One Sunny Night
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "One Sunny Night-Chapter 9"Romance of visitor to Alaska
14 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
Your story is so interesting to read, MissA, and more so because of your intimate knowledge of Alaska. You are without a doubt the right person to write about this state. It provides a wonderful backdrop for your romantic story and the details you offer add to the enjoyment the reader feels. I am enjoying this story immensely, and in this chapter, could only find one sentence I thought might be improved. You are doing a super job in the editing department.
Here 'tis:
*** It wanted her to work out both advantages and disadvantages in building a seven-hundred-foot dam in the middle of nowhere. (I feel the words "it wanted her" should be changed to: "It seemed she was expected to..." simply because the "company" to which "it" refers really doesn't think, but the people do. This skirts that troublesome issue.
This is such fun! Keep going!
Hugs, from your buddy, MissM
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Your story is so interesting to read, MissA, and more so because of your intimate knowledge of Alaska. You are without a doubt the right person to write about this state. It provides a wonderful backdrop for your romantic story and the details you offer add to the enjoyment the reader feels. I am enjoying this story immensely, and in this chapter, could only find one sentence I thought might be improved. You are doing a super job in the editing department.
Here 'tis:
*** It wanted her to work out both advantages and disadvantages in building a seven-hundred-foot dam in the middle of nowhere. (I feel the words "it wanted her" should be changed to: "It seemed she was expected to..." simply because the "company" to which "it" refers really doesn't think, but the people do. This skirts that troublesome issue.
This is such fun! Keep going!
Hugs, from your buddy, MissM
Comment Written 15-May-2021
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Thanks so much. I wholly agree to editing like this. I've taken a vacation from writing so must get back to this story. Your encouragement will get me back at it right now! Your inspiration comes my way, MissM.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Yay--she dumped the dick! I like where this is headed. Well done.
You are full of surprise=>SURPRISES."
sugg rework: By holding her daughter's chin, it seemed a deep motherly survey was detecting feelings not yet admitted.
GREAT FIX!
the end [OF] a more-than-adventurous flight.
thank-you card.
Without feeling it was [OMIT: not] complete or effective, she finally turned it in
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2021
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Yay--she dumped the dick! I like where this is headed. Well done.
You are full of surprise=>SURPRISES."
sugg rework: By holding her daughter's chin, it seemed a deep motherly survey was detecting feelings not yet admitted.
GREAT FIX!
the end [OF] a more-than-adventurous flight.
thank-you card.
Without feeling it was [OMIT: not] complete or effective, she finally turned it in
Comment Written 27-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2021
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I agree with all the points you caught. Thanks a million. It is a big treat to get a review from you!
Comment from Goodadvicechan
I can see why they break-up from Danielle's conversation. She said, "Fancy vineyard wine cleared my view of Kevin. Helped me see what really matters to him is himself. Himself alone. It made me see he has no interest in what I want or who I really am. He never even asks me about my family."
I miss the previous chapters... I seems this is not the first time she broke up with a man... She maybe perfectionist...
I like to catch up with the next chapter.
Good work, Happy writing.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2021
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I can see why they break-up from Danielle's conversation. She said, "Fancy vineyard wine cleared my view of Kevin. Helped me see what really matters to him is himself. Himself alone. It made me see he has no interest in what I want or who I really am. He never even asks me about my family."
I miss the previous chapters... I seems this is not the first time she broke up with a man... She maybe perfectionist...
I like to catch up with the next chapter.
Good work, Happy writing.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2021
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Many thanks for your encouragement and for viewing this chapter as acceptable. I hope to get the next done in a week.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
ALASKA STORY:
Lucky, Danielle. I doubt that she expected that good news - or should I say great news(?) to return to Alaska. What are the chances she will be able to see the handsome and wealthy Stewart Bryant? Looking forward to your next post.
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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ALASKA STORY:
Lucky, Danielle. I doubt that she expected that good news - or should I say great news(?) to return to Alaska. What are the chances she will be able to see the handsome and wealthy Stewart Bryant? Looking forward to your next post.
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 26-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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I very much appreciate your review. I hoping to come up with the next chapter before too long. Thanks so much.
Comment from Bluesatinbutterfly
I enjoyed this very much, it was fast paced but felt unhurried, no mean feat :) I am interested in the characters now and what happens next to them too. Thank you.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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I enjoyed this very much, it was fast paced but felt unhurried, no mean feat :) I am interested in the characters now and what happens next to them too. Thank you.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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I appreciate your comments. Thanks so much for reviewing this chapter.
