Exceptional Neither here nor there Spectre : The In-between by Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language. Background Artwork by Lea Tonin                                           No such thing as tempered rage Only anger marks the stage When all your life's a  wrenching cage Bust the bars the killers wage.   Bursting buds of bluest night. The Phoenix rise in rocket flight. Change the wrongs which should be right. Turn the darkness into light.    Reveal the cage disguised as home Set free the souls and let them roam Phoenix burns with brilliant blooms  The negative, has no room.   *************************** Present   My sister comes, olive branch in hand. She finally waded through all the mud filled stories, all the lies. Her memories slowly returning to her accompanied with a dull, slightly bewildered sheen, that came over her eyes. I know that look, I've seen it many times. All these things though, gave all the evidence to help her realize the truth. Her apology was heartfelt and accepted gratefully by me. Because of her, I drive a safer vehicle in better condition. Because of her, I was able to stay afloat. She took over the bills during a trying time. Although it appears too late for my son and me...at least for now.  Today we work together as best we can piecing the clues together, creating a truthful telling of an old and ongoing story.   Today I was looking over my very first book. The very first anything in a literary sense. There is fear, rage and pain in those pages. When the cork popped, words poured out from the end of my proverbial pen. Digital words splashing like rain inside my hard drive.   There is also myself.  My tears, my heart, the devastating disappointment, I felt on a daily basis. In every written word the onion peels making the whole book cathartic.   Yet there is still so much content yet to come. That girl remains within me and then some. I must also remember though, parts of the past will always remain. Perhaps now it will simply change form.   Crying while typing on screen seems to be a healthy aid in the smooth flow of words to paper and out of my head. In some ways it's like ripping the scab from a wound and it bleeds all over again. Or in another way, I'm getting a dermal abrasion to get rid of the scars.    Makes me think we ought to have a new Olympic sport.   How to jump from one trampoline to another in one easy lesson. Sifting thoughts to a logical part of my mind, my eyes drift around the room. Glinting colored sparkles show their faces here and there bouncing off multiple pieces of jewelry newly created.  They always remind me of Christmas lights. The seasons holiday soon to begin for many.  So while I'm busy contemplating my naval, I will now retreat from that and go back to telling the story I began a book and a bit ago.     She's not done with us yet....   *************************** Past   "It's okay mom. I just have a visitor." E said.    "Well, keep it quiet in there, you know I need my rest!" E's mom said. "Okay mom, sorry we'll keep it down." E answered. I removed my arm from her neck which she rubbed gently. "You used me. You tried to turn me into a hooker." My voice low, sent through clenched teeth just barely kept under control while shaking in anger. "Are you some kind of boss or something?  How many others have you done this to?" I demanded. "There's a few out there," she answered. "But hey, I tried to help you out that's..." Then she saw the thunder rolling across my face.  Her voice just tapered off. "Your gonna give me the cash you took using me," I said. "I was gonna give it to you anyway, but you took..." Again her voiced tapered off.  I held out my hand. She sighed and reached for her bag. Producing two hundred dollars she handed it over to me. "By rights you should only get one hundred after last nights fiasco." "Do you really want to go there with me?" I asked. I was a foot taller than her and towered above her head to make my point. She just stood there, staring at me with Marty Feldman eyes. Other than my stepfather and my mother, she's the only person I really wanted to punch! "I'm going in the closet to get my bag." I turned to retrieve it and quickly grabbed pants and a T-shirt. A fast change saw her pink outfit back in her hands. "Look," I said to E. "I don't know what you're thinking doing this stuff, it can't be good. Maybe you should try something else before you get hurt or your mom finds out." "I might not know much about anything but I know this crap makes me feel like shit."  Again she just stared at me. I shrugged picked up my bag and walked out the front door. My feet were terribly tired, I was thirsty and hungry. Two blocks back was a McDonald's, I made a B-line for it. As I munched down on a burger and fries, I started to think about where I could go. Family members were out.  My mother made sure of that. I let the angry tears slip down my face knowing I was out of options. I considered the forest again but I quickly dismissed it. At best a forest stay was temporary. I needed something permanent, something stable. Somewhere I didn't have to be afraid the rug would be pulled out from under me.  With nowhere to go I headed back to the park where I'd met the homeless people that night. I couldn't sit at McDonalds all day crying. My feet were sore too from putting on so many kilometers when I still hadn't slept the night before. It was tough controlling my emotions when I was so physically tired. I stood up knowing that if I stayed put, I might have fallen asleep on their table. Drying my eyes, I put my garbage in the bin and started for the park. I was glad it was only two kilometers away as I'd had enough. Walking along slowly under the beautiful sun looking at the glory of the natural world, I wondered if human life could be beautiful too. What a thing that would be. Entering the park, I headed down one of the smaller trails looking for a dry, off the path, spot so I could lay my head down. A few minutes later I walked off the path and into the tree line and walked about ten feet in. A large cedar standing sentinal with great bent bows looked almost like a hug. Crawling under, I was semi covered and surrounded in a fresh green scent. I pulled my jacket out of the bag and laid it on the ground. I almost collapsed on it but, managed to also pull out a sweater.  I wrapped it around my shoulders then curled up in a ball. The quiet of the forest came roaring in, while the tree enclosed me in beautiful cedar green. I quickly fell into a deep slumber. Blessedly free of dreams.   ********************** present   Re-reading what I'd written,  I wanted to make sure I imparted the exact feeling at the time.  A mixture of fear, anger frustration and disappointment.  I leaned back once again from my PC, running my hands through my hair.   After every chapter, especially the busy ones, I feel a bit drained. Sometimes I do think about the childhood lost for 3 young girls. But we survived and we learned.  It was no thanks to the parental figures that were in our lives. Every day I find out more family history. More stuff flying around that only corroborates everything that I already know. I still feel, even at this moment, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. That it's the pinnacle of what my life is supposed to be. I hold up the mirror now for every abuser and abusee that may be out there.  A message for each is imbedded in this story.  Messages that are individual to each of you. As for the rest of the populace, I give these words and hope it goes out to every other person outside of that life, to be vigilant and watch for the recognizable signs of abuse.   Rest now...more mountains to climb...more days to get there. Recognized Author Notes Please note, this story is part of an auto bio called Spectre part of a 3 book series. This is number 2. Number 1 is called Ghost and can be found in my portfolio should you wish to read. Please note some chapters are hard to digest, reader discretion is advised.

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