One Man's Calling
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "One Man's Calling"Following God
11 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's always a pleasure to see what kinds of characters you will come up with next for your vividly detailed stories that put your readers right in the mix. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2023
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It's always a pleasure to see what kinds of characters you will come up with next for your vividly detailed stories that put your readers right in the mix. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2023
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Thank you for your very kind review.
Comment from lyenochka
I think you did a great job with the opening like that! And already we have the key players and a hint of romance between Livvy and Ben. I think you could abbreviate or break up some of the longer paragraphs, especially the one starting with " Livvy was carrying a yellow kitten" and "After an aborted attempt..."
Question:
fending off hands far too familiar, (weren't these unfamiliar hands?)
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2023
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I think you did a great job with the opening like that! And already we have the key players and a hint of romance between Livvy and Ben. I think you could abbreviate or break up some of the longer paragraphs, especially the one starting with " Livvy was carrying a yellow kitten" and "After an aborted attempt..."
Question:
fending off hands far too familiar, (weren't these unfamiliar hands?)
Comment Written 15-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2023
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What I was trying to say was that the hands behaved improperly. I'll go try to fix it.
Thank you for your excellent review.
Comment from w.j.debi
This is an excellent first chapter. You introduce what I assume will be the two main characters in Liivy and Ben. They are endearing already. Your dialog is engaging and reveals much about the characters. I find Ben charming. You put us in the time and place with excellent descriptions. In fact, the opening sequence was turning my stomach. Yuck!
The only recommendation I have for improvement is for breaking up the paragraphs a bit more. Shorter paragraphs are easier on the eye and more likely to entice the reader. Example: You could break the first paragraph into three. I suggest a new paragraph at
The offender had just began...
The sour stench...
Also, the second paragraph could be easily be divided in two by starting a new paragraph at
Livvy's first concern.
These are only suggestions. This your story and you need to tell it your way.
I look forward to reading more of the story. You are a good storyteller.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2023
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This is an excellent first chapter. You introduce what I assume will be the two main characters in Liivy and Ben. They are endearing already. Your dialog is engaging and reveals much about the characters. I find Ben charming. You put us in the time and place with excellent descriptions. In fact, the opening sequence was turning my stomach. Yuck!
The only recommendation I have for improvement is for breaking up the paragraphs a bit more. Shorter paragraphs are easier on the eye and more likely to entice the reader. Example: You could break the first paragraph into three. I suggest a new paragraph at
The offender had just began...
The sour stench...
Also, the second paragraph could be easily be divided in two by starting a new paragraph at
Livvy's first concern.
These are only suggestions. This your story and you need to tell it your way.
I look forward to reading more of the story. You are a good storyteller.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2023
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Thank you for your fabulous advice. I'll be looking to see what i can do. You offered a wonderful review.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
It doesn't really work this way, I'm afraid. You might start with the girl walking on the one side because the saloons aren't so bad. Have her carrying the flour and kitten. Then have the drunk stumble into her and her kitten and sack of flour. Have drunk trying to clean her off (is his name important because he plays a part later?) If he's going to just stay a drunk, leave him nameless but do say it's his first real drunk. Ben might notice the town's layout as he walks (his horse?) and the flour to the stable. The history of the town can come out later in another chapter. Right at this time it is a silver mining town. Then have Ben go to the stable. How does this idea appeal?
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2023
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It doesn't really work this way, I'm afraid. You might start with the girl walking on the one side because the saloons aren't so bad. Have her carrying the flour and kitten. Then have the drunk stumble into her and her kitten and sack of flour. Have drunk trying to clean her off (is his name important because he plays a part later?) If he's going to just stay a drunk, leave him nameless but do say it's his first real drunk. Ben might notice the town's layout as he walks (his horse?) and the flour to the stable. The history of the town can come out later in another chapter. Right at this time it is a silver mining town. Then have Ben go to the stable. How does this idea appeal?
Comment Written 14-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2023
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I knew that it had problems.
thank you for your assist.
Comment from Wendy G
This promises t be an interesting read, Wayne. However, I would tighten up the first part as you described what happened to Livvy a few different times, and in a couple of ways. Maybe tighten up the descriptions of the saloons a bit as well. Otherwise it flowed smoothly and well.I assume Ben is still single and unattached .... (I wonder why? Perhaps that is coming?)
Wendy
Typo: "who's bent" should be "whose bent" ("Who's" is short for "who is")
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2023
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This promises t be an interesting read, Wayne. However, I would tighten up the first part as you described what happened to Livvy a few different times, and in a couple of ways. Maybe tighten up the descriptions of the saloons a bit as well. Otherwise it flowed smoothly and well.I assume Ben is still single and unattached .... (I wonder why? Perhaps that is coming?)
