FanStory.com - Cream, Lotions and Other Potionsby T B Botts

I was visiting my friend Matt in a recovery facility the other day. I don't really know what to call it, or actually what all they do there. It's kind of like a holding facility for people who have had operations and need a place to recover for a few weeks or months. They provide a private room and meals and have a nursing assistant come and give you meds if you need them. They also have a van to escort people to various places like the doctors or for dialysis.

Matt just recently had his left leg amputated. He'd already had the right one taken off some years ago. I won't go in to all of his physical issues. Suffice it to say he's suffered lots in this world, but nonetheless, has one of the best attitudes of anyone I have ever met.

In any event, we were visiting. He was wearing a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and sitting in a wheel chair. He started rubbing his recent wound and making moaning sounds.

"Hey Tom, hand me that blue tube over there on the counter would ya?"

I grabbed it and gave it to him and he proceeded to rub it on the affected area and it seemed to give him some relief.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Lidocaine. It helps with the pain a little bit."

I proceeded to tell him about the back pain I was experiencing, and he insisted on giving me the tube of Lidocaine. I didn't really want to take it, since my pain had to pale in comparison to what he was dealing with. However, he insisted I take it since he had four or five more tubes of the stuff in his closet.

We finished visiting and I took my tube of topical cream home with the idea that I'd have Jan put some on my back later. I handed her the tube, and of course being a woman, she wanted to know everything about it. When she got done reading the back of the tube she said," This is for hemorrhoids."

I grabbed the tube from her and started reading. It said, Lidocaine Numbing Relief. In small letters it said, Lidocaine 5% cream. Anorectal (Hemorrhoidal ) Cream. For relief of pain, itching and burning.

Judas Priest! How bad of a case of hemorrhoids do you have to have to be prescribed a six ounce tube of cream? Good lord if they're that bad, get a colostomy bag or fast for a few weeks or get an operation or something. That's a major case of piles there buddy.

Since Matt had used it on his stump and found temporary relief, I decided to have Jan put some on my back. For the life of me, I don't know how something can sit out at room temperature all day and feel like it's just come in from the North Pole. I can leave the milk out of the refrigerator for thirty minutes and it's as warm as toast. As soon as she started rubbing it on me I jumped like I'd been given a shock. It must have taken thirty seconds of her applying it before my body adapted to it. It did give some temporary relief, but nothing to write home about. Maybe that's why they give you such a huge tube of the stuff, they know its not going to work for very long and you'll need to apply more, if you have the courage.

When I was reading the directions, it mentioned cleaning the affected area with soap and warm water and rinsing thoroughly. I had taken a shower earlier in the day, so I didn't think it needed to apply to me. Then it said to gently blot dry with a soft towel or toilet tissue. Frankly, I don't think toilet paper is going to dry very much at all, if I were wet. You'd have to go through three rolls of TP before you'd be dry, and you can imagine how much would stick to your skin. You'd have to take another shower to get it all off. Oh well, good thing it was going on my back.

I've had issues with hemorrhoids before, but I just used Preparation H. I wonder if they tried Preparations A through G before they found something that worked, kind of like WD 40.

When I was thinking of that, I was reminded of a company in Hoonah that was hired to drive some pilings for a new dock. They called themselves the Preparation H Pile Driving Company. To the best of my knowledge, they did a good job, and I believe they had lots of business around the state. However, I had heard that the folks that made the hemorrhoid cream wanted them to stop using their name. I don't know why, it seems like it would be good for business, but I guess some people are just picky. Go figure.