Br'er Rabbit
Viewing comments for Prologue "Br'er Rabbit"Ex-intelligence officer's personal tragedy
17 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Most excellent. Haven't seen you on for a while. Real life can interfere. I would like to see more of this.
You write with the feeling of you actually having been there and done that. I will keep my mouth shut. They will get nothing out of me. Karen
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Most excellent. Haven't seen you on for a while. Real life can interfere. I would like to see more of this.
You write with the feeling of you actually having been there and done that. I will keep my mouth shut. They will get nothing out of me. Karen
Comment Written 21-Sep-2023
Comment from Jay Squires
Make no doubt about it. This is your niche, Bruce. You have such a gift for the gritty, hardboiled characters you portray here. There's a writer on FS whose work you should get acquainted with. You can learn so much from reading it. His handle here is Humpwhistle. His name is Lee.
Now, Here's a few minor points to bring to your attention:
I continued to learn about the craft under exclusive tutelage of Ben. [Try to get in the habit of using the active voice, as here: " ... under Ben's tutelage."]
but it wouldn't be until years later in that obscure bar he was about to die in, that I would receive the final lesson on the topic. [This was a well-placed PREview.]
They ran inside, took the pictures of the dead body laying on the bed [I know this is first person and written conversationally, but I need to correct your grammar here, realizing it can be overridden by your justification for wanting him to be in character. If on the other hand it was unintentional spag, you need to have it pointed out: "... the dead body LYING on the bed ..."]
You've made vast improvement over the first piece I reviewed for you.
Jay
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2023
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Make no doubt about it. This is your niche, Bruce. You have such a gift for the gritty, hardboiled characters you portray here. There's a writer on FS whose work you should get acquainted with. You can learn so much from reading it. His handle here is Humpwhistle. His name is Lee.
Now, Here's a few minor points to bring to your attention:
I continued to learn about the craft under exclusive tutelage of Ben. [Try to get in the habit of using the active voice, as here: " ... under Ben's tutelage."]
but it wouldn't be until years later in that obscure bar he was about to die in, that I would receive the final lesson on the topic. [This was a well-placed PREview.]
They ran inside, took the pictures of the dead body laying on the bed [I know this is first person and written conversationally, but I need to correct your grammar here, realizing it can be overridden by your justification for wanting him to be in character. If on the other hand it was unintentional spag, you need to have it pointed out: "... the dead body LYING on the bed ..."]
You've made vast improvement over the first piece I reviewed for you.
Jay
Comment Written 05-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2023
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I was looking forward for the review from the top ranked Critic and one of the best authors over this piece, which I am now expanding into separate stories (I'd hate to call it chapters - it'd be cocksure of a rookie to even hint that he's working on extending this into a novel). The first one of the "chapters" (barf) was met with an extremely warm welcome which only encouraged me further. I would be rapturous if you'd take a look.
I followed Lee in the blind. As I mentioned to him - you don't do anything else once the Author like you recommends someone. I can only aspire to one day, be on the opposite side of such exchange.
Your remarks are duly noted and I'm off make the amendments and read more about the active voice (so much stuff I am still unaware of - but I'm working on it everyday).
Thank you dearly for the time you took to read and letting me know of your thoughts. Means the world to me.
Sending my best,
Bruce
Comment from JSD
You have a genuinely excellent style, enviable from one who can't manage more than a few stanzas in a poem. I don't know how you sustain the quality of your writing across so many paragraphs. The action is taut and compelling, the description worthy of the best spy writers. Well done.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2023
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You have a genuinely excellent style, enviable from one who can't manage more than a few stanzas in a poem. I don't know how you sustain the quality of your writing across so many paragraphs. The action is taut and compelling, the description worthy of the best spy writers. Well done.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, JSD, for taking the time to read the piece and your kind words. Means the world to me.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Holy Cow!!! This is a fantastic story for your first milestone post. WOW!! I loved and will become a fan.
I see this is a story, I truly hope you plan on writing more and turning it into a novel. Your characters are great.
