Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Marked"From one life to another
5 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
I read an earlier chapter about Colton some time ago (perhaps a year?) and if memory serves, your writing has improved remarkably. I believe your problem then was lapsing to the past tense from the present. I didn't notice that here. Your action sequences -- I'm thinking of the fight between Iona and Locke -- were clear and graphic.
Here are a few things I noticed as I read:
Like many villages we've passed, the aftermath hard to bear. [you need a verb after "aftermath"]
With a reassuring shoulder squeeze, [Who administers the shoulder squeeze?]
Ready to take his bladder for himself. [His "bladder"? Perhaps a little more explanation would be good.]
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
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I read an earlier chapter about Colton some time ago (perhaps a year?) and if memory serves, your writing has improved remarkably. I believe your problem then was lapsing to the past tense from the present. I didn't notice that here. Your action sequences -- I'm thinking of the fight between Iona and Locke -- were clear and graphic.
Here are a few things I noticed as I read:
Like many villages we've passed, the aftermath hard to bear. [you need a verb after "aftermath"]
With a reassuring shoulder squeeze, [Who administers the shoulder squeeze?]
Ready to take his bladder for himself. [His "bladder"? Perhaps a little more explanation would be good.]
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
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Thank you for the feedback Jay Squires. It makes me happy knowing a long time reader has seen an improvement in my work.
For clarification, the bladder thing is about the mercs combating a poisonous gas. They use them as a mask, similar to the WW1 trenches. I was studying ancient Rome and the used something like these bladder masks in deep mines combat the mineral dust.
Do you have a suggestion?
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The only suggestion would be to asterisk the "bladder" reference and explain in "Author notes". Of course, too much of that can be distracting, as well.
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True, I did explain the bladder thing in earlier chapters; hopefully, that will be enough.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Missing a word (is) hard to bear, last sentence, first paragraph. Other than that, I don't spot any obvious errors. I like the story, but it seems strange that they would fight with each other even in fun. Nicely executed.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
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Missing a word (is) hard to bear, last sentence, first paragraph. Other than that, I don't spot any obvious errors. I like the story, but it seems strange that they would fight with each other even in fun. Nicely executed.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Frank Malley
This is an excellent chapter. It would have benefited from a good reader's perusal; there are subtle changes that might improve it. I think "picketed" is a typo or a misread that should've been 'pocketed.'
Using women as warriors is now almost mandatory in fantasy battle stories. In reality, there is still little evidence of the battlefield presence of women. I don't know if this is a strand of fiction that suggests a future role more common for females.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2022
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This is an excellent chapter. It would have benefited from a good reader's perusal; there are subtle changes that might improve it. I think "picketed" is a typo or a misread that should've been 'pocketed.'
Using women as warriors is now almost mandatory in fantasy battle stories. In reality, there is still little evidence of the battlefield presence of women. I don't know if this is a strand of fiction that suggests a future role more common for females.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2022
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Thanks, Frank Malley. True, there is very little proof of warrior women in history. Especially with civilizations like Rome (Which I'm using as a base for the Empire in this story.)
However, with Mercenaries and Northern barbarian tribes, I think there is some wiggle room. (Boudica being one such example)
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is excellent. I love the pacing. You take your time with this story and it makes it that much more enjoyable. The little details like scavenging for armors and weapons brings this to life in my minds eye. Very well written and enjoyable to read.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2022
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This is excellent. I love the pacing. You take your time with this story and it makes it that much more enjoyable. The little details like scavenging for armors and weapons brings this to life in my minds eye. Very well written and enjoyable to read.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Your story has the texture of long-ago wars with so much death and problems solved by fire. In paragraph two you talk of falling crimson tears, but you then say they are all dead. A body does not cry blood if it's dead. The fight between his aunt and the Captain seems rather senseless after all the battles they have fought, but I could see common soldiers fighting over a grievence.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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Your story has the texture of long-ago wars with so much death and problems solved by fire. In paragraph two you talk of falling crimson tears, but you then say they are all dead. A body does not cry blood if it's dead. The fight between his aunt and the Captain seems rather senseless after all the battles they have fought, but I could see common soldiers fighting over a grievence.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2022
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Thanks for the feedback, Carol.
For clarification, the crimson tears are a result of poison. As for the fight between Iona and Locke, they're blowing off steam more than anything else.
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Ok, the crimson tears make sense but as leaders it doesn't seem like a good idea to fight in front of troops.
