Spectre
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The In-between "This is book two of a trilogy book 1 "Ghost"
11 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is a strong scene where you have definitely taken a stand and are not backing down.
Little fixes:
"But hey, I tried to help you out that's..." Then she saw the thunder in my face and her voice just tapered off.
I would try:
"But, hey, I tried to help you out. That's..." Then she saw the thunder in my face, and her voice just tapered off.
"Your gonna give me the cash you took using me," I said.
"You're gonna give me the cash you took by using me," I said.
"I was gonna give it to you anyway but you took..." Again her voiced tapered off.
"I was gonna give it to you anyway, but you took..." Again her voice tapered off.
Producing two hundred dollars she handed it over to me.
Put a comma after dollars.
"By rights you should only get one hundred after last nights fiasco."
"By rights, you should only get one hundred after last night's fiasco."
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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This is a strong scene where you have definitely taken a stand and are not backing down.
Little fixes:
"But hey, I tried to help you out that's..." Then she saw the thunder in my face and her voice just tapered off.
I would try:
"But, hey, I tried to help you out. That's..." Then she saw the thunder in my face, and her voice just tapered off.
"Your gonna give me the cash you took using me," I said.
"You're gonna give me the cash you took by using me," I said.
"I was gonna give it to you anyway but you took..." Again her voiced tapered off.
"I was gonna give it to you anyway, but you took..." Again her voice tapered off.
Producing two hundred dollars she handed it over to me.
Put a comma after dollars.
"By rights you should only get one hundred after last nights fiasco."
"By rights, you should only get one hundred after last night's fiasco."
Comment Written 30-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Excellent, I appreciate these fixes so very much. They're gold to me. Thank you so much! For reading, I'm always honored and pleased to receive it. Thank you again, have a great day!
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Lea,
I'm so glad you stood up for yourself and realized that the path that E was leading you down was going to end in sorrow or worse. I'm pleased that you demanded the payment that was due you, though no amount of money can compensate you for what you went through. One has to wonder where people go when they're in a situation like you faced. In Anchorage there is Covenant House, ran by the Catholic church that takes in young people who are on the street, feeds them and gives them a place to stay. They even work with them to find jobs and a more permanent housing arrangement. I don't know what they do in Canada, though I thought it was basically a socialist country, so I would imagine there must be something available. Thanks for sharing gal.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Hello Lea,
I'm so glad you stood up for yourself and realized that the path that E was leading you down was going to end in sorrow or worse. I'm pleased that you demanded the payment that was due you, though no amount of money can compensate you for what you went through. One has to wonder where people go when they're in a situation like you faced. In Anchorage there is Covenant House, ran by the Catholic church that takes in young people who are on the street, feeds them and gives them a place to stay. They even work with them to find jobs and a more permanent housing arrangement. I don't know what they do in Canada, though I thought it was basically a socialist country, so I would imagine there must be something available. Thanks for sharing gal.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
Comment Written 27-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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They do today, but not a lot. At that time when were young. If there was I didn't know about it. Tom your compassion is amazing! Your insight even more so. Thank you for your review and fine rating! 😁
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
The dialogue is amazing here, Lea and I hope it's as cathartic for you as it is for your reader! I love the force of that anger coming out from you. You're fearless and I almost thought you were going to threaten to tell her mother about her activities. But you're not as mean as me:) You're back in the forest but not as invisible. You can see the beauty of nature (if not in people) and that's a good start to your turn-around. Some small edits: "I might have fallen asleep (?) their table; "The(re) was a large cedar standing sentin(e)l..."; "corroborates." Well done, Lea. Another great chapter! Love Debbie x
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2023
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The dialogue is amazing here, Lea and I hope it's as cathartic for you as it is for your reader! I love the force of that anger coming out from you. You're fearless and I almost thought you were going to threaten to tell her mother about her activities. But you're not as mean as me:) You're back in the forest but not as invisible. You can see the beauty of nature (if not in people) and that's a good start to your turn-around. Some small edits: "I might have fallen asleep (?) their table; "The(re) was a large cedar standing sentin(e)l..."; "corroborates." Well done, Lea. Another great chapter! Love Debbie x
Comment Written 26-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2023
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Thank you again my friend!
Comment from LJbutterfly
I'm glad you told E that you knew she was using you. I'm also glad you demanded the money she owed you and you left her house. Even though you have demonstrated strength, you are still young with a lot of life left to live and learn.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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I'm glad you told E that you knew she was using you. I'm also glad you demanded the money she owed you and you left her house. Even though you have demonstrated strength, you are still young with a lot of life left to live and learn.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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You are so very right about that! I was so unprepaired so stupid at that time. I'm lucky I've blundered my way through it. I thank you again for you're fine review and rating! Support of 24 which i'm very thankful for have a great night!
Comment from Chuck Keller
Another great, descriptive piece, Lea
I enjoy reading stories where I can almost smell the fragrances of the cedar and sense the surroundings as you describe them
Always a pleasure Kiddo
Thanks for sharing the journey
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Another great, descriptive piece, Lea
I enjoy reading stories where I can almost smell the fragrances of the cedar and sense the surroundings as you describe them
Always a pleasure Kiddo
Thanks for sharing the journey
Comment Written 26-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Hi Chuck! I hope you are well! Thank you so much for your review! Your kindness always shines through! Thank you again!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Again, thank you for sharing this story. It's important to share it. I am positive it will help others, as I know it's helping you to write it.
