FanStory.com - The Battle of the Chiefsby Wayne Fowler

“Help! Help! Somebody please help me!”

“Kamala, What is it? Are you hurt?”

“No, not at all,” Kamala Harris said to her rescuers, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. “My foot is stuck up the fat orange man’s patoot. I can’t get it out.”

“Some of us will help hold him down while you fellas extricate her,” Jimmie Carter said.

A hideous, revolting reverse slurping sound accompanied Kamala’s release.

“You guys don’t let him go anywhere while I go hose off,” Kamala said.

“Oh, don’t you worry, Madam President,” FDR said. “But I fear this one will have to fear fear itself.”

+++

The concept of a brawling melee began by decree of Congress. All forty-five of the United States Presidents had been summoned, all in their prime while in office, and all gathered within the arena of the Ellipse at the White House. Each was charged and empowered with a duty to scourge the Earth of all others, the lone survivor left to govern the chaos that had been wrought upon the nation. By sleuth and deception, forty-three presidents and former presidents, plus Kamala Harris had closely huddled, leaving only Trump and Andrew Johnson, the impeached successor to slain Abraham Lincoln outside their circle.

All of the assemblage were somehow granted full historical knowledge as afforded the modern educated electorate.
“Trump shall not, must not, prevail,” Joe Biden declared to universal agreement. All of them understood the stark reality of the nation’s prospects under another Trump regime. They were also fully aware that Andrew Johnson was more than likely somewhat involved with Lincoln’s assassination, and most probably a traitor to the Union. Others among them were held in various levels of contempt for moderate-to-serious personal and public failures, but for the sake of efficacy, moderated their stands, exercising the greatest of discretion.

“All right men… and Madam, we agree to draw straws. Am I properly understanding our design?” James Garfield, the country’s twentieth president said. “After ending the miserable existence of the narcissist, we choose a winner by lottery.
All nodded assent. After all, they collectively thought, who would contest a brilliant orator who also independently proved the Pythagorean theorem?

Barack Obama further clarified their agreement, “Only we draw the straws before the fight.” He made air quotes with two fingers of each hand. “The short straw,” holding up a straw about two inches long, “will be the victor. The saving of America… and the entire world, will be his…” Barrack paused, nodding to Kamala, “or hers, to shoulder.”

Nods of assent caused the huddled mass to resemble a Mexican jumping bean. Trump, sitting outside the collective, oblivious to anyone but himself, had nodded to sleep. Andrew Johnson, also outside the gathering, plotting with only himself as to how he could summon his ousted Southern Congressmen to somehow reconstruct the edict in his favor.
John Adams and Thomas Jefferson accepted intellectuals and judges of fairness, set aside petty grievances for the gravity of the moment. “We shall have a third,” John suggested.

“Nay, a fourth and fifth, as well,” Jefferson, the generally believed author of the Declaration of Independence amended, to Adam’s concurrence. “From a variety of eras,” Jefferson unnecessarily added.

In short order, the two sought and received the acquiescence of Abraham Lincoln, Woodrow Wilson and Barack Obama. Some of the unchosen were fearful of being selected. Theodore Roosevelt led the more indignant opposition, but held their peace, fully understanding that they would not have prevailed throughout a brawl that involved backstabbers and truly righteous souls who might have Divinity in their corner.

“All right,” Jimmie Carter said, “we swarm the orange one, creating pandemonium.”

“Bedlam,” James Madison corrected.

“Bedlam,” Carter accepted.

“And a few moments after the orange one’s demise, we collectively fall as if slain.” Zachary Taylor, a hero of the War of 1812 against the British, but failed twelfth president who died in office without having accomplished anything toward saving the states from a civil war summed it up.

“Leaving the bearer of the short straw the sole survivor,” FDR, Franklin Delanor Roosevelt, said from his wheelchair. “I would appreciate a little help back into my chair after it’s over,” he added to a generally positive murmuring.

+++

The five conferred.

“All right. A fist full of long straws, and the one short one.” Jefferson hardly glanced at the others before continuing. “We must be certain that the vile Andrew Johnson not contract favorable flukiness.”

