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Big, black, slobberin' waggie-tailie beastie
Nae need for panic in thy breastie
Tha maun no fear I widnae feed thee
at breakfast time;
To cheat yer whame o' morsels rich and beefy
wid be a crime.
The cupboard doors yer tail is beating
Yer rheumy een are softly pleading
Yer empty bowl some grub is needing
I'll fill it now;
And while yer inner dug you're feeding
I'll tak a bow.
And noo, tae me, ye seem contented
Yer trust in me has no' been dented
The bond twixt dug and man cemented
wi' gloopy slop.
Ye scoffed it like a dug demented,
left no a drop.
It's time tae dauner oot the door
Tae shuffle, snuffle and explore
Until ye can resist no more -
yer bools explode!
And - SPLODGE - upon the grassy floor
ye drap yer load.
Yer maister isnae cock-a-hoop
He kens he maun retrieve yer poop
He scrapes it up wi' trusty scoop
and plops it in a plakky bag.
And soon abune the bin he'll stoop
tae jettison the mingin' clag.
Yer walkies can no longer wait
Ye lollop aff wi' shamblin' gait
Strain at the leash, don't hesitate
head for the moor,
Where scary coos wi' strident moos exarcebate
the fears that mak ye insecure.
A throaty growl, a token bark
Ye hope ye may have made yer mark
Alas, it's a' been wasted wark
still nearer dae they congregate;
What mair can one dug dae tae spark
unease among the ungulate.
Recoil, retreat then slink away
And live tae bark another day
Tonight the moon will hear ye bay
whilst in yer sleep
Wi' bovine chums ye bravely play
and canine self-respect ye keep.
Ye love tae chase yer scabby ba'
An' whyles ye may chase cats an' a'
Some doggies, too, if they be sma'
an' no sae bold;
Yer teeth are bared yer bark is braw
they dinna ken yer blood runs cold.
Cometh the dug cometh the hour
It's time to face up to yer shower
Sae body, tail an' limbs - a' fower
can be hosed clean
Tae rid yer sticky for o' sweat and glaur
an' maybe parasites unseen.
We're sure ye maistly love us, Dutch
Save when we leave ye in the lurch
Tae go to work or shops or Church
yer plaintive whine's
Replaced by grateful joy - sae much
when we return at dinner time.
Afore ye turn in for the night
An' daytime memories tak flight
Ye settle doon by firelight
beside the telly;
Yer hert no longer senses fright
repletion warm consoles yer belly.
Good night, sleep well auld doggy friend
Ye've got nae vim left tae expend
May peaceful dreams a' worries end
an' banish sorrow;
An' slumber reinvigoration send
sae ye can dae it a' again tomorrow.
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