The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "The Demon of the Fallen Tree"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
7 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
It's interesting Ilati did not outright kill the demon. Maybe she has not shed all her priestess training. The action in this chapter is excellent without being overdone. Your wide use of verbs made the scene feel like a natural unfolding of events. I know I keep mentioning it, but some authors have a tendency to constantly use the same verbs. You don't.
'Rippling and writhing, the hulking figure of shadow moved through the dimness in an undulating path, growing fresh limbs with every step and absorbing the old. Its many eyes flashed like a lion's in the moonlight, a maw full of needle-like fangs dripping ichor onto the city streets that burned and corrupted even the stone. Ilati had never encountered a beast so large, greater than even a bull. A thick mane of darkness wrapped around its neck, but its back and tail bore deadly-looking spines.' Now this paragraph is a vivid and thoroughly horrifying description of the demon. And I mean it as the best compliment.
Suggestions to consider:
'It was muscle memory that drew her next arrow to her (even) as the horrible sound drove like a red-hot needle into each ear.' Delete 'even'.
'It was not enough, (even) as a second wail split the night air.' Delete 'even'.
'Ilati forced herself (up) onto her knees... ' Delete 'up'.
'The demon snatched up the weapon before she could (even) react... ' Delete 'even'.
'Ilati felt a surge of anger pour through her veins, overpowering (even) the fear left by the demon's shrieks.' Delete 'even'.
'... she exploded forward (into a charge) straight for the creature... ' Maybe change to 'charging'? You've put 'charge' into a noun, but I think switching it to a verb participle would help the action of the scene.
'The demon howled and threw itself forward to meet the charge, but Youtab veered before it could react (even) as Ilati leaned into the demon's path.' Delete 'even'.
'Ilati said, limping (back) towards the demon as blood rolled down her arm.' Delete 'back'.
As a reminder, I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
Yay for Youtab! No more hanging back hopefully. Another well-written chapter.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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It's interesting Ilati did not outright kill the demon. Maybe she has not shed all her priestess training. The action in this chapter is excellent without being overdone. Your wide use of verbs made the scene feel like a natural unfolding of events. I know I keep mentioning it, but some authors have a tendency to constantly use the same verbs. You don't.
'Rippling and writhing, the hulking figure of shadow moved through the dimness in an undulating path, growing fresh limbs with every step and absorbing the old. Its many eyes flashed like a lion's in the moonlight, a maw full of needle-like fangs dripping ichor onto the city streets that burned and corrupted even the stone. Ilati had never encountered a beast so large, greater than even a bull. A thick mane of darkness wrapped around its neck, but its back and tail bore deadly-looking spines.' Now this paragraph is a vivid and thoroughly horrifying description of the demon. And I mean it as the best compliment.
Suggestions to consider:
'It was muscle memory that drew her next arrow to her (even) as the horrible sound drove like a red-hot needle into each ear.' Delete 'even'.
'It was not enough, (even) as a second wail split the night air.' Delete 'even'.
'Ilati forced herself (up) onto her knees... ' Delete 'up'.
'The demon snatched up the weapon before she could (even) react... ' Delete 'even'.
'Ilati felt a surge of anger pour through her veins, overpowering (even) the fear left by the demon's shrieks.' Delete 'even'.
'... she exploded forward (into a charge) straight for the creature... ' Maybe change to 'charging'? You've put 'charge' into a noun, but I think switching it to a verb participle would help the action of the scene.
'The demon howled and threw itself forward to meet the charge, but Youtab veered before it could react (even) as Ilati leaned into the demon's path.' Delete 'even'.
'Ilati said, limping (back) towards the demon as blood rolled down her arm.' Delete 'back'.
As a reminder, I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
Yay for Youtab! No more hanging back hopefully. Another well-written chapter.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I hope you're having an awesome weekend. I'm glad the action wasn't overdone. It felt like a lot to balance at the time. I always appreciate your suggestions. They've been more helpful than just the general "I liked this" or "I didn't like this" that I usually get.
Comment from Zue65
Although the story is about demons, it projected those demons too, have a heart, they listen to dialogue and common sense. This could be a subtle way of shifting value tags where evil becomes good sometimes. Anyway, fiction is fiction, and you did an excellent write. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Although the story is about demons, it projected those demons too, have a heart, they listen to dialogue and common sense. This could be a subtle way of shifting value tags where evil becomes good sometimes. Anyway, fiction is fiction, and you did an excellent write. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad it came out well and I appreciate your time. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Comment from Shirley McLain
I loved this chapter. You are such an excellent writer. The action carried it forward, but you also showed compassion. I like that. I look forward to the next installment. Shirley
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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I loved this chapter. You are such an excellent writer. The action carried it forward, but you also showed compassion. I like that. I look forward to the next installment. Shirley
Comment Written 31-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate the time and attention. I think Ilati showing the creature mercy made more sense for her character as it is now. Hopefully the next installment will be as interesting. Have a wonderful day when you get this!
Comment from royowen
An excellent post, fighting the demon in its fury, she defeats it, with the help of Youtab, a great horse, well versed in battling the demon, Liati makes a bargain with the demon, on how it can restore the people it has been hurt by to cause a way of assuaging the conflict, all the time wondering if she hasn't made a mistake, beautifully written my friend, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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An excellent post, fighting the demon in its fury, she defeats it, with the help of Youtab, a great horse, well versed in battling the demon, Liati makes a bargain with the demon, on how it can restore the people it has been hurt by to cause a way of assuaging the conflict, all the time wondering if she hasn't made a mistake, beautifully written my friend, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it and your time. Thank you for being so kind. I hope you have a wonderful day.
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Well done
Comment from Brandon Clark
Awesome. Your writing is excellent and flows well making it an easy read or a page-turner if it were in print. I especially love the detail, for example where you wrote, "Rippling and writhing, the hulking figure of shadow moved through the shadow in an undulating path, growing fresh limbs with every step and absorbing the old."
Well done! Certainly, intrigued me enough to follow up and also read your other chapters as I know it will for many others!!
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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Awesome. Your writing is excellent and flows well making it an easy read or a page-turner if it were in print. I especially love the detail, for example where you wrote, "Rippling and writhing, the hulking figure of shadow moved through the shadow in an undulating path, growing fresh limbs with every step and absorbing the old."
Well done! Certainly, intrigued me enough to follow up and also read your other chapters as I know it will for many others!!
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! It was a chapter that needed to come out right, so I'm glad it did. I really appreciate your time and attention to it. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Terrific job. The battle with the demon was very well written and exciting. I love the ending with the demon ripping out the arrows after all of that and the worry. Very creative and enjoyable. It easily kept my interest.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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Terrific job. The battle with the demon was very well written and exciting. I love the ending with the demon ripping out the arrows after all of that and the worry. Very creative and enjoyable. It easily kept my interest.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate your time. I'm glad the battle was exciting. I'm definitely still learning how to write coherent action scenes. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Ricky1024
This chapter was interesting and well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no grammar issues.
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The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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This chapter was interesting and well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no grammar issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate your time and attention to it, and your kindness. I hope you have a wonderful day.
