Life In The Big Shitty
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Sweet Sixteen"The first eighty years.
7 total reviews
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
I think writing stories like you have been doing for the past several posts are indeed painful. They bring up all those horrible memories you wished you didn't have. At the same time, however, for me anyway, telling my story serves as a release, a cleansing of the soul so to speak. I get it out of my system once and for all. The memories remain but maybe not all of the pain.
Para 7, 6th sentence: Remove comma after (One)
Para 1, 21st sentence: (dress It had with gold) should be (dress. It had gold)
Para 2, 1st sentence: Remove one space between (") and (You)
Para 2, 7th sentence: (the) should be (then)
Para 6, 6th sentence: (Simple) should be (simply)
Para 6, 7th sentence: PERHAPS a new paragraph beginning with (I met)
Para 6, 12th sentence: (lady) should be (land lady)
A very eventful, sad life Barb. I only hope things are getting better or already have gotten better for you.
Very interesting and detailed chronicle of a life in turmoil.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2022
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I think writing stories like you have been doing for the past several posts are indeed painful. They bring up all those horrible memories you wished you didn't have. At the same time, however, for me anyway, telling my story serves as a release, a cleansing of the soul so to speak. I get it out of my system once and for all. The memories remain but maybe not all of the pain.
Para 7, 6th sentence: Remove comma after (One)
Para 1, 21st sentence: (dress It had with gold) should be (dress. It had gold)
Para 2, 1st sentence: Remove one space between (") and (You)
Para 2, 7th sentence: (the) should be (then)
Para 6, 6th sentence: (Simple) should be (simply)
Para 6, 7th sentence: PERHAPS a new paragraph beginning with (I met)
Para 6, 12th sentence: (lady) should be (land lady)
A very eventful, sad life Barb. I only hope things are getting better or already have gotten better for you.
Very interesting and detailed chronicle of a life in turmoil.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Gary. Many more years of pain to come. I have ve already addressedsome of these. Blessings, Barbara
Comment from lyenochka
That's so sad that you judged yourself so harshly and was too ashamed of where you lived to allow the one who really cared about you to see you in that place. But you overcame a lot being a working mother at such a young age!
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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That's so sad that you judged yourself so harshly and was too ashamed of where you lived to allow the one who really cared about you to see you in that place. But you overcame a lot being a working mother at such a young age!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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Thank you. This is just the tip. Blessings, Barbara. Xo
Comment from LateBloomer
My dear Barbara, you were not the first girl to become pregnant at age 16, and you will not be the last. Your mother took the easy way out as indicated in the below statement:
My mom pretty much washed her hands of me. She told me," You made your bed, now sleep in it."
Barb, it was so easy for her to just wash her hands--do nothing, something that she had become accustomed to doing.
Also of note:
On our wedding night we went to a drive-in movie with his aunt and uncle. They took along a case of beer. The name of the movie was. The Days Of Wine And Roses.
(B, your life was anything but wine and roses, but "Days Of Wine and Roses" had a lot to do with your life, minus the roses, but leaving you with the thorns.)
Also:
There was a tinier shack next to hers, so We moved into it. I was so shamed of where I was living, I refused to let my boyfriend come to see us,
(Barb, you felt ashamed, but that shame created desire to do better and have a better life; there's nothing wrong with that. Too bad, that you didn't trust your then boyfriend enough to know that he would have loved you no matter what, but trust is difficult when you've lived a life of betrayal by your own mother.)
Question...forgive me if you wrote this and I have forgotten, what happened to your father that he became absent from the scene?
Also, where did you live when you were married at age 16? How did you and your child-husband survive?
B, you lived a lifetime of heartache. I am hoping that, other than the joy your children gave you and that is a lot of joy, other happiness found its way into your heart.
Below are some suggested changes:
Para 2, 3 lines from bottom:
had become a skid row alcoholic by the. (by then.)
Para 3, line 1:
Our wedding night I had held in my mind as a passionate night in
(On our wedding night and in my mind, I had envisioned a night of passion in)
Para 6, line 5:
esteem. The lack of experience of handling the situations and my
("these" situations)
Para 6, line 6:
hunger for affection, I'm sure played a roll. I Simple loathed myself
(simply)
Para 6, line 7:
and didn't care about me. I loved my babies. I met a nice young man
(care about "myself")
Last Para, line 3:
hers, so We moved into it. I was so shamed of where I was living, I
so "we" moved into it. I as so "ashamed" of where I was living, I
In closing, stories like your story needs to be told. The younger generation of today has no idea how difficult life can be. We live in a "sanitized society." Many people do not even want to hear or read about stories such as yours. Your story is important, and a story that should be told. Keep the blue waters of truth going. Xo. Margaret ~ LB
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
|
My dear Barbara, you were not the first girl to become pregnant at age 16, and you will not be the last. Your mother took the easy way out as indicated in the below statement:
My mom pretty much washed her hands of me. She told me," You made your bed, now sleep in it."
Barb, it was so easy for her to just wash her hands--do nothing, something that she had become accustomed to doing.
Also of note:
On our wedding night we went to a drive-in movie with his aunt and uncle. They took along a case of beer. The name of the movie was. The Days Of Wine And Roses.
(B, your life was anything but wine and roses, but "Days Of Wine and Roses" had a lot to do with your life, minus the roses, but leaving you with the thorns.)
