Excellent The mask's we wear. Ghost : Deeper by Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language. I keep thinking I should have known. I should have known that I was just banging my head against a wall.  Well, that was many years ago and naiveté should not be mixed up with stupidity. They are, in fact, two separate conditions. Stupid, I was not. Naive in many ways?  I was, yes. So I'm running that through my mind right now. Thinking about how to put all that out there in a coherent way, but without complaint. I keep that in mind as I write and try to capture it all.   I'll do my best to keep doing this for this chapter and all coming...   Let us peel the roof off this little house and see what she's doing...   ***************************** "Time to get up now efer. Breakfast is on the table. Opa will take you to the doctor today." Oma said in her broken English. "Doctor?" I repeated. "Yes, check up.  You're too skinny and you vere running a fever last night." She said I felt OK by then after having slept for 16 hours, I awoke ravenously hungry. "Ok, Oma". Having only my sister's pajamas to wear, I brushed my hair then brushed my teeth and looked around. Across the room was another bed I assumed was my sister's. Light shone in from the picture window to the right of my sister's bed.  Tree leaves of with emerald-dappled smiles drifted in shadow across the floor. I came out of the room and smelled the most delicious smell ever made. Approaching the dining room, my eyes fell on the dining room table.  Before me, I saw bacon, scrambled eggs, French toast, milk and juice. My sister happily eating her breakfast at the other end. Based on how she looked, I figured she was headed out to school. "Eat up," Oma said. Looking at my sister she said," Five minutes your bus will come". My sister hurried and grabbed her bag. "Talk later," I said to her in a secretive tone. "Ok, after school." and bounced out the door. I filled my plate and filled it again. I knew I had over-stuffed myself. I groaned, grabbed my round belly and made my way back down to the bedroom. After visiting the bathroom for  evacuation, I then came back to the dining room. "Thank you for breakfast Oma. I can load the dishwasher if you like." I loaded the dishwasher and wiped down the counters on the dining room table. "Go into your sister's room efer and find something that will fit you," Oma said. I did as she asked and waited patiently in the bedroom for further instructions. It was, at this time, that I decided to take a peek behind the curtain of my mind and see what was going on. I knew I was still in shock.  I was looking at the problems as if I were outside of it. As if I was watching a film and I was waiting for the script writer to write the conclusion and the director to film it. "What was going on here? What happened to bring my sister here? What's going to happen to us?" I asked myself. I wanted answers but wasn't getting any so I'll try to ask my grandmother.  It was a crap shoot on what she will or will not say...I just didn't know or trust anyone. A little while later, my grandfather knocked on the door and opened it. "Are you ready to go? Opa asked. "I'm ready, coming right now." Hopping into his station wagon we headed for the doctor.  My grandfather did this funny little thing he used to do when we were small. He would hum a song and blow it out his mouth at the same time, and then wiggle his bottom false teeth at me with a big grin. My Grandpa didn't talk about serious things. Not with me that I noticed. He just liked to be everyone's funny Grandpa and leave it at that.  That was fine by me.  He was, on the other hand,  detached from everyone...emotionally distant. We wheeled into the doctor's parking lot Opa said he'd wait in the car so off I went with the unit number in my memory. I went into the doctor's office and was called for examination almost immediately. I was asked to remove my clothing and put on the paper gown. The normal procedure is when having a physical exam. The cop doctor came in introduced himself and started gently hitting my knees with a little rubber hammer producing a bounce. Then had me touch my toes standing up. He checked my joints by maneuvering my arms and legs feeling my neck and looking down my throat listening to my lungs and heart. Examine my scrapes and bumps.  He seemed to consider them superficial and would heal. Then he performed another exam that I'd never had before. It shocked me.  I didn't understand in my naiveté. "What is this? What are you going to do with this". I asked.  "I need to perform an internal exam with these instruments." he said. Did your mother ever explain this to you?" He asked. "No" I answered. He explained the why and the how-to me.  He said it can be uncomfortable but it's over quickly. Given that he was a doctor, I allowed it to continue and he performed his exam. He was right, it wasn't comfortable, but not unbearably so."you can get dressed now I'll be back in a few minutes. I dressed quickly not liking the exposed feeling I get in those paper gowns.  I could hear the doctor's voice and then I heard my name. I was naturally curious to hear what was been spoken of me so I cracked the door a little bit. Kitty corner of this exam room was the doctor's private office.  From that office, I could hear words like," She's a little thin, borderline malnutrition but otherwise healthy". It was silent for a moment as if he was listening then I heard, "I did an eternal exam, she is intact." Another pause, "I can't comment on mental disturbance or false memory except to say that she seems stable.  I would consult a psychiatrist for a further opinion." I quickly shut the door and sat quickly down in a seat. The doctor entered and I eyeballed him suspiciously. "I would like you to take these vitamins for three months." Handing me a prescription and a food chart. "Try to eat more from the four food groups. You can go now but I'd like to see you in six weeks."  What does the doctor mean by intact? And who's he talking to on the phone if not my grandmother? I didn't know a lot, but I knew some things had to be private and this sounded private to me.  I hated that deep hollow feeling, that gut wrench that always told me when something was wrong.  Part of my extra sensitivity that I could not ignore. I also knew another thing. That doctor was repeating words I'd heard before. Words from my own family's lips. They continue to perpetuate the lie, but why?   As mentally disturbed, why? Because they're setting the stage, they're setting the stage for what's to come. Again the truth just of reach gazed upon me. I was silent the rest of the way back. I didn't like this feeling.  I knew this was going to go deeply and badly wrong. Right through the front door where three small girls carrying the lies. Hello, fear...back to dance on my heart again?   *********************** Everything has to be so harsh. Everyone hides everything from everyone and everybody. All the secrets, all the joys all the sadness...hidden. My family continued to make the same mistakes. They always made the same one over and over. Assuming I'm stupid....   Good luck with that... Recognized Author Notes This chapter is part of an ongoing auto file called ghost. It can be found in my portfolio if you'd like to read it just a small note of caution. Some chapters are hard to read reader discretion is advised. The word seen here as "Efer" is like "Do you understand?" And/or get moving "come now" or "get it?

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