"It's ok mom. I just have a visitor," E said.
"Well keep it quiet in there, you know I need to rest," E's mom said.
"Ok mom. Sorry we'll keep it down," E answered. (WONDERFUL JOB WRITING DIALOGUE!!!!!)
There's a few out there," She answered (she)
I might not know much about anything but I know this crap makes me feel like shit." ( comma after 'anything,' not sure why there's quotation marks after 'shit')
I headed back to the park where i'd met the (I'd)
Drying me eyes, (Drying my eyes,)
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Again, thank you for sharing this story. It's important to share it. I am positive it will help others, as I know it's helping you to write it.
"It's ok mom. I just have a visitor," E said.
"Well keep it quiet in there, you know I need to rest," E's mom said.
"Ok mom. Sorry we'll keep it down," E answered. (WONDERFUL JOB WRITING DIALOGUE!!!!!)
There's a few out there," She answered (she)
I might not know much about anything but I know this crap makes me feel like shit." ( comma after 'anything,' not sure why there's quotation marks after 'shit')
I headed back to the park where i'd met the (I'd)
Drying me eyes, (Drying my eyes,)
Comment Written 26-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Thank you Barbara! Your amazing is always! I thank you for your edit suggestions and corrections. And they are very much like gold to me. And I am learning thanks to you I hope you're having a great night!
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Oh, thank goodness you're out of there. In this case, the devil you knew is WAY worse than the devil you don't. That was so awful for you. But I know it made you smarter and gave you the savvy to deal more efficiently and wisely with what lies ahead.
Great work, Lea. Your writing shines.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2023
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Oh, thank goodness you're out of there. In this case, the devil you knew is WAY worse than the devil you don't. That was so awful for you. But I know it made you smarter and gave you the savvy to deal more efficiently and wisely with what lies ahead.
Great work, Lea. Your writing shines.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2023
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Thank you again!
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xo
Comment from Jim Wile
Although your friend E didn't do you any good, I'd like to think that your lecture to her may have done her some good in the long run, just as your story now will hopefully help some who read it in the same way.
Abuse comes in many forms, and you are doing a great service by pointing out its many ways. Some are not as obvious as others, like your friend abusing you by taking advantage of your unfortunate circumstances to try to hook you into a lifestyle that no one should aspire to.
In the story right now, you are in such a vulnerable position with virtually no good options. You can't turn to family, and the two friends who you sought out turned out to be disastrous. You can't trust the authorities either. What can you do? I don't know, but somehow you found a way because here you are telling your story.
Despite being so sad, this is so riveting, Lea. I'm dying to know what you ended up doing. Just know that you are to be forgiven whatever wrong turns you may take in just attempting to survive because that's the goal now. - Jim
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Although your friend E didn't do you any good, I'd like to think that your lecture to her may have done her some good in the long run, just as your story now will hopefully help some who read it in the same way.
Abuse comes in many forms, and you are doing a great service by pointing out its many ways. Some are not as obvious as others, like your friend abusing you by taking advantage of your unfortunate circumstances to try to hook you into a lifestyle that no one should aspire to.
In the story right now, you are in such a vulnerable position with virtually no good options. You can't turn to family, and the two friends who you sought out turned out to be disastrous. You can't trust the authorities either. What can you do? I don't know, but somehow you found a way because here you are telling your story.
Despite being so sad, this is so riveting, Lea. I'm dying to know what you ended up doing. Just know that you are to be forgiven whatever wrong turns you may take in just attempting to survive because that's the goal now. - Jim
Comment Written 26-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Jim I thank you for your kindness! I would like to say life goes on smooth but life is never that way. Even the most devout have issues. There's always an issue to deal with.
Thank you, Jim, thank you for hanging in there. I'll keep thanking you until the cows come home and then some! Thank you again my friend hope you have enough tonight!
Comment from Jacob1395
I'm glad that you told E how you felt about how she'd mistreated you, and yet she still believed she helped you. She definitely seems like someone who only thinks of herself. Another powerful, well written chapter, Lea.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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I'm glad that you told E how you felt about how she'd mistreated you, and yet she still believed she helped you. She definitely seems like someone who only thinks of herself. Another powerful, well written chapter, Lea.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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A true definition of narcissism for sure! Thank you jacob thank you so much for reading and for offering your kind comments Hand for your fine review I hope you have a great night!
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
At least you have escaped the clutches of your friend, you have a few belongings and 200 dollars, not much to make a start, but you might get a lucky break, let us hope so Lea, you could do with some good luck. I feel happier now that you have your head screwed on and hopeful some good decisions will get you started on a better life, love Dolly x x x
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reply by the author on 26-Nov-2023
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At least you have escaped the clutches of your friend, you have a few belongings and 200 dollars, not much to make a start, but you might get a lucky break, let us hope so Lea, you could do with some good luck. I feel happier now that you have your head screwed on and hopeful some good decisions will get you started on a better life, love Dolly x x x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2023
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Lifes a roller coaster. I had many ups and downs and learned the hardway. Your wisdom us always spot on! Thank you my friend!!