies, deceit, hunger, and despair -in short living in the capitalist paradise of modern society. You have some great lines,
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Powerful and moving poem about living in a world of lies, deceit, hunger, and despair -in short living in the capitalist paradise of modern society. You have some great lines,
Comment Written 06-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thank you my friend!
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi,
This is a very descriptive and metaphoric poem about switching from communism to democracy. It is scary how much the state did know about each of its residents. I can't imagine how people would react to the knowledge they receive about themselves and their neighbors.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Good luck in the contest.
Have a good rest of the week.
Joan
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Hi,
This is a very descriptive and metaphoric poem about switching from communism to democracy. It is scary how much the state did know about each of its residents. I can't imagine how people would react to the knowledge they receive about themselves and their neighbors.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Good luck in the contest.
Have a good rest of the week.
Joan
Comment Written 06-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thank you so much Joan!
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You are most kindly welcome, Ben
Joan
Comment from Lea Tonin1
It captured me from the beginning to the end. I picked out my favorite paragraph that you wrote listed below.
"eyes spill out, so many eyes.
Brown ones, blues, green, so many. The eyes of neighbors,
teachers, co-workers, cousins and uncles...friends.
You recognize them all."
Find it be quite superior. Worthy of great success. I am out of sixes but i'm sending you a virtual six. I hope you have a great evening!
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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It captured me from the beginning to the end. I picked out my favorite paragraph that you wrote listed below.
"eyes spill out, so many eyes.
Brown ones, blues, green, so many. The eyes of neighbors,
teachers, co-workers, cousins and uncles...friends.
You recognize them all."
Find it be quite superior. Worthy of great success. I am out of sixes but i'm sending you a virtual six. I hope you have a great evening!
Comment Written 06-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thank you Lea, I will gladly take the virtual six, and I am glad you enjoyed the poem and that stanza in particular.
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is an interesting write.
I found this personalized to a family member, perhaps a descendant of an ancestor.
I enjoyed the read! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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This is an interesting write.
I found this personalized to a family member, perhaps a descendant of an ancestor.
I enjoyed the read! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 06-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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Thanks John. Not based on a relative, but the experience of many friends from Eastern Europe and their families.
Comment from nomi338
I have never lived in an environment like the one you so chillingly described. I found it so disturbing that should I ever find myself in such a situation, I would undoubtedly contemplate escape by any means possible, even dare I say it, suicide.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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I have never lived in an environment like the one you so chillingly described. I found it so disturbing that should I ever find myself in such a situation, I would undoubtedly contemplate escape by any means possible, even dare I say it, suicide.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2023
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It was truly a bleak existence for many. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
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Make no mistake, I love life, I love living. To take my life would be the most difficult decision ever.