FanStory.com - Some Cool Tunes and a Nice Buzzby michaelcahill

"I can't believe you did this behind my back, Stewie. What the hell do I know about running the free world?" Brian's tail wagged spasmodically as a shaggy dog of unknown sex was walking by.

"Oh, grow up, Brian. Can't you see the upside here? We're about to rule the universe and be in position to take sweet vengeance against our enemies. What are you whinnnnning about? You just wag your tail and look Presidential. I'll tell you what to do. And forget shaggy dogs like that BOY sashaying down the street. The Prez gets Afghans, Brian ... Afghans."

"Really? Afghans? They're so sleek and exotic. I've always dreamed of ...."

"Enough of that. We've got to get ready. Now, walk out on that stage like we own it. I'll be right there with you. Take your cue from me. Here's your speech, don't deviate. I'm your Vice-President. Don't forget to thank me and make a fuss over me. BRIAN! Stop licking yourself. This is serious. Hell, just walk out there."

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The Quahog Edward's Cinema plex had never received the attention being afforded it at this very moment. Without leaving his couch or setting down his drink, Brian Griffin had just been written in as the next President of the United States of America.

Young Stewie Griffin ran a masterful campaign. The campaign message was genius, "These idiots suck. A dog could do a better job ... no really, a dog could do a better job and I have just the dog that can do it: Brian Griffin. He's from the heart of middle America and loves his country. He's got his nose in the air and he's sniffed out the stench of cronyism that permeates this campaign. He's in hump mode and ready to soil some legs. Do you want the same old, same old? Maybe it's time for a dog to teach YOU some new tricks."

Wolf Blitzer is approaching the snack bar and grabbing the megaphone to make the long awaited for announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen and dog lovers everywhere. I give you the forty-sixth President-elect of the United States, Brian Griffin!"

Stewie soto voce, "Remember, listen and repeat everything I say. Don't deviate."

"Hello, America!"

Stewie, still whispering, "I didn't say that ...."

"I didn't say that ...."

He's more stewpid than I thought, he whispers, "America said that. Hello, America. It's good to see you after all these years. Welcome home."

The crowd is frenzied as Brian drinks a vodka tonic from one hand and waves a flag with the other while peeing on the podium with his leg lifted at a perfect forty-degree angle.

"Family values and a chicken in every garage. Pot in every car. Ask not what your country can do for you--we're broke! Don't worry, fear second to none!"

"Mr. President! What is your view on the socio-economic castigation of the third world nations emerging from the ocean's bottom as the climate continues to warm or freeze and sink or fill with helium and leave the planet altogether like a child's errant birthday balloon?"

"No one left behind. Those hippies need to stand on a wall and defend something before they get a notion to burn their bras. If you want to avoid the draft, then wear some doggone drawers!"

"What do you plan to do to bring about world peace?"

"I plan to fly cargo jets over all the war zones of the world and drop millions of joints on all the soldiers along with a suitable number of Bic lighters. That along with Louie Armstrong's 'Wonderful World' playing worldwide is the recipe for peace."

"What about the heartbreak of psoriasis?"

"You'll have to take that up with God as you've come to understand him. I'll be having another news shindig in a week or so. Think up some questions and I'll contemplate the meaning of life. Peace out."

Thus ended the first press conference of the newly elected President, Brian Griffin. All agreed, America was back!