When in the course of human events
You're foiled at every turn,
And you find that in the school of life
There's just too much to learn,
When despair's about to grab you,
And you're headed for a fall,
Just... have a pork chop
... Have a pork chop
Have another pork chop, Paul.
When your heels all but kill you
And your knees can't stand the strain,
When your fingers lose their feeling,
And your wrists are full of pain,
When all your nails are crumbling,
And your pecker won't stand tall,
Just... have a pork chop
... Have a pork chop
Have another pork chop, Paul.
When your putts all rim the cup,
And your approach shots find the trap,
When you shank the little pitch shots,
And your drives aren't worth a crap,
When however hard you try
You just can't hit the !@#$%*?$ ball,
Then... have a pork chop
... Have a pork chop
Have another pork chop, Paul.
When you ask for seats in first class,
But coach is where you're stuck,
And you hope your luggage makes it,
But again you're out of luck,
When you expect to have smooth sailing,
But you're battered by a squall,
Just... have a pork chop
... Have a pork chop
Have another pork chop, Paul.
Your life is in a shambles, Paul,
Of that there is no doubt,
And you know from lots of practice
That it does no good to pout,
But there is one thing you can do
To eschew your problems all,
That's... have a pork chop
... Have a pork chop
Have another pork chop, Paul.
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Author Notes
We lived in the north, and when I was ten years old, my southern grandmother visited us and stayed for a few days. At dinner one night, my father, whose name was Paul, finished his plate early, and Grandma said to him, "Have another pawk chop, Paul."
That just cracked me up the way she said it, and I started repeating it over and over. It became a family joke.
When he turned 70, I wrote and presented this poem to him at a big dinner party. He was very amused.
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