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Reaching puberty
I was about sixteen
When my mother caught me
Nose in a playboy magazine
Cooing like a turtle dove
In selflove
Barely legal
On an afterschool special
In an extracurricular activity
At a hand party
First and a half base
A surprising look on my face
Massaging the man muscle
As tribute picture catalogued
More for the playmates than the articles
I flog the log
In the good old fashion fun
Of dating Miss Michigan
In an attempt to strain the main vein
Baby bat in the brain
Communing with nature
Thinking with Peters
Despite the study of juvenal Sunday morals
Became my new normal
Sheltered at home
With adult entertainment
In solitary confinement
Wrestling a gnome
As my own best friend
I gave myself a hand
Buffing the bat
For hand to gland combat
Beating off
Takes a load off
Living the hype
With a clean pipe
Patient as Job
Exploring onanism
Polishing the knob
To go beyond tv guide erotism
Left me to my own device
Viewers discretions advice
Not just to Netflix’s and chill’s alone
Romancing the bone
X-rated in lighting the fuse
For self-abuse
Tested the video quality
Of blue movies
Consulting with a silent partner
About phaser’s on stun
Being a wiener misdemeanor
And walking around with a loaded gun
A culture crime
In happy time
Bashing the bishop
That sizes up
To tame the beast
Bribing the priest
Gropes the rope
Of fooling the Pope
In discovering my potential
This “Menage a Moi”
Contrary to what’s mentioned in the bible
With its certain “je ne Sais quoi”
Though defiling the body as a sacred temple
Doesn’t devalue the family jewels
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