I hear the knock,open the door, a stranger stands there. "Who are you?" This girl asks.
"I am Jan" I answer.
"I asked your mom what you looked like, she said you were fat" is her reply.
When my own mom cannot give a description of me to a stranger with something kinder than this; Such as "She has cleared up her acne", or "Her feet are swollen but small", even saying something like what color my hair is. No that would not help!; my hair is mousy brown or as she used to say "dishwater blond" (dirty dishwater).
Depression sets in, survival only because this is one of the times I an actually NOT FAT!
This too will pass.
A life time of struggle trying to control, even to maintain my weight, trying to look into a mirror without hating myself. I have spent my life insulting myself.
My philosophy is to insult myself before someone else does. Still I am not always fast enough, others beat me to it.
I am an 800 number junkie. If it says "weight loss" and I have a telephone and credit card I must buy.
I ask myself "Why don't you create something that claims to help with weight loss?" Heaven knows ,I have contributed to others road to riches.
I have been a treadmill, running shoe and weight control maniac.
Breaking multiple tread mills. Using tape for ankle weights while struggling to find a weight that doesn't wear or rub holes into body parts.
When looking for a treadmill I take one home,because it looks good in the store then use for the 30 days before the warranty expires.
When it does not fit what I need and I am unsatisfied I would take it back.
Although if I just needed an excuse not to exercise any treadmill will do. They always looks good sitting there. You can even insert it into conversations-such as "My treadmill is so loud The neighbors won't let me use it after eight at night"
This tells people that I am aware that I am less than pleasing to the eye, but that I am doing something about it. This saves face and avoids their helpful advice.
I am proud to say, I have trimmed down with treadmills a few times, getting up to four miles a day for six months in a row (funny going back to this article I find the four miles has grown to five in the telling).
Unless they make another diet like Fen-Fen; exercise is the only answer. Pills equipment or encouragement will do nothing until I make the commitment, then I must exercise every day, after a month I find I can put aside antidepressants.
Each day after my struggle to exercise is done the whole day feels free. I am still fat but I know that I have at least done something about it.
This sounds good but once again I get depressed by looking in the mirror. All I see is UGLY!
The weight is not coming off.
When I look in the mirror my first instinct is to change something for an immediate fix.
This usually means changing hair, a cut or perhaps a color. This will distract people from my disgusting body.
I had to step up my efforts; So I shaved my head. The reason behind this was if I cannot use hair to make me feel better. I must work harder on my body!
I said "I will not have hair until I am thin". Going out in public was hard, people thought I was a cancer patient. I felt stupid and guilty for giving them this impression. Trying to explain to strangers "No I do not have cancer, I am actually quite healthy, I just got mad at myself".
The up point to this that after seeing me bald I never receive insults about my hair, they are terrified I will do bald again.
Another thing in the struggle of weight loss is ; DO NOT SMOKE!
I was facing a trip to Europe with people already critical of me. I had to loose weight fast. A friend said that he lost weight when he started smoking.
I was in a religion that said smoking was of the Devil. My husband could have divorced me for this.
I bought the cigarette's. This alone was an experience, shocked at the choices while trying to act like I knew what I was doing. I looked so guilty The only reason I was not carded was that I looked like I was Methuselah.
My children were difficult, I would sneak out on my balcony and force myself to smoke four cigarette's in a row. Then light incense using breath spray and hiding the butts. Saying "Smell? What smell? That is incense , Cherries, do you like it? They were not deceived. It is fifteen years later, I haven't yet talked about this with them. I don't want to know how much they knew.
People at work found this hilarious being supportive to a point. After two weeks of hell I gave up. I refused to go on the trip instead.
I got back on the treadmill, also going to a diet clinic and calling 800 numbers. This got me on a fen-fen lawsuit. This did not go anywhere.
MY part of the lawsuit took three years but I had minimal damage, damn it! Statistics say 80% of the people that used this diet pill knowing the danger would take the pill if offered.
One of the happiest moments of my life? The day I told myself; "Thanks to Fen-fen I will never be fat again".
I think I will start a web page with all the things I have tried with the results about loosing weight, I know I would read it.
My favorite movie was "What is wrong with Gilbert Grape?". Her children loved her enough to burn her house with her in it to save her and them the humiliation of people seeing her size when she died.
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Author Notes
This was written years ago while I was raising my kids. As time goes by health becomes more important than appearance.
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