Exceptional At The Beach Story contest entry Our St. Petersburg Vacation by DragonSkulls At the Beach contest entry

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language. On the 4th of July, I took my family to St. Petersburg Beach for a fun day of sunshine and sand castles. I had a cold brew in my coolie, an umbrella to shade me from sun's heat and my slick Ray-Ban sunglasses on. My baby lay soakin' in the rays, lookin' fine as hell. My two youngest kids were burying each other in the sand. My oldest was out in the water with her boyfriend, because he just had to come along or she would simply die without him and surely make my whole existence and vacation one big miserable failure if I didn't. Three sips into my tasty Corona, I was feeling like their TV commercial. Oh yeah, relaxed. The only thing missing was two palm trees and the hammock I'd be lying in. That's when someone yelled, "SHARK!" I spotted my girl and her dip-shit boyfriend way the hell out there. "Great." The first thing I thought of was, "Damn, now my beer's gonna get warm." I jumped up and ran for the water as they swam for shore, just like the thirty eight thousand, nine hundred and fourteen other people. Yes, the beach was slightly crowded that day. That's when I spotted the fin, it was true; a shark. I dove into the waves and swam with everything I had to get to my daughter. It could have eaten her boyfriend and I probably wouldn't have cared too much but she was further out than him. The shark and I were racing to get to my daughter first. I splashed out of the water as high as I could right while passing her and came down with an elbow, like a pro wrestler, blasting its snout atop the gaping mouth full of teeth. This thing had to be ten foot long. This wasn't going to be easy. It instantly twisted, chomping for another attempt. I jerked back to avoid my head from becoming the appetizer. Earlier that day, we stopped at the dollar store, where everything costs a buck, for some last minute swimming stuff. One thing I bought was a cheapie necklace that had a little charm of Florida on it. Well, when its jaws snapped in front of my face, it latched onto this dollar store necklace, breaking it from around my neck. "Oh, hell no." I was getting that necklace back. Like Mike Tyson, I uppercut its massive jaw and that's when it turned to flee. As it spun, I grabbed onto its dorsal fin and hung on. It was like the scene from a bull riding rodeo movie, but I wasn't letting go. I was determined to, some way, some how, get that dollar store necklace back. After five miles of thrashing in and out of the ocean waves, the helicopter spotted me and the Coast Guard finally caught up. I reach around the side of its head and slid my fingers in the corner of its mouth. I tugged to the side and started steering the shark like a horse. We headed straight for the ship. The guard on the front deck had his M-16 aimed right at the shark's head. We were coming from the side. Seconds before impact, it propelled out of the water. The guard only got off one round before the shark chomped off the top quarter of his torso and splashed back into the water on the other side. I still hung on though. I pulled its mouth again and steered it back toward the ship. I yelled, "Throw me a gun!" This time there were two crew members waiting. They devised a plan. I guess they saw the movie Jaws because it was just about like that. One held up a diver air tank and the other had a handgun ready for me. Again we propelled out of the water. The man with the air tank fell backward while throwing the tank in the air. The other threw the gun with great accuracy. The shark gobbled the tank down and I caught the gun perfectly in my hand as we dove over. With one hand still holding the fin, I jumped up on its back, riding it like a surfboard. Once we were far enough from the boat, I jumped straight up, using both hands to aim, and fired numerous rounds into the back of the shark, aiming for its belly. One bullet caught the air tank and blew the shark into a giant explosion of sushi. The Coast Guard came and picked me up. While I was being pulled in, one asked, "Are you all right?" Right there in the water floated that Florida dollar store necklace. I grabbed it on the way up and said, "I am now."   Recognized Author Notes I created this silly picture from a couple different Google Images.

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