Come, gather round, all o' you young'uns
While I rest me weary bones.
Come closer to the campfire
And turn off them mobile phones!
There's a tale I'd like to tell ya
Cos, it won't mean much to most,
About the night that I encountered
A coat-tail tugging ghost.
Back then our phones stayed on the wall,
We had no TV set,
No danglin' iPod gizmos,
Nor no flamin' internet.
Now, Fred, that's not the scary part,
No need to look so tearful.
A life without your Facebook friends
Ain't really sumpin' fearful.
Now, me and Len and Tom were mates
Like those famous Moose-keteers.
'Twas all for one and one for all
Through sunshine, rain and tears.
This day, we're sittin' feelin bored
Wi' nowt much else to do,
When Tommy spins this frightful yarn
About the ghost of Dan Carew.
See, folks round there said Dan trapped kids
And ground their bones for dinner.
He was a strange one, that's for sure,
A proper Loony Binner.
Though he was dead and buried
In that ol' graveyard on the hill,
Some people claimed his spirit roamed
And preyed on children still.
Oh, I was young and foolish then
And prone to silly boasts;
My trap I opened up and cried,
'I'm not afraid of ghosts!'
Then Len and Tom, my two best friends
They hatched a cunning plot
To make me eat my reckless words
And put me on the spot.
They dared me to confront the ghost
At midnight in the church.
A shiver of dread ran down my spine
And my heart gave a kind of lurch.
But to Tommy and Len I spoke boldly,
Not showing a quiver of fear.
'I'll do it, I vowed. 'At eleven tonight
Make sure that you meet me here.'
Well, late that night as a storm brewed up,
Sane folk in their safe beds slept,
While we three scamps through our windows slipped
And down the dark road crept.
Then an eerie, moaning wind sprang up
And the rain came helter-skelter,
As we paused for a bit at the graveyard fence
Where the lych-gate gave us shelter.
Our torch-lights played o'er the drunken stones
Where the dead lay eternally sleeping,
And the rain tumbled down in torrents
As if God himself was a-weeping.
'It's time,' whispered Tom, and he thrust in my hand
A hammer and a six-inch nail.
'At the altar's foot you must mark the spot,
So we know that you did not fail.
With a slap on my back and a cheery 'Good luck,'
The two settled down to wait,
While I plunged into the gloomy dark
To meet with my ghostly fate.
You kids wouldn't know about terror,
How it melts all your bones to a mush;
The tremblin' hands and the chatterin' teeth,
Stark fear that comes in a rush.
But I tell you, that night I felt terror,
As sure as I'm talkin' to you,
For I knew in the dark church lay waiting
The ghost of the mad Dan Carew.
For a moment I thought he had found me
And I gave out a sort of a howl.
With a whoosh and a flash it flew past me-
'Twas just a harmless old owl.
The old door creaked noisily open,
I came back to my senses again;
I took a few steps t'ward the altar.
At least I was out of that rain.
Then I knelt at the front, by the prayer rail
Where thousands had pleaded their plight,
But I doubt that their prayers were as urgent
As the one that I muttered that night.
The torch I laid down as I hammered
Cast shadows of fear round the room
And I knew as I stood to start fleeing
That I'd hammered the way to my doom.
For a great ghostly hand from the darkness
Gave my coat-tails a bit of a tweak.
Though I struggled and fought, he held tighter,
Till I let out an almighty shriek.
I could smell Dan Carew at my shoulder,
I could feel his foul breath at my throat,
And I couldn't abide to be eaten
So I tore loose his grip on my coat.
Home I streaked, my raincoat in tatters,
With Lenny and Tom at my heels,
And I told how the ghost had clung to me,
How he'd planned I'd be one of his meals.
In the cold light of day we went back there,
Just Lenny and Tommy and me.
We checked out the nail that I'd driven,
And the answer was quite plain to see.
Now the God-fearin' folk of that county,
Will still give a bit of a roar,
When they tell of the young fool at midnight
Who nailed his own coat to the floor.
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