Br'er Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Africa Exile"Ex-intelligence officer's personal tragedy
9 total reviews
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Good first paragraph - draws readers in.
Stick-resembling man - I can see him!
Very good descriptions, you've come a long way since your first story here.
This is fast moving and tense, you fold us into every scene with you, and leave us wondering what's next with urgency.
A very good write and I wish I had a six, but I've reviewed a lot since yesterday morning.
You've traveled to a few of these places, haven't you?
Pam
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2023
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Good first paragraph - draws readers in.
Stick-resembling man - I can see him!
Very good descriptions, you've come a long way since your first story here.
This is fast moving and tense, you fold us into every scene with you, and leave us wondering what's next with urgency.
A very good write and I wish I had a six, but I've reviewed a lot since yesterday morning.
You've traveled to a few of these places, haven't you?
Pam
Comment Written 14-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2023
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If this was fast, I would love to see your opinion of the next one (already here!).
I am learning a lot, and I would be stuck in the same place if not for people like you and the fantastic community of FS writers.
Thank you very much, Pam.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I have enjoyed both of your chapters this morning and maybe this one better than the other or equally. Unfortunately, they don't give us enough stars to reward them all as they deserve. Great job! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023
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I have enjoyed both of your chapters this morning and maybe this one better than the other or equally. Unfortunately, they don't give us enough stars to reward them all as they deserve. Great job! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly bossman - that's what I like to hear, that the next one is always better!
Comment from JSD
Excellent as usual. An imaginative world so convincingly created. I'm always in a film with your writing. Once again, the dialogue and the depiction of scene are immaculate.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023
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Excellent as usual. An imaginative world so convincingly created. I'm always in a film with your writing. Once again, the dialogue and the depiction of scene are immaculate.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023
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Thank you so much, JSD. Always putting a smile on my face. Wishing you a fantastic week ahead.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Your ability to draw complete pictures with amazing details carries me away to Capetown. At one point I would almost swear I could smell the sweat and overpowering cologne "Aramis" wasn't it? Heavy on the sandlewood, or maybe, it's just me. Keep writing.
Karen
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2023
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Your ability to draw complete pictures with amazing details carries me away to Capetown. At one point I would almost swear I could smell the sweat and overpowering cologne "Aramis" wasn't it? Heavy on the sandlewood, or maybe, it's just me. Keep writing.
Karen
Comment Written 13-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2023
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Wonderful feedback, Karen, thank you kindly.
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You kinda remind me of Jack Higgins. He kept me enthralled from page one to page,done.
Read my story "I really don't belong here, and give me your thoughts on the ending, it isn't quite right. Thanks
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Great hook to insure we return. I can't wait to see what happens inside that house. Again, you're doing a great job with descriptions and emotions. You have a winner on your hands. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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Great hook to insure we return. I can't wait to see what happens inside that house. Again, you're doing a great job with descriptions and emotions. You have a winner on your hands. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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Grateful as always, Barbara. Sending my best.
Comment from Julie G1
Well written. This writer presents a concise and apt choice of language and imagery to build an effective building to the conclusion. The reader is drawn to what happens next. Intriguing, and so well done. I hope you keep on writing.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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Well written. This writer presents a concise and apt choice of language and imagery to build an effective building to the conclusion. The reader is drawn to what happens next. Intriguing, and so well done. I hope you keep on writing.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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Thank you kindly, Julie.
Comment from royowen
This guy, our narrator, and the first person commentator knows his way around, and I guess he has to, seeing he's been thrown into the deep end, they'd have to be rare creatures themselves taking on the scum of the world, who don't have a single collective conscience, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo ; Raising degree(s) of degeneracy.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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This guy, our narrator, and the first person commentator knows his way around, and I guess he has to, seeing he's been thrown into the deep end, they'd have to be rare creatures themselves taking on the scum of the world, who don't have a single collective conscience, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo ; Raising degree(s) of degeneracy.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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Typo amended - good catch. Humble thanks and wishing you a wonderful Sunday. Hope you stick around!
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
You are on form here once again. The description is fantastic, as is the attention to the little details (chicken grease, e.g.). It could be tightened up in parts as it rambles a bit here and there, but then that just makes it seem like a conversation, and no good conversation is ever perfectly linear. kay
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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You are on form here once again. The description is fantastic, as is the attention to the little details (chicken grease, e.g.). It could be tightened up in parts as it rambles a bit here and there, but then that just makes it seem like a conversation, and no good conversation is ever perfectly linear. kay
Comment Written 12-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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Made my evening, Kay. I?ll tighten everything nicely once I finish the manuscript - look at the boy go! Lots to learn and I?ll do it as I go. Thank you dearly.
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you're doing just fine! k
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I just read another story entirely of short terse sentences, it changes the whole feel of a piece - to bear in mind k
Comment from lancellot
Very good tone and background information. Did do a great job building and setting up the scene. The reader has everything they need going into an action oriented next chapter.
notes:
One of these - weapons and human trafficking -
-Two of these - weapons and human trafficking -
{had} resulted in him moving from the quiet neighborhood of Cape Town to the lawless outskirts of Manila
- Recommend monitoring the overuse of: had
{western} fucking civilisation interfering and putting their
-Western
"It won't matter {inside," even} with the suppressor on,
-"It won't matter inside." Even with the suppressor on,
"It's only precaution. {Here," he} handed me the military-issued karambit knife.
-"It's only precaution. Here." He handed me the military-issued karambit knife.
"Oh, and one last {thing," He said,} stopping the car diagonally
-"Oh, and one last thing," he said, stopping the car diagonally
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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Very good tone and background information. Did do a great job building and setting up the scene. The reader has everything they need going into an action oriented next chapter.
notes:
One of these - weapons and human trafficking -
-Two of these - weapons and human trafficking -
{had} resulted in him moving from the quiet neighborhood of Cape Town to the lawless outskirts of Manila
- Recommend monitoring the overuse of: had
{western} fucking civilisation interfering and putting their
-Western
"It won't matter {inside," even} with the suppressor on,
-"It won't matter inside." Even with the suppressor on,
"It's only precaution. {Here," he} handed me the military-issued karambit knife.
-"It's only precaution. Here." He handed me the military-issued karambit knife.
"Oh, and one last {thing," He said,} stopping the car diagonally
-"Oh, and one last thing," he said, stopping the car diagonally
Comment Written 12-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2023
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Thank you kindly for the highest rating and the amendments. Tons of love, Lancellot, and wishing you a great Sunday ahead.