Wonder
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "After"Poems of the things of the spirit
6 total reviews
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Death, if that is what you write of, is but a passing, or a return from whence we came from a pre-mortal life. Just like human birth, our souls were born elsewhere, challenged and given agency to choose a body to be tested on earth.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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Death, if that is what you write of, is but a passing, or a return from whence we came from a pre-mortal life. Just like human birth, our souls were born elsewhere, challenged and given agency to choose a body to be tested on earth.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2023
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Yes. I think of death of the one dying as " having no sting". The mourner is stung.
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Agreed
Comment from Paul Manton
Thank you, Michelle, for this accomplished sonnet.
As this is for a contest, I need to suggest some minor changes.
Basically, a classical Shakespearian sonnet abab rhyme and iambic pentameter But two of the lines have sprung rhythm - more interesting to me, but a possible disqualifier for fussy judges.
Before we get to that, I want to say how good this poem is, since it is filled with pain, but has significant light at the end - rather like a psalm. Lovely.
Forensics: Line 2 'Sadly silenced' is great alliteration, but it is not iambic - so we need to find an alternative, to put the beat on the second syllable - you may find something better than my suggestion, of course: my best is
'Your voice now silenced, since by death deceived . . .'
The second sprung rhythm is at line 13: 'Death can deliver . . .' and this one is simpler. I suggest - 'Cruel death delivers blows . . .'
That makes the whole thing iambic. Voila!
Hope that helps.
Love fro Paul
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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Thank you, Michelle, for this accomplished sonnet.
As this is for a contest, I need to suggest some minor changes.
Basically, a classical Shakespearian sonnet abab rhyme and iambic pentameter But two of the lines have sprung rhythm - more interesting to me, but a possible disqualifier for fussy judges.
Before we get to that, I want to say how good this poem is, since it is filled with pain, but has significant light at the end - rather like a psalm. Lovely.
Forensics: Line 2 'Sadly silenced' is great alliteration, but it is not iambic - so we need to find an alternative, to put the beat on the second syllable - you may find something better than my suggestion, of course: my best is
'Your voice now silenced, since by death deceived . . .'
The second sprung rhythm is at line 13: 'Death can deliver . . .' and this one is simpler. I suggest - 'Cruel death delivers blows . . .'
That makes the whole thing iambic. Voila!
Hope that helps.
Love fro Paul
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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Thank you so much Paul. I will correct.
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Up to you - I merely suggest.
Paul
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I made some changes. Your opinion is valued.
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Glad to know it!
Paul
Comment from JSD
A sad sonnet. Best wishes to you. And I wish you all the best of luck in the competition. This is well structured and your rhyme is unforced and effective. A most impressive piece. Well done. X
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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A sad sonnet. Best wishes to you. And I wish you all the best of luck in the competition. This is well structured and your rhyme is unforced and effective. A most impressive piece. Well done. X
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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Thank you for your encouragement.
Comment from w.j.debi
This is an excellent sonnet. Your meter and rhyme are well done and flow smoothly. Excellent enjambment.
Your first stanza introduces the theme, the second builds on it, and the turn in the third gives a look at possible hope. Excellent summation in the closing couplet.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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This is an excellent sonnet. Your meter and rhyme are well done and flow smoothly. Excellent enjambment.
Your first stanza introduces the theme, the second builds on it, and the turn in the third gives a look at possible hope. Excellent summation in the closing couplet.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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Thank you so much for your encouragement.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
A very sensitively and poignantly expressed sonnet that skilfully captures a sense of loss and heartbreak. Although your couplet offers more hope I think the third stanza might have provided a bit of a bridge to that summation. Instead it was more a jump. But I'm very impressed, Michelle, with how these sonnets are progressing. Good luck in the contest! Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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A very sensitively and poignantly expressed sonnet that skilfully captures a sense of loss and heartbreak. Although your couplet offers more hope I think the third stanza might have provided a bit of a bridge to that summation. Instead it was more a jump. But I'm very impressed, Michelle, with how these sonnets are progressing. Good luck in the contest! Debbie
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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Thank you again for that. The progression is a challenge but I am determined.
Comment from Bill Schott
This sonnet, After, has the proper formatting and gives little hope of recovering from the sense of loss after a loved one's death. Only tyhe final line offers relief.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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This sonnet, After, has the proper formatting and gives little hope of recovering from the sense of loss after a loved one's death. Only tyhe final line offers relief.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2023
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I will work on this. Thank you for this. It is helpful.