Secrets in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Secrets in the Wind - Chap 14"A story of loss, deceit, murder and crime
19 total reviews
Comment from karenina
I've never been inside a prison--even visiting (I hasten to add!) I imagine it is as taunting, threatening and tense as you've laid out here. The package with Mason's "letter" ( really a kick in the ribs, a threat and a kiss off!) was enough to jolt Cassidy out of her denial and get her angry. Good! This will open up a whole new line of intriguing reveals! Keep writing as you write. It's fabulous.
Karenina
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2021
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I've never been inside a prison--even visiting (I hasten to add!) I imagine it is as taunting, threatening and tense as you've laid out here. The package with Mason's "letter" ( really a kick in the ribs, a threat and a kiss off!) was enough to jolt Cassidy out of her denial and get her angry. Good! This will open up a whole new line of intriguing reveals! Keep writing as you write. It's fabulous.
Karenina
Comment Written 30-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2021
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Yes Mason will stop at nothing and it's a good thing if Cassidy wises up. She has a lot in front of her.
You've been so great for my heart today. I really needed that lift.
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SO glad today was a day I absolutely felt in my bones I wanted to set aside a chunk of time to give my favorite authoress a whole lot of reading and reviewing! It was a gift to myself!
Karenina
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Yes, prison life is nasty, and these female inmates are catty and rough, to say the least -- as are the prison guards. Would I want a lipstick tube someone else has "sampled"? No, thank you!
Some suggestions for an already-busy person (sorry):
Not to be outdone, Heddy screamed, "Quiet!" [should be a new paragraph, as it has a new speaker]
Sample bottles of shampoo, conditioner, soap, lotion, and cologne rolled everywhere while a sea of hands reached for them.
-->
Sample bottles of shampoo, conditioner, soap, lotion, and cologne rolled everywhere, while a sea of hands reached for them.
It looked like heaven at the moment.
-->
It looked like Heaven at the moment. [Heaven can be capitalized, being a place.]
and she handed it back to Allie."
-->
and she handed it back to Allie.
Suggestion: put the letter from Mason in a different font or color than the other text.
***
So the crooked Mason is hobnobbing with politicians, and buying Cassidy's silence by (possibly, among other things) subsidizing her mother's health care. Having a disabled mother myself, I know how crucial something like that can be.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2021
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Yes, prison life is nasty, and these female inmates are catty and rough, to say the least -- as are the prison guards. Would I want a lipstick tube someone else has "sampled"? No, thank you!
Some suggestions for an already-busy person (sorry):
Not to be outdone, Heddy screamed, "Quiet!" [should be a new paragraph, as it has a new speaker]
Sample bottles of shampoo, conditioner, soap, lotion, and cologne rolled everywhere while a sea of hands reached for them.
-->
Sample bottles of shampoo, conditioner, soap, lotion, and cologne rolled everywhere, while a sea of hands reached for them.
It looked like heaven at the moment.
-->
It looked like Heaven at the moment. [Heaven can be capitalized, being a place.]
and she handed it back to Allie."
-->
and she handed it back to Allie.
Suggestion: put the letter from Mason in a different font or color than the other text.
***
So the crooked Mason is hobnobbing with politicians, and buying Cassidy's silence by (possibly, among other things) subsidizing her mother's health care. Having a disabled mother myself, I know how crucial something like that can be.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2021
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Yes, I remember when they told me the chemo shots for my mother would be $28,000 a shot, I almost died on the spot...fortunately her insurance picked most of it up. Even Mike's $4000 a month insulin would have be impossible. I think the drug charges are crazy!
Thanks for reading and reviewing. You always help me so much.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I not sure if I should comment on the prison particulars of this. Some writers of fiction, go for authentic things and do research for the realism and so things do come back on them in later chapters, and there are some where there are no rules, everything is fiction and their world had no set rules.
Your writing and story telling are excellent.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Hmm, I not sure if I should comment on the prison particulars of this. Some writers of fiction, go for authentic things and do research for the realism and so things do come back on them in later chapters, and there are some where there are no rules, everything is fiction and their world had no set rules.