Comment from Sanku
This is the first time I am reading your post .But I could get the thread of the story easily. I will go back and read the previous chapters when I have time
It looks like a lovely romance and I dont want to miss it...
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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This is the first time I am reading your post .But I could get the thread of the story easily. I will go back and read the previous chapters when I have time
It looks like a lovely romance and I dont want to miss it...
Comment Written 26-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Thanks so much for taking time to read this. I appreciate your review.
Comment from Mastery
Hello, my ear friend, Marie. Well written story-line so far, my friend. Good images and dialogue.
I have one suggestion here: "Colette, such talk," her mother frowned."
Reverse this. And always put the action first like this: "Her mother frowned. : "Colette, such talk."
Further Suggestions, if I may: Change this:
"The sound of a fumbling key made Ginger open their apartment door." because the sound is not one that readily comes to mind. Instead, make it, "The sound of a jangling keys made Ginger open their apartment door. (or just start this differently altogether)
Also: I would reword this, were it me: ""Home early, it's hardly after ten. Dani, your hair is messed up. What happened with Kevin?"
Change to: "You're home so early, it's just after ten. Your hair is a mess. did something happen between you and Kevin?"
Keep rolling. good story going here, my friend. :) Bob
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Hello, my ear friend, Marie. Well written story-line so far, my friend. Good images and dialogue.
I have one suggestion here: "Colette, such talk," her mother frowned."
Reverse this. And always put the action first like this: "Her mother frowned. : "Colette, such talk."
Further Suggestions, if I may: Change this:
"The sound of a fumbling key made Ginger open their apartment door." because the sound is not one that readily comes to mind. Instead, make it, "The sound of a jangling keys made Ginger open their apartment door. (or just start this differently altogether)
Also: I would reword this, were it me: ""Home early, it's hardly after ten. Dani, your hair is messed up. What happened with Kevin?"
Change to: "You're home so early, it's just after ten. Your hair is a mess. did something happen between you and Kevin?"
Keep rolling. good story going here, my friend. :) Bob
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2021
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Oh, I must agree on the changes you suggest. I very much appreciate the reasons you give. Thanks so much for all your help, Bob.
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So glad to help, dear friend. Bob
Comment from forestport12
I liked the crisp dialogue the best. It felt like real conversation, which is never easy to achieve. Did they, "clink lightly filled glasses or click?" I wonder if I hear a clink instead of a click, or maybe I read it wrong. Story moves along at a nice pace. How is your selling of books doing. YOU have a strong niche with young adult market, esp. with Alaska history.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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I liked the crisp dialogue the best. It felt like real conversation, which is never easy to achieve. Did they, "clink lightly filled glasses or click?" I wonder if I hear a clink instead of a click, or maybe I read it wrong. Story moves along at a nice pace. How is your selling of books doing. YOU have a strong niche with young adult market, esp. with Alaska history.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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I think you caught it. Clink would be better. I'll get busy and change it. Thanks so much for reviewing it.
Comment from lyenochka
Hooray, Danielle will get to go back to Alaska. And it seems her whole family is rooting for her to match up with Stewart. I liked how you used the younger sister to say things that Danielle could not. Her mother already knew and her dad seems to like him, too.
One minor word choice suggestion:
Danielle stunningly stared at her boss. (Stunned, Danielle stared at her boss.) or something else. "Stunningly" is an awkward adverb.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Hooray, Danielle will get to go back to Alaska. And it seems her whole family is rooting for her to match up with Stewart. I liked how you used the younger sister to say things that Danielle could not. Her mother already knew and her dad seems to like him, too.
One minor word choice suggestion:
Danielle stunningly stared at her boss. (Stunned, Danielle stared at her boss.) or something else. "Stunningly" is an awkward adverb.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Thanks a million for your review and for suggestions. I'll check it out. Big hug for enjoying it, Helen.
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💖💖
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Alaska, I love reading your stories because they carry not only descriptions of your beautiful Alaska, but also the people that live there, that work there, And sometimes fall in love With both the people, and the wide open spaces.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Dear Alaska, I love reading your stories because they carry not only descriptions of your beautiful Alaska, but also the people that live there, that work there, And sometimes fall in love With both the people, and the wide open spaces.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2021
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Thanks so much for reading this chapter and for your comments. I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Suzanna.