Excellent From A Journal That Wasn't Written to be Read My Confessions by Videl Sky Mental Health Awareness Week contest entry

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.             ‘It’s hard to think to the future when I don’t want to be here anymore’ ‘It’s weird because before yesterday I just felt empty and not sad but just empty and gone - I can’t describe it but now I feel too much like I’m feeling everything like a hysterical I am crying I’m laughing but I’m not really happy I can’t help it I feel broken, or something is wrong I don’t even know - I don’t know who I am anymore.’ ‘I just keep feeling the urge to just slit my wrist there’s an itch in my hands just to hold the knife and just cut and like I just think about it all the time now and I think about what it would be like to shoot myself and I think about it all the time and I don’t know how to stop and I don’t know if I can.’ ‘…then he hugged me. Which was fine until he started shaking and crying. I don’t think I’ve seen my dad cry before, not like this, and it made me feel so guilty. I felt like I was suffocating in the guilt and self-hatred.. my dad shouldn’t have to be that scared.’ ‘The guilt that sits in my stomach is heavier than any meal I could eat.’ ‘I may not kill myself, but I really don’t want to live anymore. I want to cut and cut and cut until I actually like what’s left. But I know deep inside that there is nothing. I will cut until there is nothing left. I want to feel every slice, every bit of pain. I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it.’ ‘I remember when I promised people that I would tell them if things started getting bad again. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. They all think I'm doing so much better, and I don't want to let them down. I saw this quote once and it went something like, “everybody wants to hear that it’s getting better, no one wants to hear that it's getting worse.” I think about that a lot.’ ‘I have a philosophy class that really makes me think that my mind seems to work so much different than everyone else's. We were asked, “If there were researchers that had a perfect world simulation, where in it, what you thought to be the perfect world for you would play out, would you go into it? It would only be for 2 years in the real world but could feel like a lifetime in your head.” I said of course I would do it, thinking it was the obvious answer. Everyone else said no. ‘No’ they said, ‘because when I get out, I would realize how sucky the reality we live in is.’ And I laughed to myself a little, because my reality is already shitty, and I would jump at the chance to literally make up my perfect world and be able to live in it. And if I got out and realized I couldn't deal with our reality anymore? There’d be an easy solution.’ ‘For the first time since I can remember, the thought of dying sickened me.   :)’ ‘I think I am actually going insane. Nothing feels real. I don’t feel real. Reality is a construct and I am a byproduct of it. I am scared to go to sleep. I am scared to stay awake.’ ‘Times like these are when I really wonder why I was born. If I am going to suffer so much that I wish I would die, then why was I born in the first place?’ ‘Did you know that when tulips dry up, they turn white? I didn’t, until I looked up just now. They seemed fine yesterday, but today the eerie clash of color stains each of them. It’s beautiful almost, but sad, because I know I will have to throw them out soon.’ Author Notes These are old excerpts from a journal my counselor had me keep when my depression was at its worst. Though I never meant to share them, I hope that at least one person will find comfort knowing that if I was able to make it out the other side, so can many others. On another note, the grammar in these entries are all over the place - I left them unedited because I feel like it shows the rawness I was experiencing in the moment. The Photo is: Romance Dreams Of Tulips Photograph by Miss Dawn

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