FanStory.com - Backyard by Lea Tonin1

The house of pain fake love grows mold

The auction block, three girls are sold.

I see so much clearer and know so much more than I did before. Part of that was much research into the family dynamic.

Beginning with my grandmother, such damage and pain one lie can cause. The trickle down effect over generations.

This lie spills out exponentially like an ever widening puddle of black ooze the deeper the lie, the longer the deception. The ever-present desperation to keep those secrets caused so much damage in this family.

It's an old path which created new paths that I see very clearly.

It stops with me. It has stopped with me and never went by me and it never will.

It begins in the nineteen thirtys when my grandmother was a teenage girl....

Grandmother - Daughter to a strict Dutch religious family. Staunch Dutch Christian Reformed. My grandmother craved release from all that. She was to be a properly trained young lady with Christian ideals and never engage in sex prior to marriage.

She'd preferred to have fun, going to dance halls, smoking and meeting boys. So she did.

Much to her parents chagrin, she became pregnant with what she thought could be my grandfather's baby. My grandfather believing he was the father of her child and believed her to be faithful to him, he married her.

With the advent of World War Two the German Army went to conquer and occupy Holland among other European countries, my grandfather went to war.

In fact, before, during and after the war, even in Canada, she continued her affairs.

My grandfather would say around the dinner table something which we all thought was a joke when really he was dead serious.

"I take my pants off in Germany and my wife is pregnant in Holland." My grandmother's reputation became horrendous. She was shunned from her church and her family. She pitched an idea to my Grandfather that they should leave the country and start a new life somewhere else where everything would be different. He agreed and they came to Canada. Unfortunately, my grandmother could not curtail her behavior and it carried on while in Canada.

This was the big lie. Cover it all up from the entire family, even the children involved. As for my aunts and uncles, for multiple reasons my grandmother kept mum. Her children, on my grandmother's death bed, begged her to tell the truth. She refused.

She had created for herself, in Canada, this persona of perfection. The church going woman who gave to her church. The prominent social service lady responsible and fostered many children. One of which remained with our family. This persona extended to hire up politicians, higher up social Service people. Any investigation by social services would soon connect the dots between her and us. Social Services would soon see our familial tie and in turn be investigated. There was no way she could up and start again in another country. So she fought tooth and nail to keep her secrets.

My grandmother had nine children, most of which do not belong to my grandfather. She had her favorites among her children, my mother was not one of them.

The collateral damage trickled down to her own children. Which brings me to my mother.

Mother - Born two months after World War Two ended. Likely my grandfather's daughter.

Female children my grandmother had trouble with. Especially my mother. My grandmother was very hard on my mother, calling her unsavory names as if she was a loose woman which was perpetuated with me when I lived with her. My grandmother was convinced that girls were street sluts and my mother is no different and so she treated her accordingly. Even though she treated her other daughters better. That same dislike for my mother passed down to my mother's girl's, us. One story of my mother's childhood that sticks with me and told me who I was dealing with was.

Came a day when one of my grandmother's lovers was coming to take her away. She had my mother pack up the house to move while they waited for her lover. This lover never showed up. She had my mother unpack all the things and put them away again. When my grandfather returned home, he knew something was wrong and demanded answers. My mother fled to her room. My grandmother had refused to answer any of his questions. So he followed my mother up and demanded from her the truth.

My mother was a girl and told him the truth and was never forgiven by her mother, my grandmother. So my mother did what my grandmother did and got pregnant with me all to escape her mother. If she learned anything from my grandmother, it was get someone to pay the bills. Then she learned how to manipulate people into thinking she's a paragon of honesty. A sweet woman who doesn't deserve to be treated so badly by her daughters. She had many convinced she's the most honest person that was ever born. Wow, that just gags me.

My mother's behavior is almost the same as my grandmother's. Except my mother has no ambition to do anything but have fun.

It was just dumb luck for my stepfather running into my mother and dumb luck for her that she ran into him. This Japanese man who did what she wanted him to do so he could do what he wanted to do.

Every time we complained, we did not know that we would be railroaded. We we're just kids.

With my mother's indifference and thinking she's done the right thing, effectively threw us to the wolves. Living in her narcissistic world, her and he were laughing all the way. He knew he could do whatever he wanted to. She knew she could too. Complaints would be waylaid by my family members namely my grandmother and my mother.

He was laughing all the way to the end of his fist. Also, my grandmother can keep her lie secret. The results of such a generational lie is clear and more so with these results:

Three over achievers public people who are also indifferent to the feelings of others.

Four alcoholic and/or drug addicted Uncles.

One alcoholic Aunt.

Three emotionally/physically and/or mentally abusive uncles.

Seven of nine aunts and uncles in multiple marriages my mother included.

Between six and twelve cousins Alcoholic and/or addicted to other substances.

Two male cousins that I know of are extremely abusive.

Multiple cousins left the family for various reasons never to come back.

Two male cousins death by suicide.

Then there's us three girls my stepfather got free tickets to mayhem.

All of this damage for one great lie. All of this pain for one woman's desire for secrecy then begat others who would do the same. Even though it ends with me, there are many, many cousins in this family and the damage continues to roll down hill.

I wish I could do away with the great lie and the deceptions. In a perfect world we would all come together and we would all heal.

Others now in the family take up the mantle. My mother, definitely one of them.

This is my way of showing the world we can be different. We do not have to be the Prince or Princess of pain. We do not have to perpetuate the lie. I have decided to continue to talk to anyone who will listen. Family member or no.

Learn from our example of what not to do by all the damage I have listed and written about.

I pray for the end of the big pulsating nasty boil of the great lie...but I'll take peace for now.

It's so much different than tge existence my parents gave. So it shall be and is.

I was wholly unprepared for the world. But even that was better than where I came from....

My mind and heart are weary but strangely contented too.

It begins in the nineteen thirtys when my grandmother was a teenage girl....

Grandmother - Daughter to a strict Dutch religious family. Staunch Dutch Christian Reformed. My grandmother craved release from all that. She was to be a properly trained young lady with Christian ideals and never engage in sex prior to marriage.

She'd preferred to have fun, going to dance halls, smoking and meeting boys. So she did.