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Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "The Lumpy Hills"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
11 total reviews
Comment from AnnieDawn
For one who has not run into your work before, you did a great job of making the characters come alive and setting the scene so the chapter was like a story in itself. It kept my interest through the whole chapter. Great writing and well done.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020
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For one who has not run into your work before, you did a great job of making the characters come alive and setting the scene so the chapter was like a story in itself. It kept my interest through the whole chapter. Great writing and well done.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. You are welcome to read the previous chapters on my portfolio. There is no need for you to write a review. Just enjoy.
Comment from Carmen Ducharme
I enjoyed reading your chapter in the book .I like how you gave me a few hints of your previous chapters back ground in your first couple of paragraphs .Thank you for sharing God Bless
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020
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I enjoyed reading your chapter in the book .I like how you gave me a few hints of your previous chapters back ground in your first couple of paragraphs .Thank you for sharing God Bless
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. You are welcome to read the previous chapters on my portfolio. There is no need for you to write a review. Just enjoy.
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😊
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is a well written and enjoyable chapter. You do a terrific job with dialogue (internal and regular) in sharing the thoughts of your character. I wonder if some of the internal dialogue could be expressed out loud. I think showing vulnerability could open up conflict. But a strong and well written chapter.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020
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This is a well written and enjoyable chapter. You do a terrific job with dialogue (internal and regular) in sharing the thoughts of your character. I wonder if some of the internal dialogue could be expressed out loud. I think showing vulnerability could open up conflict. But a strong and well written chapter.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your involved review. Much of the internal dialogue is because Linda would never understand what happened in Chap 17. Go to my portfolio to read. There is no need to write a review. If you read it you will understand. They are dear friends but very different.
Comment from Jay Squires
Well, Liz, I'm back again. I enjoyed this chapter, thanks to the pace and the tempo of the narrative you led me on.
I do see something I must call to your attention. You have an inordinate amount of introspection going on. For the most part, that can add realism to the storyline. The problem is when you use it as a kind of author intrusion, in other words as a way to convey information to the reader that he or she will need to understand what has happened earlier or will happen later on. The writer generally knows when he/she is doing this, and that's good because it means they can opt to not do it.
Here's the key: If it is something that can be acted out between the characters, through their dialogue, or hinted at through your description of a character's bodily action in response to something in the environment, that is much better. It's the old adage: Show, don't tell. The reader wants to have the drama acted out (on the screen of their imagination). That's a long way from saying to watch out that you are not using the character's thoughts to tell what happened or what will happen.
All in all, you entertained me with your story. Who could ask for more?
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2020
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Well, Liz, I'm back again. I enjoyed this chapter, thanks to the pace and the tempo of the narrative you led me on.
I do see something I must call to your attention. You have an inordinate amount of introspection going on. For the most part, that can add realism to the storyline. The problem is when you use it as a kind of author intrusion, in other words as a way to convey information to the reader that he or she will need to understand what has happened earlier or will happen later on. The writer generally knows when he/she is doing this, and that's good because it means they can opt to not do it.
Here's the key: If it is something that can be acted out between the characters, through their dialogue, or hinted at through your description of a character's bodily action in response to something in the environment, that is much better. It's the old adage: Show, don't tell. The reader wants to have the drama acted out (on the screen of their imagination). That's a long way from saying to watch out that you are not using the character's thoughts to tell what happened or what will happen.
All in all, you entertained me with your story. Who could ask for more?
Comment Written 24-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your invested review. The thinking is about what happened to Liz in Chap 17. It was a ceremonial situation in a dream that Linda would not understand. It was traumatic for Liz and she's taking a long time to sort it out. Skip back to Chap 17 and you will understand why Liz has such a rampant inner dialogue.
Comment from RShipp
'Picking it up, That's much better, much lighter.' (Emptying the pack- good idea!)
'I just wanted to get away from the sound and now here we are walking toward it." ... (I was thinking the same thing.)