Wendy
Typo: "who's bent" should be "whose bent" ("Who's" is short for "who is")
Comment Written 14-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2023
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Thank you. I think I went through one last time and simply accepted 'Word' suggestions with the blue underlining. (whose)
Thank you for the great review.
Comment from Jay Squires
What a fine first chapter, both for your novel and for the contest. You introduced your characters within the action and added backstory as it related to the scene so that by the end of the chapter we knew the time frame, the historical background, and just enough of the main characters to whet the readers' appetites.
You left a full tank to power your way into the second and succeeding chapters.
Good luck with both the contest and your novel.
Jay
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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What a fine first chapter, both for your novel and for the contest. You introduced your characters within the action and added backstory as it related to the scene so that by the end of the chapter we knew the time frame, the historical background, and just enough of the main characters to whet the readers' appetites.
You left a full tank to power your way into the second and succeeding chapters.
Good luck with both the contest and your novel.
Jay
Comment Written 14-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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Thank you for your very nice review.
Comment from Mary Shifman
Well, I think this is a great first chapter. It quickly grabbed my interest and maintained it throughout. I'm not sure if you're going to post more or not, but I would like to follow it. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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Well, I think this is a great first chapter. It quickly grabbed my interest and maintained it throughout. I'm not sure if you're going to post more or not, but I would like to follow it. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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Thank you for a great review.
Yes, I do. It's about 52K words.
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You are welcome. I will keep an eye open for the next installment.
Comment from RodG
You do a lot of things well in this first chapter, Wayne. Most notably is your introduction of the two central characters, Livvy and Ben. Both are immediately likable and believable.
My biggest criticism is the amount of INFO DUMP we get at the beginning of the story about Alpine. You begin with action but take forever to tell us what happened next after Livvy was vomited on by the drunk. May I suggest giving us all that backstory about the town in bits and pieces as the story progresses. Rod
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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You do a lot of things well in this first chapter, Wayne. Most notably is your introduction of the two central characters, Livvy and Ben. Both are immediately likable and believable.
My biggest criticism is the amount of INFO DUMP we get at the beginning of the story about Alpine. You begin with action but take forever to tell us what happened next after Livvy was vomited on by the drunk. May I suggest giving us all that backstory about the town in bits and pieces as the story progresses. Rod
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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Thank you. I was fixing that very thing as you reviewed it.
Thank you for confirming the good idea.
Comment from royowen
I loved the beginning of this story. With the inauspicious meeting of Livvy and the "beautiful young man called Ben Parsons. Poor Livvy "spewed" upon by a drunk trying to escape the pull of the bar, being guided by Ben to the nearest creek, great start to a new story Wayne, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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I loved the beginning of this story. With the inauspicious meeting of Livvy and the "beautiful young man called Ben Parsons. Poor Livvy "spewed" upon by a drunk trying to escape the pull of the bar, being guided by Ben to the nearest creek, great start to a new story Wayne, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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Thank you for your fine review.
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Most welcome
Comment from Faith Williams
There are some great descriptions in your first chapter. I enjoyed reading it.
Some suggestions to consider:
'The drunken miner crashed through the double doors of the saloon, the remains of his meal mixed with beer and rotgut whiskey having exploded all over 17-year-old Livvy, Elizabeth Tolsen.' I find this sentence to be a little awkward. Maybe, 'As the drunken miner... whiskey exploded... '
'Proposals of marriage and the like were easily (enough) ignored ... but not all the time.' I'm not sure you need the word, 'enough.'
'The horse gentled.' Maybe 'settled' as opposed to 'gentled?'
As to your question about the description of the town: Maybe split it up? The part regarding the saloons where it is but move the rest of the description to after Livvy and Ben's interaction. Maybe use it as Ben walks around town?
As always, suggestions are merely suggestions. You are free to do with them as you wish though I hope that one or two of them were helpful.
Best wishes in the contest. Are you going to continue with this story?
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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There are some great descriptions in your first chapter. I enjoyed reading it.
Some suggestions to consider:
'The drunken miner crashed through the double doors of the saloon, the remains of his meal mixed with beer and rotgut whiskey having exploded all over 17-year-old Livvy, Elizabeth Tolsen.' I find this sentence to be a little awkward. Maybe, 'As the drunken miner... whiskey exploded... '
'Proposals of marriage and the like were easily (enough) ignored ... but not all the time.' I'm not sure you need the word, 'enough.'
'The horse gentled.' Maybe 'settled' as opposed to 'gentled?'
As to your question about the description of the town: Maybe split it up? The part regarding the saloons where it is but move the rest of the description to after Livvy and Ben's interaction. Maybe use it as Ben walks around town?
As always, suggestions are merely suggestions. You are free to do with them as you wish though I hope that one or two of them were helpful.
Best wishes in the contest. Are you going to continue with this story?
Comment Written 14-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2023
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Thank you. I will use your ideas and work on it. I knew it needed 'something'.