Also:
There was a tinier shack next to hers, so We moved into it. I was so shamed of where I was living, I refused to let my boyfriend come to see us,
(Barb, you felt ashamed, but that shame created desire to do better and have a better life; there's nothing wrong with that. Too bad, that you didn't trust your then boyfriend enough to know that he would have loved you no matter what, but trust is difficult when you've lived a life of betrayal by your own mother.)
Question...forgive me if you wrote this and I have forgotten, what happened to your father that he became absent from the scene?
Also, where did you live when you were married at age 16? How did you and your child-husband survive?
B, you lived a lifetime of heartache. I am hoping that, other than the joy your children gave you and that is a lot of joy, other happiness found its way into your heart.
Below are some suggested changes:
Para 2, 3 lines from bottom:
had become a skid row alcoholic by the. (by then.)
Para 3, line 1:
Our wedding night I had held in my mind as a passionate night in
(On our wedding night and in my mind, I had envisioned a night of passion in)
Para 6, line 5:
esteem. The lack of experience of handling the situations and my
("these" situations)
Para 6, line 6:
hunger for affection, I'm sure played a roll. I Simple loathed myself
(simply)
Para 6, line 7:
and didn't care about me. I loved my babies. I met a nice young man
(care about "myself")
Last Para, line 3:
hers, so We moved into it. I was so shamed of where I was living, I
so "we" moved into it. I as so "ashamed" of where I was living, I
In closing, stories like your story needs to be told. The younger generation of today has no idea how difficult life can be. We live in a "sanitized society." Many people do not even want to hear or read about stories such as yours. Your story is important, and a story that should be told. Keep the blue waters of truth going. Xo. Margaret ~ LB
Comment Written 09-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Dear Margaret. I was about to edit it. TY for your help. I am in a hurry to finish it. There is so much more pain to come.
Blessings. Barbara. Xo
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I heavely edited this and added where we lived and how we survived. Xo.
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OK. I'll read the update. Thanks for letting me know. Xo. M
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:) TY Xo
Comment from jessizero
I am sad for you, but you told the story very well. It captured my attention at the beginning and held it all the way to the end. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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I am sad for you, but you told the story very well. It captured my attention at the beginning and held it all the way to the end. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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Thank you. jess. Blessings, Barbara. Xo
Comment from Teri7
Barbara, This is very well written and so heartbreaking as I read it. You went through a lot with your family before you got married. I can so relate to that my friend. May God bless you and help you as you write! love and blessings, teri
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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Barbara, This is very well written and so heartbreaking as I read it. You went through a lot with your family before you got married. I can so relate to that my friend. May God bless you and help you as you write! love and blessings, teri
Comment Written 09-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Teri. Amen. Blessings, Barbara. Xo
Comment from lancellot
Yes, I can see this would be an emotionally difficult story to write and share. You can write well, given this subject. Structurally, there are areas of improvement to focus on.
1) post editing. Grammarly type programs are good, so is reading out loud.
2) chorological order. There are times when things get a bit confusing. Married at 16, but divorced or almost around 18 (not really defined). but had fourth child before 22.
3) The content is fine with me, but you may want to put a sexual content warning on it for the sensitive folk.
I wore a cream-colored, street length {dress It had} with gold threads running through it.
- I wore a cream-colored, street length dress. It had with gold threads running through it.
She told me," You made your bed, now sleep in it."(. )
- remove
. Mind you, I come from a long line of drunks and my dad had become a skid row alcoholic by {the}.
-then
My mother came around with the birth of the first {grand baby}.
- grandbaby
In her usual wisdom, she said, "Don't you know what causes that?"
- It's good form separate a different speaker or actor into their own paragraph.
I Simple loathed myself and didn't care about me.
-I simply loathed myself. (no more is needed)
There was a tinier shack next to hers, so {We} moved into it.
-we
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
 |
Yes, I can see this would be an emotionally difficult story to write and share. You can write well, given this subject. Structurally, there are areas of improvement to focus on.
1) post editing. Grammarly type programs are good, so is reading out loud.
2) chorological order. There are times when things get a bit confusing. Married at 16, but divorced or almost around 18 (not really defined). but had fourth child before 22.
3) The content is fine with me, but you may want to put a sexual content warning on it for the sensitive folk.
I wore a cream-colored, street length {dress It had} with gold threads running through it.
- I wore a cream-colored, street length dress. It had with gold threads running through it.
She told me," You made your bed, now sleep in it."(. )
- remove
. Mind you, I come from a long line of drunks and my dad had become a skid row alcoholic by {the}.
-then
My mother came around with the birth of the first {grand baby}.
- grandbaby
In her usual wisdom, she said, "Don't you know what causes that?"
- It's good form separate a different speaker or actor into their own paragraph.
I Simple loathed myself and didn't care about me.
-I simply loathed myself. (no more is needed)
There was a tinier shack next to hers, so {We} moved into it.
-we
Comment Written 09-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
-
Thank you, Lancellot For the help and kind words. Blessings. Barbara. Xo
Comment from Douglas Goff
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. Falls under the category of we all make mistakes and have skeletons in the ole closet. My only minor critique would be that there are some punctuation issues with the conversation parts . Thanks for the interesting peek.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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Thanks for sharing such a personal story. Falls under the category of we all make mistakes and have skeletons in the ole closet. My only minor critique would be that there are some punctuation issues with the conversation parts . Thanks for the interesting peek.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2022
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Thank you, Douglas. Amen. I am slowly checking out of this journey, so why not let it all hang out. Well, mostly anyway. ;). Blessings, Barbara. Xo