The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "The Misfortunes of Sa Dul"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
6 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
You have definitely painted a picture of a dying Sa Dul which a reader can see in their mind.
'(Even) the banks of the river were barren of reeds, dry and pale where they should have been moist and dark.' Delete 'even'.
'... he told me (that) there was a demon plaguing Sa Dul.' Delete 'that'.
'The young men blinked, startled (that) it was Ilati who had spoken, not Eigou or Menes.' Delete 'that'.
'Ilati made a sign to avert the envious eye, aware (that) the desperation of starving souls was a danger unto itself.' Delete 'that'.
'It made sense (that) such a thing could break the natural order.' Delete 'that'.
"You said (that) you would prepare her for battle, here is a battle." Delete 'that'.
'It was a feat of dexterity (that) Ilati had yet to master.' Delete 'that'.
'Ilati turned (back) to Hedis.' Delete 'back'.
"She supposed (that) in his position, she would have felt the same.' Delete 'that'.
'Everywhere on her arms and hands (that) she could write... ' Delete 'that'.
'Her heart sank into her stomach as the waning crescent of the moon slowly crept (up the sky into the sky)' Delete the repetitive portion.
Another great chapter with great descriptions. I am looking forward to reading how Ilati handles this fight.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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You have definitely painted a picture of a dying Sa Dul which a reader can see in their mind.
'(Even) the banks of the river were barren of reeds, dry and pale where they should have been moist and dark.' Delete 'even'.
'... he told me (that) there was a demon plaguing Sa Dul.' Delete 'that'.
'The young men blinked, startled (that) it was Ilati who had spoken, not Eigou or Menes.' Delete 'that'.
'Ilati made a sign to avert the envious eye, aware (that) the desperation of starving souls was a danger unto itself.' Delete 'that'.
'It made sense (that) such a thing could break the natural order.' Delete 'that'.
"You said (that) you would prepare her for battle, here is a battle." Delete 'that'.
'It was a feat of dexterity (that) Ilati had yet to master.' Delete 'that'.
'Ilati turned (back) to Hedis.' Delete 'back'.
"She supposed (that) in his position, she would have felt the same.' Delete 'that'.
'Everywhere on her arms and hands (that) she could write... ' Delete 'that'.
'Her heart sank into her stomach as the waning crescent of the moon slowly crept (up the sky into the sky)' Delete the repetitive portion.
Another great chapter with great descriptions. I am looking forward to reading how Ilati handles this fight.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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I?m glad the descriptions were solid. Thank you again so much for reading and being so helpful. I hope you have a wonderful week and I?m sorry my replies were delayed.
Comment from Ric Myworld
As always, your omniscient eyes offer such details that us average people never see. And your word choices hit the spots like a centered red bullseye. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2022
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As always, your omniscient eyes offer such details that us average people never see. And your word choices hit the spots like a centered red bullseye. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and I'm grateful for both your time and kindness. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Wow this is long. So, I know I have told you before that you are a creative genius, but you really do have a great imagination.
Also, I looked hard for a mistake and really didn't find anything worth mentioning as far as grammar goes.
This really is a fine piece of work. Keep it up!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Wow this is long. So, I know I have told you before that you are a creative genius, but you really do have a great imagination.
Also, I looked hard for a mistake and really didn't find anything worth mentioning as far as grammar goes.
This really is a fine piece of work. Keep it up!
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2022
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. Sorry it's on the longer side. I just don't like splitting chapters into the small chunks that seem most popular here, if only because I feel like I'm losing the thread. I know it's a lot to comb through, so I really appreciate your time and effort. Have an awesome day.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Lots of tension and anticipation about the arrival of this demon. You did a great job again with your descriptions building the scenes. As always, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Shirley
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Lots of tension and anticipation about the arrival of this demon. You did a great job again with your descriptions building the scenes. As always, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Shirley
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad the tension was there. Hopefully it'll lead into the battle well. I really appreciate your time and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from royowen
I've followed your series before, or certainly something very similar, and I love the setting, reading can certainly be a great form of escape, and this is no exception. It's a sort of setting similar to what Egypt might have been in ages past. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Query : (the man of Meagan's brow furrowed) ?
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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I've followed your series before, or certainly something very similar, and I love the setting, reading can certainly be a great form of escape, and this is no exception. It's a sort of setting similar to what Egypt might have been in ages past. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Query : (the man of Meagan's brow furrowed) ?
Comment Written 25-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate your time and attention. Magan is Menes's homeland, so it's occasionally used in reference to him. It happens more in prior chapters. Again, thank you. I hope you have a wonderful day.
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Thank you for that.
Comment from Ricky1024
This chapter was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2022
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This chapter was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 23-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2022
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Thank you again for taking a look, reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a wonderful night.