“Simple,” Lincoln said, “he shall draw first among all the straws, everyone of them long. Then I shall draw. I shall begin to pluck a straw from…”

“George Washington’s hand,” Jefferson quickly offered to no dissent.

Lincoln continued. “And I shall deftly incise the top half of the straw. Lowering it back, I shall then draw out one of the long straws.”

“You would sacrifice yourself of the possibility of the honor,” Woodrow Wilson said, amazed.

“I would, for the sake of the Union.”

“The order following?” Adams asked.

“Alphabetical, or by historical succession?” Obama suggestion, open to other ideas.

“How about reverse order of successful presidencies, the most unsuccessful, or unpopular first, better guaranteeing them a long straw?” Wilson offered. “We could do it as a League of Presidents.”

A rumbling growl emitted from the other four.

“And who would decide the effectiveness? Andrew Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act. Some would call that good, others not.” Obama crossed his arms over his chest. “Rutherford Hayes ended Reconstruction too soon assigning millions of black Americans sordid, and many times, fateful futures.”

“We will instruct George to follow Lincoln’s draw by chance, those nearest his hand of straws until Lincoln’s short straw is drawn.” Adams looked about the other four. Finding no discord, they all returned to the awaiting compatriots who, to a person, save Trump and Johnson, learned the plan. The Lincoln shorted-straw, however, remained a secret among the five.

“So the short straw is good or bad?” George W. Bush asked, ignored by everyone.

The five, to a man, ruefully revisited the order of success concept.

+++

“Why am I the first?” Andrew Johnson cried. “The first has the least chance of drawing the lone short straw.”

“Oh shut it!” Nixon demanded. “You think this bunch is going to give me another shot? Your chances are a hundred times better than mine.”

Johnson drew his long straw, consigning him not death but to be among the losers who would be feigning death until after the short straw wielder was declared victor by the House of Representatives and awarded the Presidency.

Not sure of the five’s plan, but certain that offering the next pick to Richard (Tricky Dick) Nixon as prudent, Washington ignored Lincoln’s outstretched hand, forcing the fistful of long straws toward Nixon, who, of course, drew his long straw. Then Lincoln perfectly accomplished his trickery.

Finally, William Henry Harrison drew a straw obviously shorter than every straw drawn before his own. Sighs of relief, as well as disappointment, spewed from those yet to draw. Some, if not most, thought it but fair, since Harrison, the ninth president died in office after only a month’s service. The crowd then turned to encircle the slumbering orange specimen.

With a thunderous, screeching, charging shout from Theodore Roosevelt, the crowd quickly overwhelmed Donald Trump, each within range pummeling and pounding him. Ear-yanking, eye-gouging, and tooth-breaking ensued. The ordeal extended far longer than necessary as assailants withdrew to hose off, as had Kamala Harris.

Ultimately, the crowd quieted, but for the several who’d been accidentally injured in the melee who moaned and groaned. Suddenly, Ulysses Grant, the successor to Andrew Johnson, shrieked a scream he’d heard from the Civil War battlefield, the terrifying yell of the valiant Confederates. Instantly, with neither instruction nor fanfare, all presidents plus Kamala fell as if dead, save the wobbling Harrison, who once extricated from the limbs and mimicking torsos made his way to the Capitol, presenting himself as the sole victor.

Harrison’s first action was to call for the Capitol Police, supported by a unit of the National Guard, to arrest every Congress man or woman having voted in favor of the resolution that authorized the debacle.

Writing Prompt

All former US Presidents have come back to life. Congress has dictated that the next President will be the last man standing in a battle to the death amongst the 45 contenders. 300-3000 words.

All contest entries must include some sort of combat. You may include other current and past political candidates regardless of seriousness, such as Hillary Clinton, Kamala Harris, Stephen Colbert, the Naked Cowboy, and Harambe. You may construct a sequel or prequel if you entered the previous Battle of the Presidents contest and you may refer or link to your previous work. This contest format could not be modified to be non-blind, but you may disregard that requirement in this contest and make it obvious who you are.