Enjoyed.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2020
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'Picking it up, That's much better, much lighter.' (Emptying the pack- good idea!)
'I just wanted to get away from the sound and now here we are walking toward it." ... (I was thinking the same thing.)
Enjoyed.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2020
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Your review brought a smile to my face. Thank you for your humor.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Oh goodness.... from that and then into a lumpy valley (what a fun term) with chain saws!! ;) Another great adventure beginning here, I see... ;) Thanx for sharing! ;)
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2020
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Oh goodness.... from that and then into a lumpy valley (what a fun term) with chain saws!! ;) Another great adventure beginning here, I see... ;) Thanx for sharing! ;)
Comment Written 24-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2020
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Your review brought a smile to my face. Thank you for your humor.
Comment from Susan X Smith
You have created an atmosphere of isolation where the two friends are alone, except for the possible intruder in the form of the chainsaw holder. The tension builds up slowly but surely until the end of this segment. I wonder what comes next.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2020
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You have created an atmosphere of isolation where the two friends are alone, except for the possible intruder in the form of the chainsaw holder. The tension builds up slowly but surely until the end of this segment. I wonder what comes next.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your involved review. I'm glad you are enjoying it. If you haven't read some of the previous chapters, feel free to check them out in my portfolio. There is no need for a review, just enjoy.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Liz. I had a bit of trouble following this story for some reason. A couple of things, if i may: Italics are used most often for relating a person's thoughts. You have a lot of italics in this chapter and it is confusing.
Also, Most speech tags should be simply "he said" "she said" even though they may sound trite after a while So in this passage:"Linda offered"
""That chain saw is a serious one, it can do a lot of damage, fast. It's a 2 stroke chainsaw from the sounds of it." Linda offered" is not needed and replace
Good story here, keep it going, Liz. Bob
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2020
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Hi Liz. I had a bit of trouble following this story for some reason. A couple of things, if i may: Italics are used most often for relating a person's thoughts. You have a lot of italics in this chapter and it is confusing.
Also, Most speech tags should be simply "he said" "she said" even though they may sound trite after a while So in this passage:"Linda offered"
""That chain saw is a serious one, it can do a lot of damage, fast. It's a 2 stroke chainsaw from the sounds of it." Linda offered" is not needed and replace
Good story here, keep it going, Liz. Bob
Comment Written 22-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm conflicted because some reviewers say using "said" is tedious, find another word. So, there it is. The italics are an effort to "show not "tell". The same with the thinking parts.
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Look in Strunk and White's little punctuation bible for more on tags. You will see. Just curious....who was one of the reviewers that told you it was tedious? Exactly my point. Many people think that way. None of my books have any other tag than "he said" she said" for example. I'd say do as you wish, Liz Bob
Comment from lyenochka
I liked the "chainsaw connoisseur" comment as I wouldn't know what that sound would be. Great job in showing us how disoriented Liz feels after her crow nightmare. Seems like their new adventure will start soon.
One comment:
teased Linda. You might want
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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2020
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I liked the "chainsaw connoisseur" comment as I wouldn't know what that sound would be. Great job in showing us how disoriented Liz feels after her crow nightmare. Seems like their new adventure will start soon.
One comment:
teased Linda. You might want
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Comment Written 21-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. You are right, they will investigate.
Comment from aryr
A great continuation chapter Liz. Poor Liz is truly confused with her dream adventure with the crows, not that she would divulge that adventure with Linda after hearing her dream. I gather neither of them really want to follow the sounds of the chainsaw but they will. This will in turn lead them to their next adventure. Well done, very much enjoyed.
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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2020
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A great continuation chapter Liz. Poor Liz is truly confused with her dream adventure with the crows, not that she would divulge that adventure with Linda after hearing her dream. I gather neither of them really want to follow the sounds of the chainsaw but they will. This will in turn lead them to their next adventure. Well done, very much enjoyed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your involved review...you're right ...they will.
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You are very welcome Liz, great reading.