It wouldn't look serious if we were to write the factual lenght of the proceedings in the transcript. (length)
mischievous trickster who utilised wit, deceit, and manipulation to achieve his goals. (utilised?? UK spelling???)
"Fuck them. That's why we took them out of the field," He said concluding our (lower case 'h' on 'he' because of the speech tag, 'said')
I knew that he wouldn't do it himself. & They knew that I'd sooner put the bullet in my face rather than work for them. I suddenly realised that my brief yet disastrous crisis costed the lives of four people. (you can omit 'that', it's an extra word and not needed_
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Holy Cow!!! This is a fantastic story for your first milestone post. WOW!! I loved and will become a fan.
I see this is a story, I truly hope you plan on writing more and turning it into a novel. Your characters are great.
It wouldn't look serious if we were to write the factual lenght of the proceedings in the transcript. (length)
mischievous trickster who utilised wit, deceit, and manipulation to achieve his goals. (utilised?? UK spelling???)
"Fuck them. That's why we took them out of the field," He said concluding our (lower case 'h' on 'he' because of the speech tag, 'said')
I knew that he wouldn't do it himself. & They knew that I'd sooner put the bullet in my face rather than work for them. I suddenly realised that my brief yet disastrous crisis costed the lives of four people. (you can omit 'that', it's an extra word and not needed_
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Barbara, thank you very much for taking the time and pointing me to errors in the story. Please bear with me - I'm a rookie to both this site and writing in general, but I promise I'll learn quickly and do my best not to dissapoint your faith in me.
You're the fitfh (!) person who urge me to turn this into a novel - I cannot for the life of me think of anything more encouraging than this. I actually finished my first subplot pertaining to Br'er Rabbit based on the kind words of experienced writers such as yourself.
Words cannot express how grateful I am, Barbara.
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You're extremely welcome. If you keep developing as you have, you have a winner on your hands. Don't give up. It's hard work.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Good luck and good writing. I suspect there is more to follow. So much left unwritten.
Now, create a profile and let us know the who, what, whens of the man called Bruce Carrington.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Good luck and good writing. I suspect there is more to follow. So much left unwritten.
Now, create a profile and let us know the who, what, whens of the man called Bruce Carrington.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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I am just finishing what I think is the first subplot to the story following warm words of encouragement and three different messages prompting me to make it into a novel. I hope you enjoyed the story, Sir, and I thank you for your kind words.
Comment from lancellot
This is interesting. It is well written, has intrigue and more backstory and detail for simply a short story. This feels more like part of a larger story, perhaps part of an idea for one. I would urge you to continue it.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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This is interesting. It is well written, has intrigue and more backstory and detail for simply a short story. This feels more like part of a larger story, perhaps part of an idea for one. I would urge you to continue it.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Means a lot to me coming from a no-bullshit reviewer like you, Lancellot. You're the third person telling me that this should be extended into a novel. I thank you humbly for the exceptional rating and the words of encouragement.
Sending my best,
Bruce
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent storyline that held my attention until the end! The characters interact nicely throughout the entire well written piece;-)
Thanks for sharing and may God bless you;-)
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2023
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Excellent storyline that held my attention until the end! The characters interact nicely throughout the entire well written piece;-)
Thanks for sharing and may God bless you;-)
Comment Written 02-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2023
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Thank you, Melodie. Very glad you enjoyed it. All the best
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
This is your first post? Wow! Can't wait to see what you do once you've warmed up:-)
This was very Jason Bourne to me - the wide-ranging travel, the intrigue, the love connection, the assassinations . . .
This is a great story and would make a nice novella, if you had the patience and interest to pursue that. You are a very good storyteller, and we all love a good story.
My only suggestion goes back to the old adage, "Show, don't tell." You have told us everything and shown us little.
That would make this excellent piece exceptional.
Welcome to FanStory - you're already one of my favorite writers and I've been here a little over a year, lol! Can't wait to see more from you.