Your writing and story telling are excellent.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Thanks, lancellot
I have only been inside a prison once (one time too many) visiting someone and it was beyond horrible. So my experience isn't the greatest. I did research women's stories and the prisons and couldn't believe how many conflicting versions there where. So I wrote what I felt and hoped it would pass for close reality. Since that's the last scene in the prison...I won't have to deal with any more of the creepy stuff. If I made any major faux pas, please let me know.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
Another excellent chapter, Carol. I was trying to figure out how Mason was going to get to Cassidy. You got it done perfectly. I fall further and further behind in reviewing, but I'm trying to at least get the continuing stories that I like reviewed if I can.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2021
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Another excellent chapter, Carol. I was trying to figure out how Mason was going to get to Cassidy. You got it done perfectly. I fall further and further behind in reviewing, but I'm trying to at least get the continuing stories that I like reviewed if I can.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2021
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Hope you are having a terrific time and enjoying yourself. Guess you survived the bus ride. LOL
Thanks, Judy, for continuing to read, review and enjoy the story...I am afraid Cassidy has more in store for her and Allie.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Beejay
I feel my review ,although I thoroughly enjoyed your work and gave it five stars, doesn't t really do you justice. Not having read your previous work I was thrust into the middle of your book,Secrets in the Wind. Your characters are very believable but as yet I'm not sure who I sympathise and empathise with.. I thought I felt for Cassidy...but my emotions, whilst reading, kept swapping and changing. I loved reading it and can't wait to read more of your work.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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I feel my review ,although I thoroughly enjoyed your work and gave it five stars, doesn't t really do you justice. Not having read your previous work I was thrust into the middle of your book,Secrets in the Wind. Your characters are very believable but as yet I'm not sure who I sympathise and empathise with.. I thought I felt for Cassidy...but my emotions, whilst reading, kept swapping and changing. I loved reading it and can't wait to read more of your work.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Good morning, Beejay
Because you have been so generous in reading and reviewing my work this morning, I went to your profile to see if we could share and be friends.... I was disappointed to discover it empty. I am honored that you found interest in my writing and have enjoyed what I post. I hope we will become friends and you will continue to follow the story. Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from lyenochka
Hooray - Cassidy finally sees the light and how deceived she was about Mason. I guess that was his mean break-up letter. I was a little confused as to what happened while the prisoners were waiting to get back to their cells. Someone tripped Cassidy. Was the box in her hands? And then someone was holding back Allie to keep her from helping Cassidy? It's amazing that the box and letter got to the cell.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Hooray - Cassidy finally sees the light and how deceived she was about Mason. I guess that was his mean break-up letter. I was a little confused as to what happened while the prisoners were waiting to get back to their cells. Someone tripped Cassidy. Was the box in her hands? And then someone was holding back Allie to keep her from helping Cassidy? It's amazing that the box and letter got to the cell.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Yes, they tripped her so they could grab the things as they spilled out of the box. some stayed inside the box but most scattered across the floor. They aren't nice girls in that prison!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
What a jerk. Not only sending veiled threats but also intimating that he's already moving on, I guess. Jerk, jerk, jerk. I always wonder how sweet girls can be so fooled.
One small note:
--> Her eyes widened, and she handed it back to Allie."
--> no quote mark at the end.
YAY! Great job (for you) and I'm all caught up!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Carol,
What a jerk. Not only sending veiled threats but also intimating that he's already moving on, I guess. Jerk, jerk, jerk. I always wonder how sweet girls can be so fooled.
One small note:
--> Her eyes widened, and she handed it back to Allie."
--> no quote mark at the end.
YAY! Great job (for you) and I'm all caught up!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Hurrah! Now you are ahead of me...I still have all these reviews and then writing... Maybe I will fall behind on the writing...or maybe not. LOL Thanks again. Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from J. P. Olesen
Hi, Begin Again,
I wanted to stop by and look over your profile page after your thoughtful remarks about my story "Oblivion," and I'm glad that I did.
It's sometimes difficult to jump into the middle of a book in progress and make sense of things, but this Chapter was so well-written and a work unto itself, that none of that mattered. I was carried off by what I was reading, and that's what good writing does.
I think you've captured the reality of forced confinement--and ain't "all for one and one for all." No one watches the guards, and the inmates feed off each other. Usually, the best you can hope for is a symbiotic relationship with your cellmate, but sometimes, as with Allie and Cassidy there's a friendship.
If there's anything to improve on, I might try to "dirty it up" a little more--bad smells, coarser language, dingy atmosphere, etc.--which is very tricky to do depending on the overall feel of what you've already written and what your going for. For example, near the middle of the story, you describe the cell as an 8x10 room, whereas maybe "cage" might be better. And, are small sample bottles of cologne allowed in those places?
