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Characters
John Shane: The Hero, 25-35. A John Wayne sound-alike, never goes anywhere without his faithful horse, Sterling.
Shorty: John's witty, faithful sidekick, 25-35. Rides a horse named Jumper.
Willy Charchmoore: A snake oil salesman who changes the title and benefits of his so-called medicine, depending on the situation.
Setting: Border of Utah territory and Wyoming, 1895
Scene 1
(Near border of Wyoming and Utah territory, within a day or two's ride of Fort Bridger. WILLY CHARCHMOORE is center stage, dressed in long-fringed leather jacket and fancy, beaded cowboy boots, sitting on a small stool or log stump, while putting stoppers into a wooden tray holding small, brown glass bottles of water that look like medicine. He sits in front of a small, wooden trailer-wagon with a horse cutout. A sign on the trailer-wagon says: QUALITY MEDICINE. A few artificial trees are behind him upstage. Sound of horse's hoofbeats and a neigh or whinny offstage.)
JOHN
(Enters Stage Left, over his shoulder to SHORTY, who is still offstage.)
Just ground tie your horse, Shorty, while we check to make sure this man over here is all right out here in the middle of the forest.
SHORTY
(Just entering from Stage Left at end of JOHN's last words.)
Yep, I did that, John.
JOHN
Jumper is doin' so well stayin' put now. He only wandered five or six feet away the last time we had to ground tie our horses.
SHORTY
Yeah, John, I know. He's even keepin' your horse, Sterling, on his best behavior.
JOHN
We sure do have the best horses in the world. (Sees horse cutout by WILLY's trailer-wagon.) Say, there's a nice-lookin' horse, too. (To WILLY.) What's your horse's name, mister?
WILLY
(Stands up after carefully laying the tray of bottles down.) My mare's name is Arletta. And I am Willy Charchmoore, the number one patent medicine dealer in the west side of this county.
(JOHN and SHORTY both approach WILLY.)
JOHN
Well, Mr. Charchmoore, my name is John, and this is Shorty.
SHORTY
(In a friendly way.) Say, Mr. Charchmoore, what does your medicine do?
WILLY
(Holds up a bottle in front of SHORTY and still in the clear view of the AUDIENCE.) Glad you asked, Shorty! This is my own unique formula: Charchmoore's Potent Potion, good as a topical salve on bad burns or open cuts, scratches, sores, or other wounds. It will take the itch out of poison ivy, relieve mosquito and horsefly bites and bee stings, plus reduce the pain of severe sunburn. And if you take a large spoonful every morning, it will aid in warding off bilious dyspepsia!
SHORTY
Billy-huh dis-pep-see-what?
JOHN
Uh, I think that refers to indigestion.
WILLY
Right you are, John! But that's not all! This little potion will also clear up a sore throat, sore back, sore ankles, sore feet, and the common cold.
JOHN
(Takes the bottle from WILLY and peers at the label.) So, Mr. Charchmoore, what are the ingredients in this?
WILLY
Mighty fine question, John, mighty fine! Of course the amounts are a trade secret, but I can tell you the ingredients. They include sage, spearmint, aloe vera, oatmeal, green tea, and just a touch of silver nitrate. And of course, the most powerful ingredient is Dakota rattlesnake oil!
JOHN
(Hands bottle back to WILLY.) Hmm. I dunno about that. Doesn't that make you a snake oil salesman? (To SHORTY.) Shorty, I think we oughta move on.
SHORTY
(Not persuaded.) Say, Mr. Charchmoore, what's the chance of it takin' a wart off that's been growin' on my finger? (Holds up pinky finger.)
WILLY
(Puts down the first bottle on the tray and picks up another bottle from the tray). Ah ha, you need Charchmoore's Wart Wranglin' Salve! Made from the finest ripened May apples, otherwise known as wild mandrake. But don't drink this one, less'n you want to be in the bathroom for a while. Exclusive for today only, the price is just two bits.
JOHN
It might not help you much, Shorty. The last time I bought some medicine from a travelin' salesman like you, Mr. Charchmoore, I ended up feelin' like I had a hangover the size of Montana the next day.
SHORTY
But John, I've had this wart such a long time, and two bits ain't so much to take a risk.
WILLY
(Continues to grin confidently at SHORTY.) I would like to add that if the medicine doesn't work to your satisfaction, you have a money-back guarantee with a refund from me the next time I travel through this part of the country, which is going to be about three months from now.
JOHN
Well, if you wanna go ahead and try it, then it's your money.
SHORTY
I'm a little short...of cash, I mean, John. Can I borrow a quarter? I'll pay you back next Friday, and I'll even water your horse, Sterling, when we get back home.
JOHN
(Sighs.) All right, Pilgrim. (Fishes quarter out of pocket.) Here you are. (Hands quarter to delighted SHORTY, who passes quarter to WILLY.)
WILLY
(Gives bottle of Charchmoore's Wart Wranglin' Salve to SHORTY.) That should do the trick. You are definitely gettin' a great bargain! 'Course, six months from now, the price might go up to four bits.
JOHN
(To WILLY.) Your name sure fits the bill then.
WILLY
(Ignores JOHN's comment. To SHORTY.) A thousand thanks for doin' business today! (Puts tray of corked bottles in or behind wagon-trailer. Keeps back toward AUDIENCE.)
JOHN
(To SHORTY.) Come on, Shorty. My horse, Sterling, is gonna be hungry and thirsty by the time we get back home to our cabin. Your horse, too.
SHORTY
Sure, John. Say, if this wart medicine doesn't get rid of my wart, I have an even better idea.
JOHN
Really? What is that?
SHORTY
I'm gonna try a famous Russian author's method. You take some fresh green peas out of the garden, mince them, and spread them on your warts.
JOHN
Huh. I don't think I've ever heard of that remedy. What is it called?
SHORTY
Gee, whiz, John, and I thought you were well-read. It's Tolstoy's Warts and Peas, of course!
(Lights down.)
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