Where scurrilous squirrels all scamper and scuttle,
And Mrs Kerplonken ka-booms her ka-buttle,
Where rambunctious rabbits run riot through rushes,
Where Little Miss Modesty simpers and blushes,
Where seagulls sha-splatter on anything moving,
And Groucho and Grampus get everyone grooving;
Where turkeys and termagants tussle for treats,
And badgers play Bingo with Bozo (who cheats!)
Where Grandma and Moses paint pictures by numbers
And Sandman may sprinkle, but nobody slumbers;
Where octopi bowl, with sea-urchins for balls,
Each pineapple pin gives a screech as it falls.
Where clusters of timber-wolves, great tufted owls,
Compete for the scariest, screechiest howls;
Tornadoes, tsunamis and typhoons and such
Get lost in the din, but it don't matter much.
Where General Dogsbody leads out the garrison,
Mothers-in-law are quite calm by comparison.
A two-year-old's tantrums, a teenager's wrath,
Eight aunties and progeny - you do the math!
Wherever there's storm-clouds and thunder and lightning,
Wherever there's fussing and fracas that's frightening,
Wherever there's torment wrapped up in a passel
Of whirling and skirling and hurling and hassle...
Well that's where I'm heading on this Christmas Day -
It's bound to be calmer than my house, I'd say!
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