FanStory.com - Originsby Lea Tonin1

Sometimes to understand the present one must understand the past.

Because no answers were forthcoming, no explanations and no adequate reasons why, I needed to at least make sense of it. To put it in order, pop it in a box and shelve it. I wish it was as easy as that...

That can of worms didn't have enough room in it...I approach with trepidation in the writing of it.

Tippy toes...

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"De street slut is home!" Wack wack wack the rolled newspaper bounced off my head.

It was 11:15 pm. I explained to her that the movie does not end until 11 pm that I would be home by 11:15.

"Nay," she said. "Home by 10 pm"

I was home by 11:15 pm

I loved my grandparents. Every time we visited we were allowed to eat.

Every Christmas she would give us a chocolate letter to eat. I knew my stepfather would not hit me when we visited. He just sat in the corner with a newspaper. I never wanted to leave.

Since we came we sat through many religious lectures. Church every Sunday, a round of chores, school, things that most families did. I didn't mind any of it. I would gladly deal with all that as long as I didn't get hit and I could eat.

In these religious lectures, there was a common theme.

"The sins of the first generation shall be visited upon the third" is her favourite line.

Finally I asked her, "Does that mean I'm gonna get heck for what you did?"

"That is exactly true!" She answered.

From then on, I was the street slut whenever she thought I was sinning or disobeying. According to her, if I did not conform then I was a whore.

Heck, I didn't even know what a French kiss was! Some guy asked me how far I've gone. I said I walked to the movies once. That's how naive I was.

That weekend I was allowed to go to my oldest Uncle's and my aunt's house to visit with my cousin.

I was sitting down on the carpet in their living room feeling sad. They asked me what was wrong so I told them.

"Oma keeps calling me a street slut."

" Come and sit up on the couch with us we'll try to explain." my uncle asked.

I sat up on the couch just as my uncle pulled out a photo album. In this album, there were pictures of men. Some in snappy suits others in everyday clothes. He pointed to one man wearing a fedora.

"This man is likely the father of your twin uncles."

I looked up in shock." He pointed at another man fair-haired.

"This man is probably the father of your aunt in the interior."

He pointed again to a man wearing work clothes, "This man would be the father of your uncle back east."

I stared at my uncle and a phrase Opa used to say we all thought was a joke came to mind.

" I took my pants off in Germany and my wife was pregnant in Holland." Oma would chuckle perpetuating the idea that it was only humor. Opa was dead serious.

"These other men may or may not be a father to any of your other aunts and uncles. But your Oma spent time with them." Uncle said.

I was blown away.

But it explained so many things. "Your Oma seems to think that all females behave in this way."

My Opa, whom I loved the best, I always thought maybe he was a little bit soft because he did whatever my Oma told him to do every time. He stayed in his world and did his own thing. Always pleasant to me yet always seemed distracted. When I returned to my grandparents, I took my Opa aside. "I know now Opa...may I ask why you didn't leave her?"

He said to me words I'll never forget.

"Because I had children that were mine and I couldn't leave them. In those days you don't leave your wife."

My respect for Opa soared after that. He sacrificed himself to keep everyone together.

As a result of Oma's increasing behaviour, they left Holland for Canada. Oma continued this behaviour until a few years after Opa's death.

In all the years since I never once threw that in her face, never once.

I didn't need to. I had what I needed...

Understanding...

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I could see the family dynamics and how things moved back and forth. I watched while everyone went to great lengths to keep the big secret quiet. It's funny how things pass down from one generation to the next. That each of these passed on behaviors over generations can cause mental Illness. Can cause a disconnect between what is right and what is wrong.

The family circles each other.

Like the gas lighter buzzard to see who's bleeding next.

I began to realize and learn more with every new revelation.

We are the tug and pull in this family. The doormats at the door.

The sacrificial lambs to all that is and all that was in my family.