Little stuff like that.
But this...is...nitpicking. Your writing, to my eye, is flawless, so it's clear you've worked exceptionally hard perfecting it. And, a dope like me can jump in the middle of your work and see that Cassidy is in awful situation and you feel badly for her--which is what good writing should do.
Very, very nicely done!
Yours sincerely,
J. P.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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Hi, Begin Again,
I wanted to stop by and look over your profile page after your thoughtful remarks about my story "Oblivion," and I'm glad that I did.
It's sometimes difficult to jump into the middle of a book in progress and make sense of things, but this Chapter was so well-written and a work unto itself, that none of that mattered. I was carried off by what I was reading, and that's what good writing does.
I think you've captured the reality of forced confinement--and ain't "all for one and one for all." No one watches the guards, and the inmates feed off each other. Usually, the best you can hope for is a symbiotic relationship with your cellmate, but sometimes, as with Allie and Cassidy there's a friendship.
If there's anything to improve on, I might try to "dirty it up" a little more--bad smells, coarser language, dingy atmosphere, etc.--which is very tricky to do depending on the overall feel of what you've already written and what your going for. For example, near the middle of the story, you describe the cell as an 8x10 room, whereas maybe "cage" might be better. And, are small sample bottles of cologne allowed in those places?
Little stuff like that.
But this...is...nitpicking. Your writing, to my eye, is flawless, so it's clear you've worked exceptionally hard perfecting it. And, a dope like me can jump in the middle of your work and see that Cassidy is in awful situation and you feel badly for her--which is what good writing should do.
Very, very nicely done!
Yours sincerely,
J. P.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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Hi J.P..... Thank you for stopping by to read my story... It has a zillion twists and turns and I so wished you had been here for the beginning... but I can always catch you up if you might be interested or the chapters are terribly long to read. Or maybe you just want to come and go and that will be fine with me as well. I am looking to share my writing with others and learn from theirs as well. I am thrilled that you enjoyed this chapter... I could have gotten grittier but lots of the readers don't care for that so I try and stay mainstream... some get squeamish with murders. LOL
Thank you again for all the kind kudos and I hope to see you again.
Smiles and have a great day!
Carol
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
So the man who declared his love and was supposed to get her out of jail is going on a cruise with another woman. What does that mean? Well, it means there is no help coming from him and the dire straights she finds herself in, will not change. Allie, however, sees this as an opening, since
she has declared she hates him. Whatever she knows may be grist for the mill.
Ralf
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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So the man who declared his love and was supposed to get her out of jail is going on a cruise with another woman. What does that mean? Well, it means there is no help coming from him and the dire straights she finds herself in, will not change. Allie, however, sees this as an opening, since
she has declared she hates him. Whatever she knows may be grist for the mill.
Ralf
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2021
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Hi Ralf
Yes, a real charmer isn't he? One of my readers wants to spray him with rodent killer.... I'm on her side too! thanks for the review and kind words.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Susan Newell
This one is better and I have made mostly tweaks and suggestions where you have room for enhancement. You still shy away from narrative sections, but I know you can nail them down. It's not always that things are "wrong," but there are a number of opportunities for expansion and more engagement with the reader. The narrative can be very useful in providing atmosphere and describing surroundings, even if it's just being more descriptive of items -- thus showing us what is happening. Try to find vocabulary words that offer more. Like walk could be limp, saunter, etc. depending on circumstances. That's a way of showing while you're telling.
was on the roll call. -- don't need call; you say mail call immediately after
handmade pictures -- you can do better (crayon drawings? finger paintings?
Squeals of delight with friends sharing or someone crying or distraught from bad news from home filled every corner. -- they need to share *something*; commas after sharing xxxxx and after home
Disgruntled voices from those who didn't hear their name called. -- not a complete sentence. Could begin, "Disgruntled voices arose . . " (or another more descriptive verb)
Torn pieces of a magazine were discarded after a fight to claim what didn't belong to them. -- Doesn't make sense. Them would apply to magazines. You need more about the fight to steal a magazine.
Your women seem to do a lot of buckling, collapsing and fainting. Maybe something less extreme -- like knees were still shaking as she hunched over to slide onto the bench
Allie and Cassidy fell in near the end of the line. -- of the line is superfluous.
sent her sprawling across the hall. -- end at sprawling. The rest slows the action and is obvious.
