Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Your loop poem is in great form! And you're message is so important for all of us for whatever reason, cannot say NO. But we can gain much by not agreeing to give our all for nothing. Certainly, we were raised to please and sometimes to our detriment. Best wishes in the contest!

 Comment Written 01-May-2021

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reply by the author on 03-May-2021

Thanks, lyenochka. Any suggestions for improvement?

reply by lyenochka on 03-May-2021

The meter is choppy so I'd read it aloud and see if you can't keep to a regular beat and number of syllables. For the second stanza, you might consider changing:
Though it's all that remains.
To: It's all that now remains

But don't just use it if it's not what you mean. I just offer the change to give you an idea for the sound difference.

reply by the author on 03-May-2021

Yeah, it does sound awkward. I kept it "Though" so that it could remain a loop poem in structure. (Last word, first word) But yeah, there may be a better way to word that.

reply by lyenochka on 03-May-2021

Rats, I forgot it was a loop so ignore that. Unless you change the previous word. I guess loop poems can't be iambic because the last word will be stressed but the first word isn't.

reply by lyenochka on 03-May-2021

No, I think you built the scenario, gave the key question and concluded with affirming your son's perceptive evaluation! He sounds brilliant!

Comment from Anne Johnston

Excellent

You did very well on this loop poem, and the rhyming is good. We all need to learn to say no when people ask things of us that we don't have time for or will take us away from more important things.

 Comment Written 01-May-2021

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reply by the author on 03-May-2021

Thanks for the review, Anne. Any suggestions for improvement? :)