Pam
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2023
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This is your first post? Wow! Can't wait to see what you do once you've warmed up:-)
This was very Jason Bourne to me - the wide-ranging travel, the intrigue, the love connection, the assassinations . . .
This is a great story and would make a nice novella, if you had the patience and interest to pursue that. You are a very good storyteller, and we all love a good story.
My only suggestion goes back to the old adage, "Show, don't tell." You have told us everything and shown us little.
That would make this excellent piece exceptional.
Welcome to FanStory - you're already one of my favorite writers and I've been here a little over a year, lol! Can't wait to see more from you.
Pam
Comment Written 02-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2023
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This is the second time I've heard the advice 'show, don't tell,' and I finally had the opportunity to sit down and research the topic. It's a basic principle, but sometimes it's important to revisit the fundamentals. I spent a good deal of time reading and digesting, which brings me to what I've been meaning to say - thank you dearly for this invaluable piece of advice.
'Cobalt' (which I've also uploaded here) was actually the first short story I wrote, but it's 'Br'er' that I'm most proud of. Still, I realize there's a lot of work ahead of me, and I truly appreciate you taking the time to go through my work and provide me with such encouraging words and invaluable advice. I'm here to learn, and I highly value people like you who go out of their way to help a rookie improve.
Lots of love,
Bruce
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Bruce, we're all rookies to varying degrees.
Phill Doran and F. William Lester are two of my favorite writers here. You've got IT, just need to fine-tune it.
Comment from nomi338
The spy game, international intrigue. Much too complicated for a simple soul like me. Still I enjoy reading about it, sympathizing with its victims. I am grateful that I am not a participant for I would surely have already perished, not having the necessary skills to survive.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2023
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The spy game, international intrigue. Much too complicated for a simple soul like me. Still I enjoy reading about it, sympathizing with its victims. I am grateful that I am not a participant for I would surely have already perished, not having the necessary skills to survive.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2023
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I'm sure you'd do just fine, Sir. Thank you for kind words and I am very happy you enjoyed it. Wishing you a great day.
Comment from Terry Broxson
Bruce, welcome to FanStory. I hope you enjoy your experience. First and foremost, I think you do have some real talent for telling a story. There is no question you can write.
I have two suggestions. I thought the story could have been organized a little better. It sort of jumped around before getting to the point of why Ben had to die. I thought if I knew the back story about Ben and ( what was his name?) first and then jumped into the inquiry and the bar scene, it would flow a little better. There were a lot of characters introduced pretty quickly. So I suggest you might think about a logical flow of events.''
The second suggestion is about presentation. Consider using a larger size font, maybe a 16. Your readers here will be appreciative of the large size. You got something working for you. Keep it up. Terry.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
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Bruce, welcome to FanStory. I hope you enjoy your experience. First and foremost, I think you do have some real talent for telling a story. There is no question you can write.
I have two suggestions. I thought the story could have been organized a little better. It sort of jumped around before getting to the point of why Ben had to die. I thought if I knew the back story about Ben and ( what was his name?) first and then jumped into the inquiry and the bar scene, it would flow a little better. There were a lot of characters introduced pretty quickly. So I suggest you might think about a logical flow of events.''
The second suggestion is about presentation. Consider using a larger size font, maybe a 16. Your readers here will be appreciative of the large size. You got something working for you. Keep it up. Terry.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2023
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Dear Terry, thank you for your warm welcome, words of encouragement, and invaluable feedback.
Regarding the organization of the story, the initial goal was to provide "flashbacks" to move the story forward and provide the reader with additional context. As you have rightfully pointed out, it became chaotic, and I could have done a better job at it. Your kind remark is duly noted, Sir.
As for the font, absolutely. I have this weird condition that is yet to be named by experts where I fixate on too little fonts. Some like tall brunettes. I love small text. I'll ensure the more appropriate formatting going forward.
Again, I very much appreciate the time you took reading this story and writing your on-point suggestions. This is the thing that pushes rookies like me forward. Wishing you a terrific week ahead.