Allie was shoved, falling across Cassidy -- sneaky participle again. ==> shoved down and landed crosswise on Cassidy, who was still on the floor.
she scrambled inside ==> better to say into; inside gives the impression that she's scrambling around within it
crawled through the door as the bars shut. -- you could beef this up by having the barred door drive her foot into the cell
A chorus of women mocked her, -- how about "joined in the mocking" to confirm that the first Boohoo! Was from an inmate?
shut their taunts out. -- better as shut out their taunts. It's good to avoid ending with a preposition.
and she handed it back to Allie." -- Extraneous quote mark
Cassidy crumbled the letter == crumpled
The floodgates opened -- this is a little trite and I know you can do better. Show us how she felt. What emotions could be read on her face?
Just as a final note. I'm being no tougher on you than I am on myself. I never edit myself less than three or more times. I make the same kinds of mistakes on the first write, just getting it down on paper. Then I go back and massage things, looking for better syntax and vocabulary, missing cues, etc.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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This one is better and I have made mostly tweaks and suggestions where you have room for enhancement. You still shy away from narrative sections, but I know you can nail them down. It's not always that things are "wrong," but there are a number of opportunities for expansion and more engagement with the reader. The narrative can be very useful in providing atmosphere and describing surroundings, even if it's just being more descriptive of items -- thus showing us what is happening. Try to find vocabulary words that offer more. Like walk could be limp, saunter, etc. depending on circumstances. That's a way of showing while you're telling.
was on the roll call. -- don't need call; you say mail call immediately after
handmade pictures -- you can do better (crayon drawings? finger paintings?
Squeals of delight with friends sharing or someone crying or distraught from bad news from home filled every corner. -- they need to share *something*; commas after sharing xxxxx and after home
Disgruntled voices from those who didn't hear their name called. -- not a complete sentence. Could begin, "Disgruntled voices arose . . " (or another more descriptive verb)
Torn pieces of a magazine were discarded after a fight to claim what didn't belong to them. -- Doesn't make sense. Them would apply to magazines. You need more about the fight to steal a magazine.
Your women seem to do a lot of buckling, collapsing and fainting. Maybe something less extreme -- like knees were still shaking as she hunched over to slide onto the bench
Allie and Cassidy fell in near the end of the line. -- of the line is superfluous.
sent her sprawling across the hall. -- end at sprawling. The rest slows the action and is obvious.
Allie was shoved, falling across Cassidy -- sneaky participle again. ==> shoved down and landed crosswise on Cassidy, who was still on the floor.
she scrambled inside ==> better to say into; inside gives the impression that she's scrambling around within it
crawled through the door as the bars shut. -- you could beef this up by having the barred door drive her foot into the cell
A chorus of women mocked her, -- how about "joined in the mocking" to confirm that the first Boohoo! Was from an inmate?
shut their taunts out. -- better as shut out their taunts. It's good to avoid ending with a preposition.
and she handed it back to Allie." -- Extraneous quote mark
Cassidy crumbled the letter == crumpled
The floodgates opened -- this is a little trite and I know you can do better. Show us how she felt. What emotions could be read on her face?
Just as a final note. I'm being no tougher on you than I am on myself. I never edit myself less than three or more times. I make the same kinds of mistakes on the first write, just getting it down on paper. Then I go back and massage things, looking for better syntax and vocabulary, missing cues, etc.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2021
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Cassidy crumpled the letter and tossed it across the room. ?I hate him.?
Her angry words were usurped by her facial expression. Pure, unadulterated vengeance oozed from her clenched jaw, furrowed brows, and reddened skin. Her balled fists pressed against her legs. The mounting pressure snapped her tightly wound nerves and the floodgates opened, spilling the tears.
I am thrilled that you continue to get on my case and remind me that I can do better. And I certainly appreciate the accolades and all the support.
We are approaching the anniversary of the last week with Mike and his death and I know I struggle to keep my head on straight. He would want me to do this I know, but often I get to thinking about other things....Maybe Mike's whispering in your ear at night telling you to whip me back into shape. LOL
I think I have it all fixed as you suggested. It was easier that the last chapter. Thank you... Snilesm Carol
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I like tour new words. I knew you had it locked up in there. Yes, maybe Mike is wanting me to let you know he's okay and wants you to write and be okay, too. Stranger things have happened.